TITLE: Middledom
GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy
As she leaned precariously over a parapet on top of the castle’s west tower, her Royal Highness Princess Seraphina Violet Augusta, fifteen years of age and known as Violet, was thinking about words she liked—peregrine, ripple, moonbeam, savory—how they rolled smoothly around her mouth, while other words, like duty, needlepoint, stringent and quadrille, were sharp and hard, like stones hitting a wall. During her history lesson, she had been trying to compose a poem to help her remember Lavonia’s royal lineage, but it was impossible to rhyme Adelfred—another sharp and stony word--with anything.
Making a spyglass of her hands, Violet surveyed the road. The wind snatched strands of hair from her braid. The north tower bell began to ring. Violet ignored it. St. Dumplegarter’s Traveling Players were due to arrive and she wanted to be first to see them.
If her older sister Lily had been with her, they would be competing to see who could spot the players first. Of course, Lily, whose eyes were as sharp as an eagle’s, would win, as she almost always did. Rose, the youngest, would never willingly climb to the top of a tower as it involved both exercise and heights.
The castle was currently in a state of uproar due to Lily’s impending coming of age ball. Violet had high hopes for the traveling players, especially since the ball was sure to consist of lengthy reception lines, dull foreign nobles and shoes that rubbed blisters on her toes.
Miss Snark's First Victim
15 seems old to start a MG. I like your MC and can relate to her love of words and people watching. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely LOVE the voice - that first paragraph is a doozy. I'm interested to see where Violet takes us. I also love the way the words sprawl a bit like the grounds and the kingdom around her for this first glimpse into the story. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI like the voice, I would love it if her sisters interrupted after the first paragraph.All alone on the top of a tower makes it hard to have dialogue. I always think you learn more by seeing the characters interact with others than you do by being privy to their thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI think blogspot just ate my comment! Hopefully it shows up. Will check back later.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your voice. At first I wasn't so sure when I saw this entry at a glance... I was skeptical it'd be too much backstory and wouldn't move very well. Then I started reading and loved it! I get a strong sense of this character's personality just by reading this. Well done!
ReplyDeleteMy only comment is her age. Fifteen seems a little old for MG. The MC clearly has a sense of spunk and spontaneity and "younger sister like" qualities that come out in her voice, but at the same time it reads older too. I think you could easily make it YA if you wanted.
Good luck!
I think you have all the right pieces for a great story, but I agree with the others that 15 is pretty old for a MG main character. Her voice feels MG--is she really 15 or maybe 13???
ReplyDeleteI also wonder if you could break that whopper of a first sentence up a bit. I love the ideas you express in it, but it's really long. I'm not sure you need the second bit in that first paragraph--keep her on the tower, thinking about the players who are coming, rather than dragging us momentarily into her history lesson.
You've got an evocative setting and a vivid character voice. Best of luck!
This is great! I really enjoyed reading this and would absolutely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteYour voice is more MG than YA. I would make Violet 12.
The opening paragraph is wordy. What about something like this (the change in the first sentence):
As Violet leaned precariously over a parapet on top of the castle’s west tower, she was thinking about words she liked—peregrine, ripple, moonbeam, savory—how they rolled smoothly around her mouth, while other words, like duty, needlepoint, stringent and quadrille, were sharp and hard, like stones hitting a wall. During her history lesson, she had been trying to compose a poem to help her remember Lavonia’s royal lineage, but it was impossible to rhyme Adelfred—another sharp and stony word--with anything.
Later we can learn her full name and position.
I'd love to see where this story goes! It seems right up my alley, and I'm intrigued.
I agree that 15 is too old for middle grade, and the full princess name in the opening paragraph is a lot to swallow. That said, I like the voice and the spunk of this princess. I do wonder why her sister Lily isn't at the top of the tower with her waiting for the players. The reader might be more draw into the story if we meet the sisters and see their different personalities as they wait for the players instead of being told about them.
ReplyDelete