Title: An Unconventional Mr. Peadlebody
Genre: Fantasy
Sunlight filtered into the church lobby through a stained glass window, resting on the backs of more than a hundred people. Lint and dust particles floated in its rays, polluting the air along with scents of cologne, mouthwash and body odors. Raymond held a hankie to his nose and coughed. He hated being in a crowd of strangers.
He pushed through the assembly to the far end of the room and tucked himself in a corner, hoping he'd remain invisible. Once safe from prying eyes, he scratched the stubble on his chin and leaned against the wall, folded his arms across his chest and waited, impatient on the inside though hoping to give the appearance of being calm. Drawing the attention of any of these morbid funeral goers would be disastrous.
No one visited the guest book that lay open on the desk next to him, unsigned, pen still covered and waiting. A doily adorned the linen tabletop under the leather bound journal. A silver vase with a single white rose cast a faint shadow onto its empty pages. Raymond snickered as he glanced at the parchment. No wonder the pages are empty. Do these people even have names?
Unfamiliar guests continued to walk through the entry, ushering in a wave of cool autumn air whenever the door was opened. One woman evidently didn’t feel the same way he did about being noticed. Brilliant flowers adorned the turban on her head. Red high heels raised her above the crowd.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Raymond is attending a funeral, but I don't know who the deceased is or why Raymond has braved a crowd of strangers to be there. This passage is descriptive and gives me a clear picture of the scene, but it feels a little flat. Perhaps you could move the third paragraph later in the scene and introduce more details about what's going on to get the reader more invested sooner?
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ReplyDeleteI love the lush, evocative detail in this story--it establishes a sense of place and provides a definite flavor for the world. I think a little more could be drawn out using the guest book- does he sign it? If he has strong feelings about the deceased and leaves a powerful message, that would make me curious and draw me in more as a reader.
ReplyDeleteGood start! I would read on.
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ReplyDeleteLike the stubble -- nice detail. Would like to know why he dislikes crowds of strangers. As is now, doesn't raise more questions. Same deal re being 'calm' and avoiding the attention of the morbid attendees with no names????? Then the spanner hits the works -- the chick with her red high heels on. If you teased out some possible answers, this has tons of possible ways to go.
ReplyDeleteLike the stubble -- nice detail. Would like to know why he dislikes crowds of strangers. As is now, doesn't raise more questions. Same deal re being 'calm' and avoiding the attention of the morbid attendees with no names????? Then the spanner hits the works -- the chick with her red high heels on. If you teased out some possible answers, this has tons of possible ways to go.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this and would definitely keep reading. I hard a hard time with the opening POV; I thought everyone was sitting down because of the description of the sun on their backs and wondered if he stood up to move himself but realized afterward on rereading maybe he had just entered the church and that's why the light came through the doors? I wasn't sure about that. The nameless attendees is intriguing. Nameless because they aren't people? Or because they are but are beneath him but then why wouldn't they have signed? And why would there be a book if no one is signing? I got a little bit tripped up on that detail. Does he sign, though? Does he have a name? But then he talks about drawing their attention, which implies he is different from them, somehow, maybe paranormal himself? I would like another slight hint about either that or the nameless people, but maybe that is coming. And I love the character with the red heels. Perfect intro.
ReplyDeleteOpening with a funeral scene can be very hard (both because they can be cliche as well as we’re forced to try and care about a character we know nothing about). However, that being said, I like this because of the nameless/anonymous nature of things. I feel like the character is on a stealth mission in a video game (for lack of a better simile).
ReplyDeleteJust be careful not to get too bogged down in the description here. I do want to catch some bit of plot moving things forward from here so we’re not so bogged down in setting the scene that we lose things going forward.
Otherwise, this is great and would certainly be something I’d read more of!
There wasn't enough here for me. Who is this man in relation to the diseased? Why doesn’t he want to be noticed? If he doesn’t want to be noticed, why push through a crowd of people? Who has died? Was he important or well known?
ReplyDeletePerhaps consider starting this in a place where something is happening, or some interesting dialogue is going on. Or give us some interesting or intriguing bit of information to carry us through to the point where something does happen.