Title: Demonrise
Genre: Science Fantasy
The Grabrian dragon stretched on her gate, exhausted from her night’s work defending the city. Steam rose from nostrils big as Merre’s fists as she slumbered, her gray scales gleaming in the early morning light. Merre sidled from foot to aching foot, trying not to mind her proximity.
If the dragon woke, she might pluck Merre out of crowded Landin Square and devour him -- and be well within her rights to do so, for he was wardless. His nerves roared at him to run. Instead he dug in, gripped his toes along the edge of a cobblestone. Easy enough to feel through the soles of his charity slippers.
Seventy Landiners queued before Merre, if that. He might just get his spoonful of pudding before all the luck got fished out.
Up on stage, at the start of the line, the king’s cook Birtwick stirred a kettle large enough to squeeze in six of Merre and the Cat besides. The Cat, who had once belonged to Sorek, inasmuch as a cat ever belonged to anyone, crouched, saucer-eyed, on Merre’s shoulder. She dug her claws deep into his vest and lashed her tail in furious disapproval as the dragon turned her head in sleep, blasting hot carrion breath on Merre. The stench choked him, water springing to his eyes as he fought for breath. In his mind he heard Sorek screaming.
Merre pinched himself hard on the meat of his arm and looked away before the memory could uncoil. Not now.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Very intriguing passage! I would definitely continue reading. You've done a great job of introducing your MC and I'm already emotionally invested in his welfare. I love the voice and how every bit of description gives me insight into what's happening in this scene.
ReplyDeleteI thought there wasn't enough here. It's nicely written but nothing happens. A boy stands in line.
ReplyDeleteI wondered why he would risk being eaten by a dragon just for the possibility of a spoonful of pudding.
Perhaps work a bit of action or interesting dialogue on the page.
One of the things that caught my attention was the genre - "science fantasy" - and the mention of dragons. I don't know if it was intentional but that immediately made me think of McCaffrey's SF series Pern (that most people think is fantasy).
ReplyDeleteIt's an intriguing start but I think more could be done to make us really feel Merre's motivation. How long has it been since he ate? What is he smelling? Is his mouth watering? Sensory details can make it easier to connect with a character.
I also think you might consider bringing in the memory later. Introducing flashbacks before a reader fully understands the world can be tricky.
Overall though, this is interesting with a lot of world detail to be unpacked. And I love dragons!
One of the things that caught my attention was the genre - "science fantasy" - and the mention of dragons. I don't know if it was intentional but that immediately made me think of McCaffrey's SF series Pern (that most people think is fantasy).
ReplyDeleteIt's an intriguing start but I think more could be done to make us really feel Merre's motivation. How long has it been since he ate? What is he smelling? Is his mouth watering? Sensory details can make it easier to connect with a character.
I also think you might consider bringing in the memory later. Introducing flashbacks before a reader fully understands the world can be tricky.
Overall though, this is interesting with a lot of world detail to be unpacked. And I love dragons!
I love the world you are building and your main character's vulnerability.
ReplyDeleteBut I did find the changes in point of view a bit disconcerting.
Science Fantasy is an interesting genre choice. You’re lucky in that SFF is usually all grouped together on the shelves in the book store, but who, specifically is your audience for this book? Is it fans of SciFi or is it fans of fantasy? Because they’re two vastly different genres in my opinion, you’re trying to appeal to two very different types of readers and what readers expect from each genre.
ReplyDeleteI don’t have much forward movement here, just someone standing in line and I don’t know enough to know why he’d risk being dragon food for a spoonful of porridge and why he doesn’t, say, trap a rat or something? Be careful of the head hopping too as we start out in the dragon’s mind (which I was completely on board for a book from a dragon’s POV!) and was surprised to then have a shift to Merre. Also, since you’ve used a not-well-known name, work the gender in sooner so your audience knows if our MC is male or female.