TITLE: CRISIS AGENT
GENRE: Adult - Urban Fantasy
I let him keep the red Ferrari for an entire week before I blew it sky high.
Of course, I waited until he was in the neighbour’s wife before I detonated, effectively killing two birds with one stone as they call it. At the time of detonation, I stood on an isolated plateau overlooking the gated community that harboured the privileged below.
At my feet, the plateau dropped off abruptly, as if one of the gods had taken an axe to the mountain, shearing off its face. I peered over the edge, judging the drop to the lush mountainside dotted with luxury homes. Across the harbour, Van City shimmered like a high noon heat wave in Death Valley.
A premonitory silence introduced the sun’s competition. A fireball seared upwards, cranking the heat on an already hot August afternoon with a deep, thunder-like boom. The death cloud shot up into the heavens, yellow and orange flames on a rampage for oxygen, licking over each other like lions fighting over scraps.
The shimmer of the blast wave pulsed outwards, made visible by the dust it gathered. The explosion echoed into the rock face beneath my feet and rocketed through my body. As the supersonic shock wave hit me, it slapped me back savagely before ghosting across my face, lingering like a lover’s last caress. Then the blast wind reversed, whipping my long hair forward. I caught a runaway strand, tucked it behind my ear and surveyed my work with pride.
You get what you deserve.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Nice opening and I like the TITLE. Can't wait to see where this goes from here.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your feedback. :)
DeleteI like the idea of the first line, but at the same time it's telling before showing, so I already know what's going to happen. The explosion has no impact because I was expecting it. Even expecting it, I wasn't sure what the "fireball" was. At first I thought we were still taking about the sun. Overall the language is nice but feels overdone. Without knowing who the MC is or anything about him/her, he/she is just someone who blew up a car. Is there a way to ground the MC in the setting before things start exploding?
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Thanks for your feedback. I will definitely be taking a closer look at the fireball paragraph. I thought the reader might be interested in knowing why the MC blew up the car even though it's telling, but I will certainly look at rearranging my first chapter to reflect your comments. :)
DeleteNice first line, and I like the casual tone of the last line, especially after all that drama :) You have a very descriptive style of writing. While it gives a dramatic picture, I'd suggest toning down maybe a bit. Mainly because the language, if overdone, can be distracting
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree. I had to cut 150 some words to make the 250 limit, and so chose a couple crazy words to make up for the trying to set the scene I had to cut. I will keep your feedback in mind as i revise the original version. Thanks for your feedback. :)
DeleteI like the voice, and that would keep me going.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I was thrown by the fireball because is't so removed from the act of detonation, I thought it was something new.
I also don't quite get this line " I waited until he was in the neighbour’s wife" - it sound like he was, you know, inside the wife having sex. But I think they are supposed to be in the car being blown up together due to the next line, but I'm not sure.
Nah, you're right, he was having sex with the n's wife, just not in the car. Thanks for your feedback.
DeleteI like the voice and the action, but to me the chronological sequence is off. You have the explosion happen in the first line. Then you introduce it in paragraph two, then again in paragraph four. I think two times is ok (keep dramatic first line, then describe the sequence in the following paragraphs) but it felt disjointed to me.
ReplyDeleteBut I do love a good revenge story. :)
Thanks for your feedback. :)
DeleteAm I wrong in presuming the victim WAS in the neighbour's wife? That line worked for me. I liked it. A blunt way of putting it, and considering dude blows people up for a living, it works.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that the explosion should happen cohesively. Even from a basic POV stance, you're not going to be thinking about anything other than it when it happens. An argument could be made that MC sees this kind of stuff all the time, but then... I mean, he'd still enjoy the boom. If he's an expert, he views the explosion the way an expert would. Something's twitchy about the MRUs in this segment, but otherwise. Yass.
No, you weren't wrong at all. I meant it literally ;) Thanks for your feedback.
DeleteYou've got a great voice, an awesome opening line, and a clear premise here. I agree with other commenters that some of your sentences are overwritten, so try to rein that in. I also think that you should be careful about the explosion sequence. You might be able to cut your third paragraph (or move it) so the fireball can immediately follow the time of detonation on the page. When you move into a setting description like that, it interrupts the action and I as a reader assumed we were moving on.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise this is great. I would continue reading if it were in my inbox.
Thanks for the entry!
Thank you very much for your feedback! :)
Delete