TITLE: Destiny's Plan
GENRE: Women's Fiction
On a moonless summer night, a Greyhound bus rushes along a lonely stretch of road, its headlights penetrating the blackness. In the thoughts of Men, a bus is an innocuous conveyance, transporting all sorts of strangers. But, in that single moment, all are joined in an unspoken united purpose: to reach their destination. The simple act of moving from point to point is taken for granted. It is on these rare, unintended occasions when paths cross, lives intersect, and the Fates intervene. Directions, once solidly set, change. Destiny is fickle, humbling human arrogance. It spins, It weaves, and It cuts lives on a whim.
June 1st, 1967 ~ Houston ~ Greyhound Bus Station
The image of Papá waving good-bye still scorched Raquelita’s mind. She tried to swallow, but it was impossible. After last night, her mouth was dry and raw. Desperate to erase the painful memory, she stared around the waiting hall, her gaze hopscotching from person to person, reading the emotions of her fellow travelers: excitement, fear, exhaustion. Marité, her younger sister, showed curiosity. Mamá, as usual, flashed bold irritation, made clearer with every grating heel tap on the tiled floor. The wooden benches, the incessant crisscrossing of travelers, and the jarring noise of the loudspeakers aggravated Mamá’s tense disposition past its limits.
The two-hour connection seemed endless, and all destinations had been announced except theirs. Not that she was eager for her bus to arrive; given the chance, she would turn back to her father in San Antonio immediately.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Gorgeous writing! This reads as literary, which is fine since the SA is looking for upmarket women's fic. I like your little prologue at the start, but for one page contests, I think it's best to skip it so you have more words for the story. However, in the short space, you have proven your eloquence with words, and you have piqued my curiosity as to why this woman and her children are leaving a beloved father.
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ReplyDeleteLove the writing but you do not need the first paragraph. The second is very moving and I would definitely want to read more. I'm a sucker for sad, heartbreaking, transformational pieces.
ReplyDeleteAs the other commentators said, you are a talented wordsmith. The atmosphere, the longing, the sense of heartbreak, all good.
ReplyDeleteI would populate the bus station with more specific images, rather than general ones.
I would agree and advise you to go directly to the second paragraph. You write well, descriptively. Can you maybe have the mother and/or other characters say or do something, to show her impatience...dialogue also breaks up the straight prose.
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise...I'd read on.
I agree--skip the first paragraph, or move it to later in the text. At the beginning, we want something happening and to know who's speaking. You give nice hints to something unpleasant, making the reader want to know what's going on.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love the second paragraph. I think the beautiful description of the first could be interspersed as the plot progresses, allowing us to have character and setting combined.
ReplyDeleteOne more vote for the second paragraph's immediacy and concrete connection to a character I care for. The first paragraph is vague and overly general...so, if you retain it, I would advise you to make it more specific and condensed. Stylistically, pulling out every so often to this "Storyteller" voice throughout the novel could be interesting, and could let you philosophize a bit, and perhaps make connections and conclusions that R. won't herself...but in this passage, the general Storyteller is much less engaging than the close focus on Raquelita.
ReplyDeleteIt reads like literary fiction which is fine. You certainly seem to be able to handle it. I think it is effective how you set up a question in the reader's mind as to what is the "painful memory" from last night. So to have dropped that into the opening is a nice touch. And I like that you refrain from immediately delving into what that was.
ReplyDeleteMy criticism would be an aesthetic one - in that, two solid blocks of text on the page tire impatient readers before they have even had the chance to read your beautiful writing. Perhaps, try to break that up some just for the sake of the visual impact.
-Daniel
danielmaclainewriting.blogspot.com
Both paragraphs are beautifully written. First made me think, but the second pulled me in to learn more about the characters. My suggestion is to work in the first paragraph somewhere else in the manuscript......don't trash it.
ReplyDeleteI think you write beautifully and I have a very strong sense of setting here. What I would say, though, is that you should immediately give the reader a character to care about. Your first paragraph is very philosophical and ephemeral, which slows you down a bit. I'd dive right in if I were you. You'd hit a very nice stride by the end!
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