TITLE: We Both Bleed Red
GENRE: YA - Historical Fiction
NOVEMBER 1, 1941
SANTA ANITA, CALIFORNIA
It was the kind of day I craved. A day in which nothing seemed impossible and the world was mine for the taking. Sitting on the steps of the front porch, I allowed the sweet sounds of Bullocks Orioles to hypnotize me as they flew purposefully between the patch of prairie behind our house and the towering Maples which surround it, constructing nests from fine silks of milkweed.
Resting my head against the railing, I dangled my legs beneath me, claiming the perfect viewing place as I waited. Better than a tree fort, Papa had built the porch a few years back from leftover wood he had collected from the hardware store scrap pile. It was my favorite part of the house and my primary sleeping place on summer nights when Mama would drape cotton sheets from the rafters, transforming it into the mast of a large ship. Lying under a blanket of stars, I sailed the vast ocean waters in search of new lands and faces forgotten by time.
My mind drifted as I sifted through the pages of my sketchpad in search of a clean canvas. Watching the yard with expectant eyes, I squinted against the sun’s rays and listened to the wind as it whispered through the trees, softly calling the tall grasses to bow down before them.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The setting is idyllic, with the description of the porch and the trees, the birds and the wind whispering through the trees. You paint a beautiful scene. But there's no tension, no action. I think you need to add something to ratchet up the action, to make the reader want to read more. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteFrom your title, genre, and the date stamp on this opening I get a sense of the tension that Susan is missing, though perhaps by the end of the page you can introduce a hint of the coming tension. For all your lovely description, I realized I can't tell whether this is a male or female (my guess is male) so add something to make it obvious. If it's a girl, the wind can blow her skirt. If it's a boy, the description of past imaginings on the porch could contain something more obvious.
ReplyDeleteI count 4 uses of "as" to indicate simultaneous action-that's a lot for one page.
Your MC is waiting for someone/thing-maybe give the reader more of an idea what he/she waits for and use that to introduce more tension on this page. My sense is you hoped to set up an idyllic scene before dashing it all to bits with your inciting incident, but foreshadow that more.
I would read on to see where the action is coming in, but I usually give a book more than one page to hook me.
From your title, genre, and the date stamp on this opening I get a sense of the tension that Susan is missing, though perhaps by the end of the page you can introduce a hint of the coming tension. For all your lovely description, I realized I can't tell whether this is a male or female (my guess is male) so add something to make it obvious. If it's a girl, the wind can blow her skirt. If it's a boy, the description of past imaginings on the porch could contain something more obvious.
ReplyDeleteI count 4 uses of "as" to indicate simultaneous action-that's a lot for one page.
Your MC is waiting for someone/thing-maybe give the reader more of an idea what he/she waits for and use that to introduce more tension on this page. My sense is you hoped to set up an idyllic scene before dashing it all to bits with your inciting incident, but foreshadow that more.
I would read on to see where the action is coming in, but I usually give a book more than one page to hook me.
I appreciate your comments and will definitely hint at the upcoming conflict! I was trying to create a peaceful sense of innocence in a Japanese-American girl just before the bombing of Pearl Harbor:)
ReplyDeleteI think this is a beautifully written opening. Your imagery is strong and your tone peaceful.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I must agree with the other commenters that you need to add some more tension, as before reading your comment I had no idea what this story would be about. This is partially due to the nature of this contest--you might have hit on the conflict in the next paragraph, and 250 words is not a lot--but even so I think you need a little something extra. An opening line that immediately creates tension might look something like this: "I was sitting on our front porch when we heard about the bombings." From there you can move right back into what you've written, creating that sense of peace and innocence before shattering it--but this time the reader is ramped up because they know what's coming.
Thanks for your entry!
Thank you for your suggestion! I will certainly implement it!
ReplyDelete