TITLE: Flash
GENRE: Young Adult Paranormal
Benjamin strolled into Taylor Woods Nursing Home knowing somebody was going to die. Popping an orange Tic Tac into his mouth, he nodded at the secretary and headed off towards the East wing. He didn’t need a guest pass. She knew who he was, and based on the raise of a single eyebrow, she was curious. He peeked back, curious if she was watching to see which room he walked into.
She was.
“Howdy, Ms. Gail,” Benjamin crooned as he walked through the door at the end of the hallway. In this wing, lunch was served on trays as all residents were no longer able to make it to the cafeteria. The floral and disinfectant smell of the nursing home was so strong that he couldn’t make out the menu.
Ms. Gail wasn’t speaking. He blew out the breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. Had he expected her to stand up and dance at his arrival? Nobody did that, even if they didn’t know about his gift. Or curse, depending on the day.
Her bedroom was noisy, even though it was just the two of them. The respiratory machine hummed as it breathed in and out, an accordion-like thing moving up and down with the noise. To the right of Ms. Gail was the heart machine. The green lines weren’t moving up very far, if that meant anything at all. And the beeping noise that accompanied the rising green line took a break for a few seconds before repeating.
Miss Snark's First Victim
You've done a great job setting the scene here. I like Benjamin's swagger, and am definitely interested in his gift. I'd suggest setting off the first line as it's own paragraph, so that it ends on "somebody was going to die," rather than the impact of that line being buried in the rest of the paragraph. Also, after "Ms. Gail wasn't speaking. He"--the he threw me for a second. I realized it was Benjamin after a second read, but I'd suggest changing it to Benjamin. These are just small tinkerings, though. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThe intro is interesting. I like details like popping a Tic-Tac in his mouth. In the second paragraph the wording feels a bit formal, "as all residents." Maybe something simple and less formal sounding? I spent a couple of years visiting nursing homes - I never smelled one that had such a strong odor of flowers and/or disinfectant. Especially so strong that Benjamin couldn't read. Were his eyes watering? I liked how you contrasted the stillness of Ms Gail and the noisiness of the room - really good! I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteYou've done a great job setting the scene here. I like Benjamin's swagger, and am definitely interested in his gift. I'd suggest setting off the first line as it's own paragraph, so that it ends on "somebody was going to die," rather than the impact of that line being buried in the rest of the paragraph. Also, after "Ms. Gail wasn't speaking. He"--the he threw me for a second. I realized it was Benjamin after a second read, but I'd suggest changing it to Benjamin. These are just small tinkerings, though. Great job!
ReplyDelete(Sorry for the repeat comment. I couldn't sign in earlier!)
I love the first line, but agree that it might be stronger if you set it off on its own. I'm getting a "Meet Joe Black"-type vibe here and am curious if that's what Benjamin's power is. I would read more to find out! I'm also curious as to how old Benjamin is. Maybe work that into the first page somehow to give the reader a better sense of his character because there's no description of him at all right now. Speaking of curious, you've got "curious" in the forth line of the first paragraph twice. I'd change one so it doesn't sound quite as repetitive. Love the little details like the Tic Tac and the noise of the machines. Good job and good luck!
ReplyDeleteFirst line is great. Intriguing to learn that he has a "gift" OR a "curse". It gets better with "depending on the day". Good job there. I'm left to ponder the thought that if Ms. Gail is so sick that she needs a respiratory machine and a heart monitor, why hasn't the nursing home sent her to the hospital? I didn't even know that nursing homes had this kind of equipment. I'd read on. Gotta find out HOW she dies....
ReplyDeleteThis one really intrigued me. You have great voice and Benjamin leapt off the leapt off the page. You have me wondering what it is Benjamin can do, though I have a sneaking suspicion and want to keep reading to find out.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with a previous poster about getting a "Meet Joe Black" vibe. I think this was fantastic. YA Paranormal may be a saturated market, but I can see this really standing out, if this goes in the direction I predict it will. I'm already a fan of Benjamin, and he's only had one line so far.
ReplyDeleteOne nitpick, in the line "In this wing, lunch was served on trays as all residents were no longer able to make it to the cafeteria," I would end it at "lunch was served on trays." I don't think you need to explain the rest.
Good luck!
I completely agree with a previous poster about getting a "Meet Joe Black" vibe. I think this was fantastic. YA Paranormal may be a saturated market, but I can see this really standing out, if this goes in the direction I predict it will. I'm already a fan of Benjamin, and he's only had one line so far.
ReplyDeleteOne nitpick, in the line "In this wing, lunch was served on trays as all residents were no longer able to make it to the cafeteria," I would end it at "lunch was served on trays." I don't think you need to explain the rest.
Good luck!
Be aware that, from a market perspective, paranormal is pretty much impossible to sell right now. Also know that boy YA is a harder sell. From an actual narrative perspective, I like what you've done here, but it will be hard for you to find a home for it in the current market.
ReplyDelete