TITLE: Twice Betrayed
GENRE: MG Historical Fiction
Three girls, in Colonial Philadelphia, dress as boys and head to the river to put a perilous plan into action, but only two return and one is accused of treason. To escape the traitorous web that ensnared her, she must again don boy’s clothes—her life depends on it.
Something big is about to happen. The momentum outside the upholstery shop’s open window draws me like my needle pulls its thread. With more vigor than concentration, I force the point through the gathered lace ascot I’ve been working on all day and prick myself. My hand jerks back. “Ouch! Pay attention to what you are doing, Perdy Rogers.”
I suck the circle of blood from my finger and can’t stop staring at the drays rolling by carrying people, instead of lumber and stones.
Mindless of the pouring rain, citizens rush down Arch Street, spurred on by the energy pulsing through Philadelphia like the electrical charge Mr. Franklin discovered with his kite and key. Some whisper. Others shout. But all bear the same message. “Freedom. The time is now.”
Suddenly, Jane Ann and Lizzie dart through the crowd.
“Lizzie,” yells Jane Ann, leaping away. “You’re splattering my skirts.” To get even, she jumps in a murky puddle and splashes mud onto Lizzie’s ruffled petticoat.
“Ahhh.” Lizzie takes shelter under the vendor’s stall, opposite the shop, to brush grime from her skirt.
Jane Ann laughs, but her smile fades when she spots me at the window. She motions to Lizzie to wait and hops puddles across the street.
The shop bells jingle as I yank the door open.
“Perdy. What are you doing inside? Come with us to The State House. Adam says over four thousand people have a mind to make Pennsylvania join the revolt against King George."
Miss Snark's First Victim
There are stories that begin with a promise. Yours does. It's that promise of a story that wants us to keep reading. It's something that I've been writing about in different comments on different entries. The scenes can be well placed, but without that "promise" of what's to come, I don't know if I want to keep going. This makes me want to keep going.
ReplyDeleteTidbits... "I suck ..." Don't think you need "can't stop staring." I'd just say, "and stare..."
MINDLESS of the pouring rain?
I myself didn't need the Franklin reference. I would have stopped at Philadelphia.
The last line didn't grab me. It sounds like you're trying to give too much information in what should be an immediate "grab by the arm and let's go" kind of attitude.
Like, "Perdy. Good you're here." She pulls me by the arm just as I'm though the door and I'm back outside again. "They're doing it. They're all over at State House talking about it." She leans in to my ear. "There's going to be a revolt against King George. You know what that means."
Look, I'm just rambling a bit here. It's like 2 in the morning, but I hope this helps a bit.
I'm not re-reading what I've written so I hope it makes sense. Good night, and good luck.
What a great premise. This sounds like just the kind of book my daughter loves to read ;)
ReplyDeleteCaveat: I'm NOT personally well-versed in MG so do not know exactly the tone/tenor that suits the subgenre.
But in general terms - you have this great opportunity from first person POV to sink really deeply into the reader's head, by being close in your MC's. A few tweaks/polish could bring this out. For instance when you introduce Jane Anne and Lizzie, the narrator ascribes intentions to them (to get even, to brush grime) which are a fine assessment - but your reader is most interested in the narrator's own intentions & emotional state, in order to identify with her as closely and intimately as possible. Rather than have your MC tell her story to us, what she sees and does, you-the-author can narrate events from inside-MC's-head. So that each snippet of her description is 'colored' with her voice, and revealing-her-emotion becomes your primary goal, rather than relating the story as it unfolds.
In the opening paragraphs, for instance, I'm wondering: what is her emotional take on these calls for freedom and all that is about-to-happen? Dark foreboding or excitement/anticipation? Revealing that mood to us, by giving an emotional character to the descriptions of what the MC sees/feels, can draw readers deeply into the story so they feel personally attached to your heroine.
Can't wait to read this when it's published!
You craft a lively, compelling opening paragraph. There is a rich sense of time and place to ground the reader as well as "period appropriate" references and word choices. I definitely would want to read on since you've orchestrated a hustling and bustling first scene giving the reader a sense of anticipation and curiosity of what will follow.
ReplyDeleteWith some MG or YA novels, I've felt a certain distance that, for whatever reason, did not engage me totally in the story. You have managed to take away that "wall" and transport me right there with your main character, Perdy.
These are polished opening paragraphs that reflect exceptional writing.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis is such an AMAZING premise and I love the sense of time and place here. Fantastic job!
ReplyDeleteThe story opens with a feeling of excitement. "Something is about to happen." What? As a reader you want to know and want to keep reading. The ending line does the same. "Perdy...Come with us." The reader is invited into a world on the brink of change and the characters are tugging at the reader's sleeve demanding one to turn the page and read on. You feel an immediacy in these opening paragraphs. Bits of description are sprinkled in to ground you in the time period, but the emotional feeling draws one in. Verb choices like spurred, pulsed, and yank keep the action at high pitch. This is not a dry, dusty history lesson. Readers are promised a rousing ride if they turn the page and follow Perdy through the streets of Philadelphia.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I liked your snippet and the voice of the MC. It felt authentic and the period details were woven in nicely. The sense of place is perfect. The bits with the two girls playing around sound like MG kids. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteHere are a few observances:
* the Franklin reference did not bother me at all
* the last line does seem a bit force feeding of info. you can fix it by dropping 'Adam says over four thousand' in favor of something simpler like 'all these people' or 'Everyone's over at'. Adam hasn't been introduced, so he can be deleted here.
* like Austenfan, I think it would be more effective to add IM instead of setting. What she thinks and feels could be portrayed in the first paragraph. Maybe her nervousness or excitement makes her prick her finger.
* the summary could be reworked. First, stay in Third present. (ensnares, not ensnared ) Second, for clarity, name the MC. Third, I'd delete 'dress as boys' since the real conflict is their treason, right? * Keep focus on your MC's goal, not the dressing up. If treason is a big part of your story, then let us hear her thoughts on the tyranny of the British.
Of course these are just my thoughts. Feel free to toss any that don't help. Good luck with this!
I love the energy in this opening. What a way to draw your reader into the story! As a teacher, mother, and writer, I'm always on the lookout for well-written historical fiction, and a girl dressed as a boy in colonial Philly sounds like fun. Great premise! The writing is vivid and flows very nicely. My favorite line: "Some whisper. Others shout. But all bear the same message: 'Freedom. The time is now.'" I'd definitely like to read more and hope to see this one published!
ReplyDeleteBefore I get to the text: your pitch is slightly clunky to my ears.
ReplyDeleteProbably drop the commas from "Three girls, in Colonial Philadelphia,"
Then, let me get this straight -- the three dress as boys and head to the river to put a perilous plan into action, but only two return -- and THEN one of those two is accused of treason, right? And then I'm thinking the other is the one who has to dress up as a boy... I'm guessing to free the allegedly treasonous girl, but I am not certain. What is at stake here? I'm confused and the value proposition isn't just laying right out there for me to see.
I'm not sure I find her talking to herself in her full name (Perdy Rogers) realistic. Maybe just Perdy?
LOVE the phrase: "spurred on by the energy pulsing through Philadelphia like the electrical charge Mr. Franklin discovered with his kite and key."
I'm a bit jarred by this from a time perspective. One minute, Perdy is pricking herself with a needle, and then next, the two girls are running through the streets until they arrive at Perdy's. I would probably start with the girls racing in the streets, arriving just in time to see Perdy pricking her finger or something like that so it is a little more linear.
Great start :)
Love the premise. Nice use of language. I love how the momentum draws her like a needle pulling thread. (the metaphor fits the historical time period)
ReplyDeleteIs the main character talking to herself when she says, "Pay attention to what you are doing, Perdy Rogers?" I had to re-read that sentence to make sure.
Best of luck with this. Interesting premise and strong writing.
Hi, I'm not much of a MG person, but love historical fiction, as well as anything where girls dress up like boys, so I'm already intrigued, and I thought your opening scene works well in setting up your story. As some of the other commenters noted, you have great energy starting out.
ReplyDeleteI would say that I'd like to see the MC's name in the logline, or something that differentiates her there.
I was confused about "her smile fades" - is this trying to be foreboding? otherwise, I can't account for it, because Jane Ann then immediately crosses the street to seek out Perdy. Why wouldn't she smile at her friend?
Also, even though the shop window is open, with all the commotion outside, would Perdy really hear what the other girls are saying?
I think you can do also without some of your commas:
"Three girls, in Colonial Philadelphia, dress"
"by carrying people, instead of"
"stall, opposite the shop, to"
But I have to say, I'm working really hard to be nitpicky here and find something to sugeest, because I think you have a great entry! Good luck!
I love the voice and the pace is good. You've got a lot happening to draw the reader in.
ReplyDeleteYour pitch isn't near as polished, but others have comment on that.
I'd delete the first sentence and change momentum to commotion--but that's just personal preference.
There are a couple logic issues I might address:
1) I doubt store street-front windows would have opened in that period.
2) Whether Ben Franklin flew a kite or not (it's probable he only wrote about it), would his electricity experiments from 20 years before be at the top of a young girl's mind?
3) You narrator a lot of commotion on the street, yet the MC seems to hear her two friends across the street and see them clearly past the drays, the rushing crowd and the pouring rain.
Good luck :)
Your logline is very succinct and flows well. Great job there.
ReplyDeleteIt’s also very difficult for me to find anything to suggest to improve in your first 250 words. Your “needle” metaphor is original and fitting for the time period, your MC’s voice feels authentic, you evoke the senses, and you use strong verbs throughout. The interaction between the girls also vividly demonstrates the friendship they share. I guess the only thing I can suggest is yes, perhaps break the last line up as WriteNow suggested above.
This is a wonderful entry. Good luck!
I like the premise of the story!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure a lot of MG readers would know what your main character is doing - clearly sewing something but I'd bet a lot of kids don't know what an ascot is - why it's gathered, etc. I'm not sure why she's making an ascot in an upholstery shop.
Yes, I had to reread to make sure your mc was talking to herself. But this is only the first few hundred words - calling herself by her full name may be something she does. Since the story is from her point of view I'd like to know more about her feelings - she must be jumping inside - that caused her distraction so she pricks her finger.
For a girl to be dressed as a boy was a revolutionary act - please keep it. And the reference to Adams sounds right to me. Of course you'd go to hear a speaker - especially if it was someone like Adams.
I guess my most difficult issue is that the story is written from Perdy's POV but you've got dialogue from her friends as they run down a crowded street buzzing with people. I felt like I'd moved out to the street to hear them and then back.
Your story shows great promise! Best of luck.
Great and interesting premise using historical fiction. The descriptive sewing terminology adds to the overall feel of the story, and the surging crowd increases its intensity.
ReplyDeleteThe need for the girls to dress as boys in order to accomplish their goals promises the story will touch on other social issues of the day and would provide an opportunity for interesting classroom discussion.
Since the story is written from the dedicated third person POV, would Perdy be able to hear the interaction between Lizzie and Jane Ann?
A great read. Good luck!
I think all the comments I could offer have been well covered above. Instead, here's an alternate version of your log line:
ReplyDeletePhiladelphia, 17**. When three girls disguise themselves as boys to put a perilous plan into action only two return alive. Soon after, one, (insert her name here), is accused of treason. Traitorous web closing in fast, (Insert her name here) must again don boy’s clothes to escape with her life.
Good luck!
Love the premise!
ReplyDeleteI think the log line needs some work. They always say to be specific in loglines, and this one as a lot of vague and general statements. (I know it’s tough to get specific in so few words!) “perilous plan into action” is one vague statement. I’d cut the “down the river” part and use the words to tell us what the perilous plan is. “Traitorous web that ensnared her” is also vague. I’d like to know more about what the web is and how her life depends on donning clothes—what the goal is, if possible.
The 250 is exciting, what with the time period and all. I agree with what other says about Perdy hearing her friends. That took me out of your writing because it didn’t make sense to me that she could hear their conversation. Maybe have her sitting on the porch?
I don’t write MG, so I can’t speak to whether the voice is at the right level. But the writing is good and I expect agents will be excited about this premise. Good luck!
Love the premise!
ReplyDeleteI think the log line needs some work. They always say to be specific in loglines, and this one as a lot of vague and general statements. (I know it’s tough to get specific in so few words!) “perilous plan into action” is one vague statement. I’d cut the “down the river” part and use the words to tell us what the perilous plan is. “Traitorous web that ensnared her” is also vague. I’d like to know more about what the web is and how her life depends on donning clothes—what the goal is, if possible.
The 250 is exciting, what with the time period and all. I agree with what other says about Perdy hearing her friends. That took me out of your writing because it didn’t make sense to me that she could hear their conversation. Maybe have her sitting on the porch?
I don’t write MG, so I can’t speak to whether the voice is at the right level. But the writing is good and I expect agents will be excited about this premise. Good luck!
I really love the premise and the concept, however I think the blurb and the opening could be stronger.
ReplyDeleteIn the blurb, I would mention the stakes as in what can happen to her if she wears boys' clothes? I didn't get what she's accused of and how it is linked to wearing boys clothes.
I am also confused by the beginning. She is sewing something or embroidering, so I imagined her in a cozy home with candlelight and surrounded by other girls doing the same thing in some kind of classroom. Suddenly, the action jolts away from her and goes outside, under the rain, in a crowd. That was jarring to me! I would remove the first sentence and the third paragraph because they don't really belong, IMO. You could work on the atmosphere a little bit more and the setting and choose where the girl is. Maybe she could even wait at the entrance of the shop, watching the crowd. That would be nice to have a year, a season and a place because it is historical fiction. Their age would help to. Good luck.
This sounds very intriguing!
ReplyDeleteLove the gender-bendy plot, but I need to know why in the tagline. Perilous plot - give me some more hints to what is going on than that.
ReplyDeleteAt first I thought the needle drawing thread was a simile, and so I was confused when I realised she really was sewing.
You've got her thinking something big is about to happen. And then bodies are being transported past outside. And she's sewing. The tension is there, of course, but I'm wondering why she's sewing and worried about a finger prick and mud. Minor things though, as the tension really is there. You paint a good picture and draw us in.
Sounds like an awesome story. The writing as 1st person present is very close to the MC and I like it. It's a tough method in storytelling but if the rest is as good as this excerpt...well done!! Of course I'm curious in the plan and treason part of the plot! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThe opening scene has energy, and I can feel the rush toward the State House.
ReplyDeleteMaybe change where the comma is in this sentence: "... can't stop staring at the drays rolling by, carrying people instead of lumber and stones."
The voice feel appropriate for the period. I'd read more.
"...the momentum outside the upholstery shop’s open window." This seems wordy, can you cut 'open?" I love this opening and it has a lot of movement and imagery.
ReplyDeleteWould she really refer to herself by her full name when she pokes herself? Maybe just Perdy?
Really good job! I'd keep reading