Title: IF the GUY FITS
Genre: Space Western Rom Com
Maxine Scull grew up on a gentlemen’s farm on New Earth where her toes stretched into warm soil and her shoulders kissed the cool breeze. That was her youth, so privileged she even had a pet pony. She also had the time to stare at clouds and think acting might be a viable career choice, certainly better than studying something practical—like art history. Accounting: that never crossed her mind. Being a repo agent . . . she didn’t know what that was.
Growing up on a farm she learned about sex before she could walk, and her take on it was simple. When it came to chickens, the rooster was definitely having the better time of it. At an early age and despite her gender, Maxine Scull vowed to be a cock.
But those days were long past. The family money was gone, the soil had turned to dust, and now she knew all about repo agents, having become one herself. At twenty-five, all that remained of her youth was the dream of stardom.
In pursuit of that dream she had spent the last month as far removed from toes in the dirt as possible. Her feet skimmed across the floor lightly, unable to function well in the artificial gravity onboard the space freighter. When she tried to walk she strutted, shoulders rocking, head bobbing, and that reminded her of chickens.
The captain of this ship—who had been trying all along to push her down, jump on her back, and bite her neck—chickens.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Love the description in this!
ReplyDeleteHello!
ReplyDeleteYou have some lovely description in places that are great pieces of immediate, sensory information. I feel like this world must be interesting, but I struggle to get into it because I get so much of your main character's backstory. I feel like this is maybe starting a little too far back -- I'd much rather learn about her personality and history during things HAPPENING, rather than having it all front-loaded, which will usually turn me off a book. You tell her backstory well -- it's just that info dumps are never fast, however pretty.
Beautiful sentences though and an interesting metaphor running through with the chickens.
And I love this line:
'At an early age and despite her gender, Maxine Scull vowed to be a cock.'
Well done and good luck!
The language in this is very evocative and as said above, I like the chickens metaphor. That tells me right off something about your world.
ReplyDeleteThe information at the beginning would be interesting to see conveyed in dialogue. Maxine seems to be a character of action--placing her in the middle of something dramatic might be a good option for opening the story.
The title is really fun and I especially like the capitalization of IF. ;)
All in all, I enjoyed this. Good luck!
The language in this is very evocative and as said above, I like the chickens metaphor. That tells me right off something about your world.
ReplyDeleteThe information at the beginning would be interesting to see conveyed in dialogue. Maxine seems to be a character of action--placing her in the middle of something dramatic might be a good option for opening the story.
The title is really fun and I especially like the capitalization of IF. ;)
All in all, I enjoyed this. Good luck!
The first sentence was weird. I'd expect wind to kiss shoulders, not the other way around. It was odd imagery that immediately put me in the wrong state of mind.
ReplyDeleteAfter that it was 100% telling and backstory. Things like "so privileged" are a discussion on social issues, not compelling fiction. Nothing is happening and that's a problem. I don't want to be told everything you want me to know before I'm allowed to start the journey with the character. I want to immediately be THERE with the character and learn what I need to know as we go along together. Put me INTO the setting with her, using imagery and sensory experience. Show me who she is through her interactions with the world and the things she notices and the way she reacts. Anything else can be peppered in as necessary.
I don't do romance, but I would cuddle this book so hard. First line is great description. Second line is funny. Ok. That gets me to finish the first parg. Second parg is about sex and ends with a wicked killer line. Ok. I'm in. I'm loving this character.
ReplyDeleteNow: nitpicking. The cool breeze should kiss HER shoulders. I would chop the bit about art history and accounting, and get straight to the repo work.
I like the multiple uses of chicken metaphors. Get to her acting like her badass self as quickly as possible.
I love the feel of this, and I don't know how, but there's already the sense of a Texas drawl to the words. That's well done. I'm engaged, so that part is nailed. I do wonder about the more than one paragraph to get things off the ground, and I'm torn. I feel like most stories have a rhythm to their beginnings. The first paragraph is the gritty "this is who we're dealing with," and then we move on to an older age, but you keep us in the very distant past for two go rounds. Admittedly it's a very nuanced thing, and there are plenty who would disagree (I'm not one hundred percent myself, but I thought I'd point it out since it was the thing that caught my eye). Again, good work, and I'd read on to the next to see where things were going.
ReplyDeleteI like this opening--it sets the character up well and made me smile. Though that last line kind of threw me some and I found myself reading it a couple of times to make sure I caught the meaning (and as a random side note, the roosters don't bite the hen's backs, they use the feathers there for leverage and often pull them out by the root...so totally not necessary, but it crossed my thoughts :).
ReplyDeleteI see space western, so I’m immediately thinking something FIREFLY-esque and I’m hoping I’m not wrong! As I’ve commented on other entries, do make sure you’re not personifying body parts (shoulders wouldn’t kiss). I’m a little lost on some of the world building here — saying she grew up on a gentlemen’s farm makes it sound like her family didn’t own it… and then saying family money is gone, I’m wondering why she was in such a situation to grow up on said gentlemen’s farm!
ReplyDeleteI adore the chicken metaphor for sex (serious laugh out loud moment here) but then saying she strutted like a chicken in the last paragraph in pursuit of her dream of stardom, it feels like you’ve taken the metaphor one step too far. Chickens and how they walk aren’t exactly what I’d expect from a budding starlet.
You’re telling me so much about who she is and her past rather than showing me who she is through other methods. You have a great voice for her and even from the title, she sounds like the type of protagonist I really love. I just don’t think you’re letting her shine like she should by starting where you are.
This is basically all backstory. There are only two sentences that put us in the moment – Maxine trying to walk in artificial gravity. So what do I know about what’s going on? Virtually nothing.
ReplyDeleteInstead of all the backstory, perhaps let us know why Maxine is on this ship? To pursue her acting dream isn’t enough. How does she plan to do that? Where is she going and why? Where has she just come from? Start the story and let us learn the backstory gradually as we move along.