TITLE: The Devil's Kaleidoscope
GENRE: YA Historical Fiction
The military policeman raises his rifle to his chest and pushes us toward the low wooden jail door at the back of the police station. “Bedros Andonian!” He yells Father’s name through a small, square window with iron bars beside the door. A thick smell of human waste surrounds me, like that gendarme poured it straight out of a bucket onto the dirt floor.
I peer through the bars, trying to distinguish Father from all the other Armenian men crammed together in the dark cell, some stooping under the low wooden beams of the ceiling. I can’t find him, even though I’m standing on my toes to get a clear view since this window is nowhere near eye-level for 13-year-old boys.
“Stinky.” Garo twists his head around and buries his nose in my shirt, still clutching his toy boat, as I hold him up near the bars. Father’s probably been choking on the stench for hours, but we rushed over as soon as we heard the military police took him.
People shift positions inside as the gendarme takes up his post behind us. He reeks of rotten meat, or maybe that’s the jail. I clamp my mouth shut to keep from gagging. A glob of spit sticks to his scraggly beard. Half of his teeth are missing. Turkish gendarmes always look scary, but this one looks deranged. He’s the one to lock up.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This pulls me in right away, which is so important. I immediately want to know why the father has been taken, and ultimately what the situation is. Your sensory details pull me in and make me feel sick from the sights and agencies, which is awesome.
ReplyDeleteThe sensory details are quite strong. The scent is so strong that is almost visceral. You've done quite a great job there. And the guard is quite scary so much more so than the prisoners. I would surely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteThere's a really strong sense of place in this opening, and I like how you snuck in little identifying details as to where the story takes place, we aren't just dropped with your character, so it feels like a world that strongly exists. I do wonder, I read your main character as being 13 years old, but if that's the case throughout the book he might be a little too young for YA.
ReplyDeleteAs others have said, the sensory detail is super. My main question is what does the MC feel? Is he angry, anxious, etc. You could give a hint of his emotions after 'I can't find him'.
ReplyDeleteI also think that 13 is too young to keep YA audience interested.
Good luck with the rest! It's a good start.
I agree with the others, your sensory detail is so strong and I was able to smell and visualize this scene well. Your writing style is very captivating, and I found myself unable to stop reading, even though it's not typical something I would read.
ReplyDeleteYou've done an amazing job setting the scene. All the details, particularly the smells, really draw us in and make us feel like we're there with the MC. I have to agree with what others have said about the age, though. It's not that a 13-year-old can't endure something like this; obviously he can. But if your MC is 13--which is the low age range for YA--then it's likely your readership will be two or three years younger. Obviously I haven't read the rest of the story, but pushing the age to 15 or 16 seems like it could work.
ReplyDeleteI am intrigued by your setting and the situation of a parent in jail, and could really feel the oppression of the prison… but perhaps a bit too much is dedicated to setting. I would really like to have an understanding of how the MC feels about the conflict - parent in prison - and what he hopes to do about it.
ReplyDeleteI think you've done a good job of placing the reader right there with the characters. You've chosen very smart details to share and I like your descriptions. However, your voice is YA and your character is middle grade. That's definitely going to present a problem for you. I'd also think about placing a bit more emphasis on your character's thoughts and feelings so that we can know him a bit better before you shift his focus to his father. If you do age him up, you might end up running into a bit of a problem with his gender, though. A YA boy historical would be a tough sell from a market perspective whereas a middle grade boy historical is a bit easier. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Secret Agent, for taking the time to read our entries and give us your honest reaction and helpful suggestions. Very much appreciated! And thanks to everyone for posting thoughtful and supportive critiques. Onward, for all of us!
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