Title: The Captive Lord
Genre: Historical Romance
The private coach struck a frozen rut and lurched to the left jostling the three weary travelers inside. Lord Blackthorn, a suspicious man, came instantly alert. Highwaymen were rare, now, on the London road but not entirely unheard of. Instinctively, Blackthorn reached for the pistol secreted in one of the specially constructed pockets inside his greatcoat. The sudden movement wrenched the dagger wounds barely scabbed over in his shoulder and chest. He bit back the cry of pain that rose in his throat. Closing his eyes, he held his breath and sat very still until the pain eased.
For once, and not for many years, Lord Ware Blackthorn sought the comforts of his father’s house. Whether his father allowed him room was uncertain, at best. Perhaps when the Duke saw his eldest son suffering the alternating waves of fever and chill, he would relent. Yet, Shrivenham seemed so far away. For the hundredth time since he‘d left home, Blackthorn wondered if he would make it back alive.
A surreptitious shift by the occupant on the forward seat caught Blackthorn’s attention. Mere feet away, with the coach shutters drawn against the cold night, he could scarcely make out the man’s features. Why had the Prince Regent insisted so vehemently the stranger accompany him? A clergyman was hardly the kind of person awarded passage in the Regent’s private coach. Something about the man seemed off, shabby clothes but handmade boots, humble manners but arrogant eyes. Blackthorn had distrusted him at first sight.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think you have an intriguing opening, but I would suggest removing the second paragraph and giving that information later so you can focus on the scene at hand. Also, I would take out ", a suspicious man," and let the reader find that out for him/herself.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I'm wondering who the third "weary traveler" is, so this opening has captured my interest. It does seem just a bit wordy, so perhaps you could try tightening a bit by deleting a few here and there.
ReplyDelete"reached for the pistol secreted in a pocket inside his greatcoat"
"sat still until the pain eased"
"suffering waves of fever and chill"
"insisted the stranger accompany him"
I'd like to get into the story just a tad faster and some of the extra wording seems to be slowing me down.
I love Regency romance novels, so this is right up my alley. Especially if it's m/m, but moving on:
ReplyDeleteYou've almost got the first paragraph right. It's a little thing but remove "private" from the first sentence. We pick that up later, and less is more in an opening. Past that, let the action happen first and then his reaction. Show the jolt that makes his wounds hurt and then we're primed for the stuff about his worries about highwaymen. Putting it first dampens the urgency.
I'm totally hooked but take that with a grain of salt as I'd read--and have often read--past a lot of problems in books in this category if the premise interests me. So give weight to any crit the other commenters tell you along with my personal eagerness for more.
Tone and pacing work well, and intrigue is built with the man's wounds and worry. I suggest a different word then "cry" of pain. "Grunt" or something similar seems more manly for Blackthorn, yes?
ReplyDeleteMaybe tighten the prose a bit so we could meet the third character who is, I'm guessing a contrast to the mysterious priest.
"A surreptitious shift by the occupant on the forward seat" seems a bit clunky, but it's not a deal-killer. I'd keep reading.
The finger that hooks is the last graf and it does it well. Am on the fence re the telling and distance in the voice. Yes, it's setting the scene. No, it's pushing me away from engagement until that last graf. Still am betting there is a tale to tell here.
ReplyDeleteThe finger that hooks is the last graf and it does it well. Am on the fence re the telling and distance in the voice. Yes, it's setting the scene. No, it's pushing me away from engagement until that last graf. Still am betting there is a tale to tell here.
ReplyDeleteOh very interesting choice to start out a historical with a male POV. I’m wondering if this is a m/m perchance? I’m on the fence about the first two paragraphs if this is too much telling and not enough showing. It does, very much, have a feel of a historical (I’m guessing regency?) but it’s not hitting the mark 100% quite yet.
ReplyDeleteThe scarcely make out features in the dark coach does give me a bit of pause as your eyes do adjust to dim light so if they’ve been traveling for a while, I’m sure he could make out the man’s features. Especially since you describe shabby clothes, handmade boots, and arrogant eyes. (Also make sure the eyes aren’t the ones being arrogant. Arrogant expression, maybe, but eyes themselves don’t have the capacity to be arrogant!) Interesting that we haven’t yet met the third person.
Since these types of novels can take a bit to get off the ground, I’d definitely read on further.
I thought this was done very well. You left me wishing there was more, and romance is usually at the bottom of my reading list. Although historicals are near the top.
ReplyDeleteIn the first parg you might cut the ‘highwayman’ sentence because, while it may be a highwayman, it isn’t likely, so it doesn’t come off as a big threat and it lessens the tension. If he just reacts without mentioning the highwayman, we assume it’s his nature (because you just said that) and we assume he’s living in dangerous times, and then that’s all confirmed when you describe the priest.
The sudden movement wrenched the dagger wounds barely scabbed over in his shoulder and chest.
Perhaps – The sudden movement wrenched the barely scabbed over dagger wounds in his shoulder and chest. To me, it reads smoother.
In parg two, ‘For once’ means the first time, but then you go on to say ‘and not for many years’ which means it’s not for once. He’s done it before. So that’s contradictory. Perhaps just start this sentence with ‘Blackthorne sought the comforts . . . ‘
Nicely done!