TITLE: Crazy in Love
GENRE: YA Contemporary
This is the first 250 words - POV alternates between Jamie and Molly.
THIRD PERSON PAST (original):
The lass was flat on her back and passed out on drugs. Jamie McDonald tried to sneak a peek at her, the sheet covering her had moved to hide her face. All he could see was her long locks of curly brown hair. The ambulance technicians rolled her stretcher down the women’s corridor on Ward Eight. I wonder if she’s my age.
Jamie’s heart pounded at the thought of someone new. Anyone new would be a distraction from the mundane days at this hospital. Please, be my age. Maybe I can finally make a friend here.
He dashed over to Nurses’ Station pushing past Nigel and Ronnie on the way. Rose, the charge nurse, was behind the desk. Jamie drummed a random beat on the desk faster than a band playingWipeout. Rose glared at his hands and he stuffed them in his pockets. I better calm down or they’ll try to sedate me. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Hullo,” Jamie said to Rose, trying to be casual, “Who’s the new patient?” At first, Rose didn’t say anything and Jamie could guess why. She’s always going on about patient confidentiality. And she knows I’ve tried this before.
But he was wrong. “I’m glad you stopped by, Jamie. Our new patient, Molly, is a wee bit younger than you. This is her first time in hospital. I was thinking of asking you to be her guide."
FIRST PERSON PAST:
The lass was flat on her back and passed out on drugs. I tried to sneak a peek at her; the sheet covering her had moved to hide her face. All I could see was her long locks of curly brown hair. The ambulance technicians rolled her stretcher down the women’s corridor on Ward Eight. I wondered if she was my age.
My heart pounded at the thought of someone new. Anyone new would be a distraction from the mundane days at this hospital. Please, be my age. Maybe I could finally make a friend here.
I dashed over to Nurses’ Station, pushing past Nigel and Ronnie on the way. Rose, the charge nurse, was behind the desk. I drummed a random beat on the desk faster than a band playing Wipeout. Rose glared at my hands, and I stuffed them into my pockets. I'd better calm down or they’ll try to sedate me.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Hullo,” I said, trying to be casual, “Who’s the new patient?”
At first, Rose didn’t say anything, and I guessed why. She was always going on about patient confidentiality. And I’d tried this before.
But I was wrong.
“I’m glad you stopped by, Jamie," Rose said. "Our new patient Molly is a wee bit younger than you. This is her first time in hospital. I was thinking of asking you to be her guide."
Miss Snark's First Victim
Thanks for sharing this excerpt. I prefer the First-Person Past in this sample. It feels more immediate and I get the sense Jamie and the others are a bit quirky and this trait might come out better in first-person. There were some tense issues in the first sample (switched between past and present, e.g. "I wonder if she's my age.") which may have affected my opinion as well. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like the first person past tense change better. It gets us into Jamie's head and since this is a dual POV, I think it works better to have both MC's first person.
ReplyDelete(I think blogger ate my comment. Hope it doesn't repeat.) I like the story concept. The setting is going to make it interesting. My vote is for the first person/past tense. The deep third person internal monologue seemed at odds with the more distant narrative sections. With alternating perspectives, it will be challenging to differentiate between two first person accounts, but I'd say go for it. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteFirst-person past is definitely my preference for this piece.
ReplyDeleteSaying why is a bit more of a challenge, lol. It's tough to express, in literary terms, something that just "sounds better" to you. But I'll try.
For me, I think that the voice feels quirky in 1st but slightly overwritten in third. Also, a lot of what's going on in this scene is internal to the MC, thoughts and feelings better expressed in first-person. Also, the juxtaposition of the third/past narrative with the first/present thoughts didn't sound right to my ear.
I really like this in first person. We're right in Jaime's head and that really helps smooth out the internal monologue. I think first person was more immediate and it felt right to me.
ReplyDeleteFor me, First Person Past was a better read. The flow felt natural, my connection to Jaime was instant, and my curiosity about what's going on was piqued. I think this type of story calls for first person, even with dual POVs. I've seen First Person Dual POV done before and as long as you're careful, and don't head-hop, it should work just fine. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteFor me, First Person Past was a better read. The flow felt natural, my connection to Jaime was instant, and my curiosity about what's going on was piqued. I think this type of story calls for first person, even with dual POVs. I've seen First Person Dual POV done before and as long as you're careful, and don't head-hop, it should work just fine. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely first person, past. Because of the drugs, it sounds like these characters will be going through a difficult character arc. First person would showcase that wonderfully.
ReplyDelete