TITLE: Flash
GENRE: YA Paranormal romance
A teenage boy, born as a liaison between the living and the dead, agonizes over the way to tell a frenemy that she's next.
Benjamin strolled into Taylor Woods Nursing Home knowing somebody was going to die.
Popping an orange Tic Tac into his mouth, he nodded at the secretary and headed off towards the East wing. He didn’t need a guest pass. She knew who he was, and based on the raise of a single eyebrow, she was curious. He peeked back, wondering if she was watching to see which room he walked into.
She was.
“Howdy, Ms. Gail,” Benjamin crooned as he walked through the door at the end of the hallway. In this wing, lunch was served on trays as all residents were no longer able to make it to the cafeteria. The floral and disinfectant smell of the nursing home was too strong for his nostrils to make out the menu.
Ms. Gail wasn’t speaking. Benjamin blew out the breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. Had he expected her to stand up and dance at his arrival? Nobody did that, even if they didn’t know about his gift. Or curse, depending on the day.
Her bedroom was noisy, even though it was just the two of them. The respiratory machine hummed as it breathed in and out, an accordion-like thing moving up and down with the noise. To the right of Ms. Gail was the heart machine. The green lines weren’t moving up very far, if that meant anything at all. And the beeping noise that accompanied the rising green line took a break for a few seconds before repeating.
Saying Ms. Gail was pale would be an understatement. As Benjamin approached her bedside, his own pale skin looked tan in comparison. Her breaths were shallow, so he knew she was still with him. And even though her eyes were closed, he knew she’d awaken any second.
“Ms. Gail,” he sang as he swept her gray bangs off her forehead. “Wakey, wakey.”
“What are you doing?” The female voice came out of nowhere, causing Benjamin to pull back abruptly.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Good plot intrigue and character showcasing of Benjamin on this first page.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious about the woman who interrupts him. The use of "strolling" and "sang" suggest an insouciance that's at odds with a typical person's knowledge of death. I assume that's your intention?
ReplyDeleteIntriguing first page. I'm anxious to read on and find out who is in the room with him and why he has to wake Ms. Gail. To tell her she's about to die? No wonder no one is jumping up and down to see him. The only thing that trips me up on this page is the line: "Benjamin blew out the breath he wasn't aware he was holding." That's an abrupt change of pace from greeting her and describing the smells. Usually someone holds their breath in fear or anticipation and I'm not getting those feelings from him. And of course she's not speaking, she's asleep. So I don't see how that connects to him holding his breath either or why he expects her to speak. Also, he croons and he sings instead of just speaking. Once works, twice on the same page may be too much. The second time, since we don't know anyone else is in the room, the action tag is sufficient anyway. Just my opinion. Good Luck Tuesday!
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea of his being a "liaison," which I assume means he's doing more than just warning folks that they are about to die, but helping them prepare. Not sure if the first line has quite the impact it's mean to, though - I walk into my mom's nursing home for lunch every day and can say the same thing. Of course, this guy REALLY knows it, but we don't really get to the "twist" for a few lines down. I'd love to have the next line provide that pop.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite thing here is his affect, which is very strange -- almost happy-go-lucky -- and that holds a lot of promise.
Great job, and good luck!
Very intriguing premise.
ReplyDeleteSmooth sailing until the paragraph that begins “Ms. Gail wasn’t speaking. Benjamin blew out the breath he wasn’t aware he was holding."
This paragraph is a little awkward. The "breath he wasn't aware he was holding" made me stumble. And, in particular: “Had he expected her to stand up and dance at his arrival?” is awkward. Also, I wasn’t sure what the last sentence was referring to.
Otherwise, definitely got my interest, here!
Very intriguing premise.
ReplyDeleteSmooth sailing until the paragraph that begins “Ms. Gail wasn’t speaking. Benjamin blew out the breath he wasn’t aware he was holding."
This paragraph is a little awkward. The "breath he wasn't aware he was holding" made me stumble. And, in particular: “Had he expected her to stand up and dance at his arrival?” is awkward. Also, I wasn’t sure what the last sentence was referring to.
Otherwise, definitely got my interest, here!
I agree that this has an interesting premise, although I'm not confident I understand from the logline exactly what the premise is. What does it mean to be a "liaison between the living and the dead," and is his frenemy about to become the next liaison or is she about to die? It's not clear.
ReplyDeleteThere were a few stumbling blocks on the first page as well. Lunch seems like an unnecessary detail. I would cut it so that we can get to the reason why Benjamin is there faster.
I'm not sure how to interpret the line about Benjamin blowing out a breath. That action suggests nervousness, but everything else he does and says in this scene indicates a very casual, almost cocky attitude about whatever it is he's going to do.
Similarly, the description of the respirator and heart monitor make it seem like he's not familiar with the equipment, but we're told in the first paragraph that he visits the nursing home frequently.
Those inconsistencies leave me more confused than intrigued, I'm afraid.
I like the premise as well. I also like that some people apparently know about his gift. That was an intriguing tidbit that I did not expect, but enjoyed when I read it.
ReplyDelete"To the right of Ms. Gail was the heart machine. The green lines weren’t moving up very far, if that meant anything at all. And the beeping noise that accompanied the rising green line took a break for a few seconds before repeating."
This section struck me as awkward. Perhaps because it imparted description that was perhaps unnecessary? I might consider deleting or paring it down. I don't think you need to include that the green lines weren't moving very far or even to speak about the heart machine at all. Also, I don't know if you're saying it as "heart machine" because it's from his perspective, but that sounds very random as opposed to the more commonly used "heart monitor."
"Saying Ms. Gail was pale would be an understatement. As Benjamin approached her bedside, his own pale skin looked tan in comparison."
This sounds awkward as well, partly because you say pale twice and it doesn't seem to be because of a cadence or rhythm of prose but just the same word accidentally used twice.
"Her breaths were shallow, so he knew she was still with him. And even though her eyes were closed, he knew she’d awaken any second."
This is also awkward sounding, again because it is repetitive.
I do like his character, and I enjoy that he has a personality and a voice from the get-go. I would read on even despite these small tweaks because they are small.
It's an interesting premise. I'm wondering if he's a Reaper character or something else. I liked Benjamin's character so far.
ReplyDeleteI found the talk about the lunch trays awkward. It does make sense as a lead in to the notion that this is the wing where the very feeble, near-death residents are kept and to give some sensory detail with how the floral and disinfectant overpower it, so I get where you were going with that. As a detail, I like it. The reason I think it's awkward, though, is that it's seemingly random. We're not shown that he sees anything that indicates it's lunchtime or makes him think about how they're served lunch.
What would make more sense, I think, is if he had to push aside an overbed tray table to reach her beside. Then you could mention how they can't get to the cafeteria and how the flowers and disinfectant was strong enough to mask the scent of whatever (maybe he can't tell what lunch is because it's ground up, which they do for anyone who's begun having swallowing difficulty).
I did like the description of the breathing machine, but the line that makes it seem that he doesn't know what a strong vs. weak heartbeat look like feels out of place. His casualness with the whole process makes it seem like he's been doing this job for a while, so I'd expect him to pretty much know what all the lines mean if from nothing but observation of his charges in their final moments.
Benjamin has a lot of personality and I wish we'd gotten to see who's interrupted him and how that's going to affect his task (and what his task is, even). Good luck!
Really cool premise! My only comment, which I note had already been mentioned, is that he seems surprised Ms. Gail doesn't respond to his greeting. Later he notes that she's clearly asleep. Did he not realize that when he walked in? At least her being asleep answered my question as to why her heart rate didn't skyrocket when she saw him. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIf he is a liaison between the living and the dead, what does that mean? Does he let people come back from the dead too? Having a teenager as a grim reaper is intriguing because as a teen, there could be other problems along the way too. The writing is very well done and I felt like I was there, which is solid!!
ReplyDeleteIf he is a liaison between the living and the dead, what does that mean? Does he let people come back from the dead too? Having a teenager as a grim reaper is intriguing because as a teen, there could be other problems along the way too. The writing is very well done and I felt like I was there, which is solid!!
ReplyDeleteIntriguing premise and a great first page!. Like the person commenting before me, I'd just like to see a bit more clarification in the premise as to what it means to be a 'liaison'. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI was not hooked by this entry. I did not know what the stakes were so it was hard to sympathize. And the voice did not draw me in. In the first paragraph, the same sentence pattern alternate "he" she". Then you use a lot of "was" "were". However, I was intrigued by the end of the passage, especially because of the way the protagonist speaks, and the subject sounds interesting.
ReplyDeleteGreat hook line. I didn't get a good sense of what's going on with the first page. I would keep reading based on the hook.
ReplyDeleteI am curious to find out what you mean by a liaison between the living and the dead. Does he live in some netherworld? Does he kill off people or alert them? The creep factor was high for me as I imagined that he was going to kill Mrs. Gail, but I'm not entire certain that is correct there. Still, I would want to read more! Liked :)
ReplyDeleteReally good premise, love the pace/timing with 'She was,' and I think you've picked a good place in the story to start.
ReplyDeleteThe descriptions fell a bit flat for me ('...an accordion-like thing moving up and down with the noise.' 'Benjamin blew out the breath he wasn’t aware he was holding.' 'Saying Ms. Gail was pale would be an understatement.'). I'd work on these to make them as crisp and as stunning as possible given this your opening scene. Have a play and see what you can come up with (aim for character-revealing and cliché-free).
Hi, you have a great idea and some really great writing here. I like the juxtaposition of the casualness of the MC with the extreme knowledge that he has. I stumbled over why the smell of the nursing home would interfere with him reading the menu. I think I know what you mean, but for some reason I picture an actual menu. Also, you say "make" twice in that paragraph. Maybe use a different verb. Good job!
ReplyDeleteFirst sentence is very strong! Made me want to read on! Be careful not repeat the word "pale". Loved the comparison of the respiratory machine to an accordion. Instead of "pull back abruptly", is there a single word that can replace this phrase? (to show us the abrupt movement instead of telling us about it?) Strong writing! Best of luck with this!
ReplyDeleteI definitely want to read more. I'm super intrigued as to who's catching him doing whatever it is that he's doing. Two things, I feel the addition of orange in front of Tic tac kind of slows down the pacing and seems maybe unnecessary. Also not sure why the smell of something makes it hard to see? But small things. Super interesting premise!
ReplyDeleteI like this premise. I agree with some of the others that I'm not sure what a liaison is, but I'd read more to find out. The lunch part and the blowing out the breath part slowed down the action for me a bit. I think you could take most of that out, starting with, "In this wing. . ." through "depending on the day." Then you could work the gift/curse part (which I like) somewhere below the heart machine paragraph. Just a small suggestion. Otherwise, strong writing! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I didn't agree with the first line. I think it could be a long simpler and a lot stronger. When I read it, my reaction, was just "Yeah, well that would be expected. It is a nursing home." Do you see what I mean? Just a thought, but I know you could tease the death line into being a lot more of a draw in. Just my opinion. Take it for what it's worth.
ReplyDeleteSorry, this has my pet hate "Benjamin blew out the breath he wasn't aware he was holding" on the very first page. For me, this would be grounds to close the book and put it back on the bookstore shelf. Please find another more interesting and original way to show us he is nervous, or worried, or anxious.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise of your story. There is a spot that jarred me while reading: He blew out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Up to this point, the character seems quite unaffected--he says, "howdy," and croons his words. Why the sudden change? Secondly, I wondered why he doesn't know what the green lines on the monitor mean? He is the liaison between life and death. Even the nursing home personnel know him--a hint he's been there a few times before. Thirdly, watch the speech tags. He croons and he sings his words all in 250 words.
ReplyDeleteI like this story but I have very little idea of what's going on from the logline. I do not know what born to be a "liaison" between living and dead means. The story infers he can pull people back from death - I'd like to know that upfront in your logline. (I know you wanted to keep the logline very short so you could get to the fabulous last line but still, it would have been nice to have "what" he is upfront) And what does he have to tell his "frenemy"? That she's going to die? That's what I assume that but you haven't told me.
ReplyDeleteI like details like popping the orange Tic Tac. I like how you've built the character - very much in charge of himself - but if he "croons" in one line (indicating casual confidence) I doubt he'd be so stressed he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in the next paragraph. And then you have the voice out of nowhere.
I'd like to read more!
- "crooned" felt like a poor word choice. I wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic, patronizing, or kind.
ReplyDelete- The rest of that paragraph ("In this wing...out the menu") seemed unnecessary. It confused me (is he going through the door into a wing full of people, or into a single room?) and didn't add any good details that helped me feel the place was alive. You've done a great job describing the nursing home in other paragraphs, so this can all probably be dropped.
- I'm definitely hooked and would turn the page!
- "crooned" felt like a poor word choice. I wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic, patronizing, or kind.
ReplyDelete- The rest of that paragraph ("In this wing...out the menu") seemed unnecessary. It confused me (is he going through the door into a wing full of people, or into a single room?) and didn't add any good details that helped me feel the place was alive. You've done a great job describing the nursing home in other paragraphs, so this can all probably be dropped.
- I'm definitely hooked and would turn the page!
Lots of great comments. I especially agree with Neicole.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that I loved out loud at the opening. Anticipating death in a nursing home is not an unusual talent. Although many here read it with the proper tone, I'm not sure if most teens would.
You do need to work on your logline--especially for a teen MC who probably spends way to much time in old age homes. Make him come across unique.
You have a nice rhythm to your writing. Lots of bits people have talked about improving, but I'd keep reading.
An interesting idea, but you may want to improve the log line. Agonizing over how to tell someone something isn't all that exciting, and I'm sure there's more than that to your story. Tell us the plot, not the idea.
ReplyDeleteI had the same issues with the "holding his breath' line as everyone else, and you may want to revisit the parg where he talks about lunch. It's explanation for the reader, and in the last sentence, you might want to say he couldn't make out the menu, not his nostrils,
Also, I got the idea this would be a serious story (I don't know why, maybe because it deals with death.) but the MC crooning and singing and saying "wakey, wakey,' just seemed too lighthearted. Although, I did get the sense he was going to save the old woman, rather than kill her. I'd read more.
Well, you've certainly intrigued everyone! I think everyone's already pointed out the few issues. What really interests me is the MC's attitude in addressing the old woman. It's obviously not what a reader would expect from a Grim Reaper-type, so it's a great twist.
ReplyDeleteI love your premise. I agree that clarifying what a liaison between the living and the dead is would give us a clearer picture of what your story is about and where it is going. Great job and good luck!
ReplyDeleteI liked your logline, but I think you could clarify it and lengthen it a bit. It was interesting, but I can't say I was completely hooked by it. Seems like it could be a good storyline, has a great voice.
ReplyDeleteWow. Definitely intriguing - from the opening line and "orange tic-tac." I'm curious as to why he's so nonchalant and chipper. Agree that clarifying what a liaison is...nice work!
ReplyDelete