TITLE: IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE
GENRE: CONTEMPORARY
Jimmy is a drummer in a rock band and is performing on stage. In the middle of the song he feels the urge to sneeze.
THIRD PERSON PAST (original):
Now would be a terrible time to sneeze, Jimmy Rickliefs thought. He leaned back, turned his head toward his vocal mic, and started singing the harmony to "Midnight" with lead singer Aldon Smith. His brain worked on lyrics and drum beats, making sure his hands and feet hit the right drums at the right time in the right order and rhythm.
And then, he sneezed. Mid lyric. It echoed over the cheers of the crowd and the entire band turned as one and started laughing. He flipped them off, never missing a beat or a lyric. When the song ended, he scratched his nose, trying to get the attention of one of their roadies. Maddie ran over, squatting down behind his hi-hat.
"What'cha need, Jim?" she asked over his head set.
"Tissues," he said. She laughed, but sprinted off in search of a box. When she came back, box in hand, he smiled. "Thanks."
She nodded, then dashed off stage, as Aldon entertained the crowd. Jimmy wiped his nose, hoping he wasn't getting sick. Their tour was winding down and it would time to head to Europe soon. Being sick on tour sucked, and they'd all been sick plenty of times.
"So, Jimmy, you all done sneezing up there?" Aldon asked.
Jimmy laughed, hoping their tech had his mic turned up. "F*** you, Al!"
The crowd laughed and cheered. Aldon flipped the drummer off. "Don't call me Al, mother f*****."
"Yo Anthony. You know how to play 'You can Call Me Al'?" Jimmy asked.
----
FIRST PERSON PRESENT:
Now would be a terrible time to sneeze.
I lean back, turn my head toward my vocal mic, and start singing the harmony to "Midnight" with lead singer Aldon Smith. My brain works on lyrics and drum beats, making sure my hands and feet hit the right drums at the right time in the right order and rhythm.
And then, I sneeze. Mid-lyric. It echoes over the cheers of the crowd, and the entire band turns and starts laughing. I flip them off, never missing a beat or a lyric. When the song ends, I scratch my nose nose, trying to get the attention of one of our roadies. Maddie runs over, squatting down behind my hi-hat.
"What'cha need, Jim?" she asks over my head set.
"Tissues," I say.
She laughs, but sprints off in search of a box. When she comes back, box in hand, I smile.
"Thanks."
She nods, then dashes offstage as Aldon entertains the crowd. I wipe my nose, hoping I'm not getting sick. Our tour is winding down, and it'll be time to head to Europe soon. Being sick on tour sucks, and we've all been sick plenty of times.
"So, Jimmy, you all done sneezing up there?" Aldon asks.
I laugh, hoping our tech has his mic turned up. "F*** you, Al!"
The crowd laughs and cheers. Aldon flips me off. "Don't call me Al, mother f*****."
"Yo, Anthony. You know how to play 'You can Call Me Al'?" I ask.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like being in Jimmy's head, so I like the tense change to first person present. It feels more personal than the original.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely like the change to first person present. Jimmy has a unique voice, and I think you can have fun with this one. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like third through the first half of the piece and first through the second half, with "Maddie runs over..." as the dividing line.
ReplyDeleteThe use of first in the last half puts me in a more intimate and immediate narrative with Jimmy, but I feel like there are too many observations and summaries outside his perspective to carry it in the first half ("lead singer Aldon Smith".. "never missing a beat or lyric") Those don't feel like first person or present tense, respectively.
A rock star story sounds like fun! I like the immediacy of first person, but I don't have a firm opinion on past vs. present. Good luck with it!
ReplyDeleteI think that with a little tweaking First Person Present would work great. It was a quicker read for me than the original.
ReplyDeleteIn connection to hlbrixey's comment, maybe if you turn the part after "Jimmy wipes his nose" into internal thought it might help make that paragraph sound more natural. If you choose to do so, be sure to follow the example given by Aurthoress in your opening line (italicize with no thought tag).
I think that with a little tweaking First Person Present would work great. It was a quicker read for me than the original.
ReplyDeleteIn connection to hlbrixey's comment, maybe if you turn the part after "Jimmy wipes his nose" into internal thought it might help make that paragraph sound more natural. If you choose to do so, be sure to follow the example given by Aurthoress in your opening line (italicize with no thought tag).