TITLE: Field of Violets
GENRE: YA Contemporary Romance
It was three days since I’d quit taking my Risperdal and Xanax. Maybe four. I’d lost track. Dr. Rolf and my parents would kill me if they knew. Even I was a little worried after last night, because my brain wouldn’t shut down and let me sleep. My nerves were wound so tight, one more turn and they might snap. Then all the feelings building up in me would spill out. There would be no stopping them.
From the back seat of Dad’s Land Rover, I squinted at the rain that flooded the streets of Orono, Minnesota. My head nodded from lack of sleep, while outside, another Sunday morning trip to church droned by. Backyards hidden behind tall wooden fences, the deserted soccer field, and that mini mart where we always stopped for two large coffees and my Dr. Pepper.
Dad steered out of the mini mart’s lot and back onto the main road.
“Can you see okay?” Mom leaned forward and gripped the dashboard.
Dad turned up the wipers full blast. “We’re fine.”
I didn’t get why she always freaked out when he drove. But I would sit back here, sip my pop, and keep my feelings to myself—along with my new secret.
They’d warned me about withdrawal, and I’d always taken my meds—one of each, every day, like the bottles said.
Until now.
Between my parents’ heads, the wipers squeegeed rain from side to side over the windshield—back and forth—in rhythm with my right leg—up and down.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Having dealt for years with anxiety, I think you describe the tight nerves and the possible snapping well. You could even move beyond "wound tight" and describe how this tightness feels. I also really like the wipers and her legs bouncing in time to them that shows her nerves well!
ReplyDeleteI am definitely curious about her secret and why she stopped taking her meds because of it. Or is the secret that she went off her meds? If so, I didn't immediately read it that way.
I like the descriptions and tension, but I am left wondering why she went off her meds in the first place. Perhaps you are going for mystery or tension with leaving that out, but for me (and this could be just me) it left me lost. I want to care about this mc and right now I don't because everything she is feeling is because of her own choice of going off the meds. Now if I knew she had a good reason for that, or any reason for it, I would be more likely to get pulled in and want to know more.
ReplyDeleteI like the descriptions and tension, but I am left wondering why she went off her meds in the first place. Perhaps you are going for mystery or tension with leaving that out, but for me (and this could be just me) it left me lost. I want to care about this mc and right now I don't because everything she is feeling is because of her own choice of going off the meds. Now if I knew she had a good reason for that, or any reason for it, I would be more likely to get pulled in and want to know more.
ReplyDeleteI think you have done a very good job on the set up. There was tension from the first sentence when we discover that our MC quit her meds. The tension built with the rain and the mom worrying about his driving. And then it wrapped up with her twitching leg - it makes me want to keep reading quickly to see what happens when she gets to church. And Dr. Pepper has a lot of caffeine - so look out!
ReplyDeleteGood job.
I like this. And I really like (at this point) not knowing why she stopped taking her meds. Or why she's even on medication. As a reader, I look forward to that unfolding. And since this is a contemporary romance, I have my thoughts, but who knows.
ReplyDeleteA lot is going on here, but I like it all. I get a quick glimpse into the other charachters, nothing too overbearing. Great set up!
I forgot to mention this (my initial post didn't post, so I'm rewriting), but the word sqeegeeing really threw me off. I almost feel it would read better if the wipers flicked off the water, or pushed it, or slid it. Those words wouldn't stick out as much.
DeleteI like the tension between the parents and the way you express the inner thoughts of the POV character. I got a speed bump on "squeegeed"--don't know why. Great set up for how withdrawal will work out. I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI liked the writing while the subject matter made me very uncomfortable. I wouldn't read but not because of the writing. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteYou have effectively described a situation that is not familiar to me. I can feel what your M.c. is feeling and the setting - the Land Rover, the rain - adds tension. The emotional give and take between your m.c. and the parents is palpable too. I'm not sure that Orono, Minnesota needs to be included so soon. The more sensory aspects of the setting mean more. A good start.
ReplyDeleteThe first line was the most captivating of all the entries I've read! But after the first paragraph I think you break your flow with the description. I would consider deleting the second paragraph, as well as this: "They’d warned me about withdrawal, and I’d always taken my meds—one of each, every day, like the bottles said. Until now." as it feels like repetitive info.
ReplyDeleteLastly, I'd move the last line to become the first line of the new second paragraph. I think it fits better there.
Regardless, I'd want to read more :)
Nice work; good set up. I feel anxious for your character.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if your second paragraph is really your first paragraph, and your present opening paragraph can move to after "along with my new secret." If you went this route, you might incorporate a hint of anxiety in the protagonist before the secret is revealed. Maybe your last paragraph about the windshield wipers could move toward the front -- to me, they offer a hint about the protagonist's mental and emotional state.
Also, if the protag and his/her family live in Orono, Minnesota, it doesn't make sense to mention the city and state name -- feels like an info dump. You can reveal this information to your reader later. If they're visiting from out of state, then I can get on board with how you've handled it here.
Keep refining!
Thanks everyone for your great feedback. I will take it all in to strengthen my opening.
ReplyDelete