Title: The Mechanics of Having Horns and Wings
Genre: MG Fantasy
Chiori’s wings erupted from her shoulder blades in a high arch of thin bone and long feathers. They were almost as beautiful as her mother’s, similarly speckled white and gold. She’d been born with her wings―little spurs that grew and grew until they were double her height in length from wingtip to wingtip. Her best physical attribute, if she did say so herself.
She twisted, trying to see if a new layer of feathers was growing in. She couldn’t tell, and honestly, it didn’t matter. With a sigh, she folded away her wings, tucking them securely against her back. Currently, her wings were not the problem. Leaning forward, she pressed her nose against the mirror, her breath causing a foggy circle to expand outward with each breath across the glass.
No. It was her horns that were causing her trouble, the sight of them squeezing her heart so tight she couldn’t fathom how it managed to beat.
At thirteen, eleven years of Chiori’s life had come and gone with ease. No horns. Just wings. Her life had been safe and secure and while her parents chose to remain hidden from Tettralia’s infamous three gangs, she hadn’t. She’d joined one, the Winged, and everything had been right. Then, just four days after her eleventh birthday, Chiori had woken to tiny bumps of ivory bursting forth from her hairline, causing her brown curls to be even more unpredictable.
She raised a thumb to her head, measuring, assessing. Yup. They’d grown.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I don't have much to say on this except I stumbled twice over the word "erupted." Otherwise, it sounds awesome. I like that the premise is right there on the first page. All the best!
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't use erupted in your first sentence because it sounds like the action is happening now, but she's had wings her whole life. You can potentially insert a "has," or change the verb to something less active.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE your title, by the way.
I wouldn't use erupted in your first sentence because it sounds like the action is happening now, but she's had wings her whole life. You can potentially insert a "has," or change the verb to something less active.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE your title, by the way.
Wonderful description! You've left me with lots of questions I would read on to answer such as why her parents fear gangs, yet Chiori does not; what do the gangs do; and what's up with the horns that have upset her?
ReplyDeleteYou can delete "Currently" from "Currently her wings." Can shorten "to remain hidden" to "to hide."
Great job!
I love this premise! However I wonder if it might be better to open with one of the scenes of conflict Chiori mentions, such as the gang initiation or her horns sprouting, rather than having her think about her life while looking in the mirror. It's an interesting life, so better to show it rather than telling about it, yes?
ReplyDeleteOther than that I think Chiori has a strong voice and the premise here is excellent. Best of luck!
An interesting premise. But you're feeding us information, instead of letting it come out through action and dialogue. You've introduced several situations here, all of them interesting, and starting with any of them, in showing mode instead of telling, would liven this up.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when she tucks her wings away, how does she do that? With a shoulder shrug? Does she reach behind her and give them a nudge? You're telling us what she did. Instead, show us what she did. Give the reader something to see.
Start your story instead of explaining it.
Really intriguing. I was drawn in by the description. My one concern is the mention of the gangs. It just seems so abrupt and made me stumble. I wanted to know why horns were an issue and not wings.
ReplyDeleteAn interesting concept. Has this angel fallen? I agree with earlier comments in that the use of "erupted" seems misplaced. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteAn interesting concept. Has this angel fallen? I agree with earlier comments in that the use of "erupted" seems misplaced. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteThis beginning sets an intriguing story. At times the language in your first paragraph is awkward - don't know if you need to specify the wings have thin bones, wings generally do. "Tucking" the wings in almost implies a separate process from the folding.
ReplyDeleteNot sure you need to add, "and everything had been right" in reference to the gang. I have no idea what that means.
LOVE the leaning into the mirror to see her horns. I'd like to know more about Chiori and her world.
Very nice. Lovely flow.
ReplyDeleteParagraph 3 is backstory and it's too early for that. If she's been worrying about her horns for two years it seems weird to glance back at her own history right then. And keeping it short, doesn't help. Get into the story and let her history unfold through interaction.
You have a nice opening here! I agree, as well, with the comment about "erupted" which goes to show how important word choice is! I can tell you're going for atmospheric, but just make sure you have the right words. Here, erupt gives the feeling of it happening for the first time.
ReplyDeleteA lot of this does, though, feel like backstory and I don't know yet where your story is starting. I'd rather see this come out (especially paragraph three) through actions. Looking in a mirror to describe a main character is oft used so if you can avoid doing so you'll be all the stronger for it!
Interesting start--I'd definitely read on. There is a lot going on--maybe draw us into one of the scenes more fully first? (You have the gangs and the horns--maybe stick with one for a bit, then transition into the other?) At first I thought the horns were near her heart (the sight of them squeezing her heart--I read that as one concept--I'm pretty literal)
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I read the part about the horns near her heart the exact same way! I found it confusing.
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