TITLE: The Third Gift
GENRE: MG - Fantasy
All Marisi wanted was the adventure of a lifetime. She got it when a witch kidnapped her parents and took over her home. To get everything back she must solve three impossible riddles before sunrise. But her baby sister may be the key that saves them all.
This is quite good, although the final line doesn't really add much. We want to see obstacles to her solving the riddles and not something that may make her goal easier to reach.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I really liked this right up until the last line. The baby sister comes out of nowhere, and it's not really clear how she fits into the rest of what has been set up. Also, it kind of undercuts my interest in Ali. If it's the sister that is the key to solving things, then why should I care about Ali at all?
ReplyDeletePerhaps you could use that last line to establish the consequences instead? Ali has to solve three impossible riddles or her town will never be free, everyone dies, the sun will never rise again...whatever will happen, that is what I want to know here.
I agree. You had me until the baby sister bit. Instead use that last line to explain the obstacles to her solving those riddles. I wouldn't call them "impossible" riddles if she is in fact going to solve them in the story.
ReplyDeleteThe most specific element--three impossible riddles before sunrise--gives me an interesting sense of the story and its fairy tale roots. The other parts need to be tied closer to the challenge. For example, did Marisi's desire for adventure conjure the bad witch? If she doesn't solve the riddles, what will happen? If the baby sister is truly the key, why isn't she mentioned earlier? Should she be the main character? Add more details and this pitch will stand out! Good luck--
ReplyDeleteThis is pretty effective overall, but I also agree that the last line isn't working. I don't understand why it begins with the word 'But' -- her baby sister being the key to the riddles certainly doesn't seem to be an additional conflict; rather, it seems to be an asset she can use to accomplish the goal. I think you could probably just cut that last sentence.
ReplyDeleteThen, because you have room to add additional details, perhaps you could include a little something about Marisi herself to personalize this more. (For instance, you could mention her age or grade in school and something that characterizes her -- i.e., maybe she's a bookish dreamer or a tree-climbing tomboy, or perhaps she's bored because her little sister's too young to play with her, etc..) I see a bit of a parallel here with Labyrinth, which is one of my all-time favorite films, and of course there's nothing wrong with that, but it's always a good idea to include enough specific details -- in both loglines and queries -- to really highlight what makes your story unique.
I'm intrigued, but confused. "She got it when a witch kidnapped her parents..." As it reads, it seems as though the "adventure" is the kidnapping.
ReplyDeleteAlso, how was her home "taken over"? Is she homeless? I'm sure we will learn this when we read the story, but I couldn't grasp the concept in your logline.
The "three riddles" part sounds interesting and fun. Good luck!
Pretty cool idea. My question is how did the witch take over the house and is the MC prisoner? Where is the witch keeping the parents?
ReplyDeleteI like this! It reads well and gives a strong sense of what is at stake. I have to agree with the others, though, that the last line doesn't work. I'm all for finding out how the MC manages to solve this challenge, but my enthusiasm wanes when I read that her baby sister may swoop in to save the day. Feels as though you've given away the ending--an ending that's not all that exciting if the MC isn't solving the problem herself.
ReplyDeleteThis is very intriguing! I really liked it up until the last line. It sounds as though the baby sister might be solving the protagonist's problem (which I'm sure is not the case in the actual story--but that's how it sounds).
ReplyDeleteThis is really intriguing and I liked it overall but there were two parts that gave me pause (like other's have said), the baby sister bit, I think with a little rewording though it would be fine. The thing that really made me have to stop and think was the bit about the witch taking over their home because I'm not quite sure what that means. Still, this sounds really great and with a few tweaks your logline should be perfect!
ReplyDelete