TITLE: Megathon
GENRE: YA Light SF
Nick swore softly when he saw the length of the lunch line.
Buried in the bowels of the Special Mission, the staff canteen attempted to compensate for the underground location with a brightly lit mock-rustic decor. He spotted his mother at her usual pine table in the corner. She’d already finished her meal and was sipping a grainy coffee. She caught his eye and waved something at him.
A postcard.
A smile spread across Nick’s face. Forgetting about food, he hurried over.
“This came for you today.” Her tone was disapproving.
Nick reached for it eagerly and examined Riordan’s latest find.
It was the best one yet.
Riordan’s postcards were his only link to his Southworld home in Sunnybeach. This time his friend had sent a black card with the word PARANOID written in bold white script across it and a pair of white cartoon-like eyes underneath. Where did Riordan find this stuff? He turned it over. The usual ironic message was scrawled in his friend’s hand.
“Please hurry, why don’t you come back?”
His best friend knew perfectly well Nick would go home to Southworld in a heartbeat, if only it were that easy.
“It’s all very well for Riordan,” his mother raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow. “But he’s safe in Sunnybeach.”
Nick continued his scrutiny of the postcard. Paranoid Eyes. It was too much. Only Riordan would have the nerve to mock the all-seeing Eyes, who gripped Northworld in an icy clasp of fear. Northworld.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm afraid I had a hard time with the voice here. It doesn't sound like a kid. If the story if from a kid's POV then the details should be in that thinking as well. Dialogue should be true to age for whomever is speaking, but the sights and sounds and reactions around the mc should be in their POV.
ReplyDeletePerhaps this is an older kid that what I imagined, and this would be true to that mc. Since I don't know the age, take my comments with a grain of salt. otherwise, the story idea sounds very interesting.
I'm afraid I had a hard time with the voice here. It doesn't sound like a kid. If the story if from a kid's POV then the details should be in that thinking as well. Dialogue should be true to age for whomever is speaking, but the sights and sounds and reactions around the mc should be in their POV.
ReplyDeletePerhaps this is an older kid that what I imagined, and this would be true to that mc. Since I don't know the age, take my comments with a grain of salt. otherwise, the story idea sounds very interesting.
I think you did a good description of the base here and set up a strong contrast to the Southworld SunnyBeach.
ReplyDeleteI like the immediate hook of the postcard with the cryptic message.
I would keep reading.
It's labelled as YA, so he could be anywhere in that bracket. As long as he's on the older end, he's fine. I liked it.
ReplyDeleteBe careful with the disapproving mom, it seems to be a thing. All moms don't like your friends. This is YA so don't go black and white when they see the world with a lot of grey. I like the setting. You could do a lot with that. Awesome with the false rustic in space :D
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely interesting. I find myself intrigued and with enough questions that I would keep reading. I already want to know why his friend is safe in south world but he isn't. Why his mother disapproves of his friend, which I'm not immediately turned off from, I kind of like that she's in the picture at all and to put her on the first page stresses her importance, I think that is a fresh enough concept in YA so long as she is actually an important character, if she is only one sided and disapproving that will change my opinion. Overall it's interesting, post cards in the future when they are almost dead now is interesting. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI also like the setting detail.
ReplyDeleteMy one suggestion: cut out the adverbs and replace with descriptives. Instead of 'he reached for it eagerly' why not 'he grabbed it'? Stuff like that. I wonder why his mom disapproves of this friend in particular. Instead of telling us that, maybe we can hear it in her voice. How about 'another postcard from that Riordan boy' or something.
I would read on. :)
Nice work! I like the surprise of the second sentence. In the first we have Nick swearing at the long lunch line, and in the second, we learn this isn't any normal high school, it's a staff canteen at a Special Mission. The postcard section is snappy and intriguing. I'd consider cutting a few sentences to tighten and improve flow. We don't care about his mother drinking coffee or the smile spreading across Grey's face. When he rushes over and thinks it's the best yet, we know he's happy to hear from his friend. These are minor though, I would have kept reading. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this and completely followed you except for:
ReplyDeleteBuried in the bowels of the Special Mission, the staff canteen attempted to compensate for the underground location with a brightly lit mock-rustic decor.
Not only did this pull me out of the story, but I had to read this a few times to create the image in my mind. You might consider weaving these details more delicately.
Otherwise, nice work!