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Thursday, November 19, 2015

OTB Logline Critique #1

TITLE: The Pendragon’s son
GENRE: Adult - Fantasy

Prince Vaeldhei, the son of King Arthur and apprentice to the wizard Merlin, tries to thwart his deluded half-brother and a vengeful sorceress from igniting a countrywide war, despite a grim prophecy cursing all of Britain.

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6 comments:

  1. Holly BodgerNovember 19, 2015 at 10:50 AM

    I think this would be stronger if you told us why he's doing this NOW. Does something happen that makes them want to ignite a war? Also, we need some stakes. What does he personally have to lose if he doesn't stop the war?

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  2. JKNovember 19, 2015 at 10:56 AM

    This very clearly sets up the situation and conflict, and were I a King Arthur fan, that might have been enough. However, it is a very high level view, kind of akin to TV guide blurbs, which can be fine if people are already familiar or engaged (such as King Arthur fans), but for those outside the fandom can--at least it seems to me--be too vague. I would have liked more of a sense of the character or why this matters to him, something specific and personal to draw me in emotionally.

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  3. Jennifer KayNovember 19, 2015 at 12:48 PM

    The story concept sounds interesting, but I wonder why the Prince is the one who must stop the war. Is no one else trying to stop it? What happens to him personally if it isn't stopped. I do love King Arthur, so I'd probably give it a read to find out.

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  4. L.C. McGeheeNovember 19, 2015 at 12:49 PM

    Although this does work as an example of a concise logline that gives a general overview, as JK said, I agree that when you're doing a logline for a contest that allows you more words, you would want to add something that makes this more compelling on a personal level. And since on the surface this is much the same as the existing Arthurian legends that have been written about so many times already, it would help if you could include something about the MC and his story that shows how this is distinctive and different from those.

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  5. SussuNovember 19, 2015 at 5:50 PM

    The story is clear here. Nice, simple, to the point logline. I would have liked to know something personal about the MC though and his character arc.

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  6. Suzan Teall HeadleyNovember 19, 2015 at 11:47 PM

    Yes, I agree. The story is clear. But I think I would take advantage of the 50-70 word limit and add more details to intrigue us.

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