Title: The Ichthys Kiss
Genre: YA Paranormal/Fantasy/Romance
There’s drool on my chin. I wipe it away with the sleeve of my jacket. I’m lying in the back of a car, nose squashed against the leather seat. I sit up, stretching to ease the cramp in my neck and shoulders.
A glass barrier separates me from the driver. I see burly shoulders, a freckled neck and grey hairs poking out from beneath the rim of his cap. Our eyes meet in the rear mirror. He nods, breaking into a smile that crinkles the corners of his eyes. He has a friendly, next-door neighbour sort of face…except…
My body recoils, butt scudding backwards into the seat. Tucking my hands into my armpits I scrunch myself into a ball, careful not to take my eyes off him.
The car slows and turns off the road. I uncurl myself enough to peak out the window. We’ve stopped in front of a gate.
Something snaps inside me and I fling myself against the door, pumping the handle in a hopeless attempt to escape.
“It’s safety locked,” the driver says, without turning round. “When I turn off the engine, the locks open automatically.”
Our eyes meet in the mirror and he winks.
He doesn’t look like a serial killer or a rapist. The coils of terror spinning in my stomach make me want to throw up. I want to scream, but terror has tightened the muscles in my throat and the words come out in a whisper.
Who are you? Where am I?
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think you did a great job showing her emotional state, but I felt a bit lost because I don't know who she is. If you don't want to start the story earlier, maybe give us a sense of where she thinks she should be when she wakes up. Was she expecting to be in a moving car?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I agree with Patchi, I could really feel her emotions but what is even going on? At first I thought she knew she was in the car, was expecting it, but then she's terrified? What does she see wrong with the driver? Who is she? What's she last remember?
ReplyDeleteAlso, paranormal fantasy romance seems like I really long and confusing genre discription. You generally only need two things and usually, I think, paranormal or fantasy not both. If it's set in the real world with things akin to werewolves or vampires or demons, probably paranormal. If it's Wizards and the like probably fantasy. If it's both or somewhere in the middle then probably just ignore me. I'd just suggest trying to get rid of one of those when querying, any of the three to kind of narrow down exactly what the book is about just because having so many could potentially make it seem like you don't understand your own genre. Just my opinion though.
Good luck with this!
To chime in on the genre, I think you could safely say paranormal romance. Paranormal implies some elements of fantasy to begin with and can encompass some pretty broad ideas.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great situation to start with and it's very tense. The last couple paragraphs are a little confusing to me though. She says that he doesn't look like a serial killer and then jumps to being afraid. I think that there's a transition missing in these two ideas. Perhaps rather than saying he doesn't look like a serial killer, you might consider describing him more specifically. (I'm from the PNW... when I think serial killer, I think Ted Bundy...handsome, educated, brilliant guy...so you see how your reader's perceptions might change what you intend.)
But this whole opening leaves me with a lot of questions. I want to know how and I want to know why and that would keep me reading.
To chime in on the genre, I think you could safely say paranormal romance. Paranormal implies some elements of fantasy to begin with and can encompass some pretty broad ideas.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great situation to start with and it's very tense. The last couple paragraphs are a little confusing to me though. She says that he doesn't look like a serial killer and then jumps to being afraid. I think that there's a transition missing in these two ideas. Perhaps rather than saying he doesn't look like a serial killer, you might consider describing him more specifically. (I'm from the PNW... when I think serial killer, I think Ted Bundy...handsome, educated, brilliant guy...so you see how your reader's perceptions might change what you intend.)
But this whole opening leaves me with a lot of questions. I want to know how and I want to know why and that would keep me reading.
The teaser of him having a nice face, EXCEPT begs for more. Without more, the well portrayed lack cause. And it compounds with flinging the door to escape.
ReplyDeleteThe teaser of him having a nice face, EXCEPT begs for more. Without more, the well portrayed lack cause. And it compounds with flinging the door to escape.
ReplyDeleteSeeing your genre, I would definitely try to narrow it down slightly. From what I’m reading here, it feels a bit urban romance-y, which would cover paranormal creatures. PNR is still a tough sell, mind, so just be cautious of that.
ReplyDeleteWhile I get her emotions, it’s hard for me to feel scared for her without a few other cues. Dropping right into the action always gets a big thumb up from me, but I still want cues so I know who is what. One of the hardest thing as a reader is, when things are vague, to make up the whos/hows/whys in your head only for them to be countered later and you’re pulled out of the story trying to adjust your thinking.
The ‘doesn’t look like a serial killer or rapist’ line, misses a bit for me because, so often, they don’t look like you’d expect them to! I want to know why she recoils… what she sees in the mirror. What it is about his face (I’m assuming otherworldly) that makes her think he isn’t a serial killer and yet still strikes terror in her. I’ve watched enough Investigation Discovery to know seeing a serial killer would scare the crap out of me!
I think the idea here works, but the presentation doesn’t quite do what it should. I’m not feeling her fear or worry. I’m wondering if she’s in a police car, a limo, a taxi, because of the glass separating them. I’m wondering why she isn’t wondering how she got there, or trying to remember what happened. It just feels like it goes from her waking up to her being terrified too quickly. Some inner thoughts might built some suspense and make me fear and suspect the driver, too. At this point, I don’t. I feel like he’s going to be a taxi driver who drops her off at this particular place. I I should be feeling what she’s feeling. It needs more, I think.
ReplyDeleteAnd peak should be peek.