TITLE: Images
GENRE: Adult - Fantasy
Jill had: a husband, a home, and a government job; now she can't remember anything past her junior year in high school -- can she regain her memory to keep the man she loves and to stop a terrorist group from wrecking her town?
As Jill stood near the window to her room, the sunshine warm on her face, a cold chill ran down her spine. She blinked and stared outside.
A man in a maintenance uniform ambled outside, more like a sight-seer than a worker. In addition to his uniform, he wore a Keffiyeh , or turban-like head covering. But, not the traditional, solid white; his sported a green and black pattern.
She backed up as shivers continued to run down her spine. A memory tried to surface, but like so many of the others, it faded before becoming clear. 'Damn it. It's not fair. I'm really trying.'
The maintenance man didn't carry a rake or other outdoor tool, but sauntered along near the edge of the woods. The wooded area covered more than half of the property. But he didn't look into the woods, instead he scrutinized the building. He slowed to check out the windows of each room.
As he approached her window, a black aura formed, surrounding him. His features grew fuzzy and undefined.
Blinking didn't cause the aura to disappear. She'd seen few dark auras and this one looked black. And the man's facial features remained fuzzy and indistinct, even though a pen protruding from his pocket had a clear definition.
She felt in her bones, he searched for someone, searched for her. She stepped back, away from the windows, standing next to the wall behind the drapes, as he came opposite her room.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Your writing seems solid. But both the logline and the first 250 do not do justice to your story. The logline is too generic Jason Bourne without telling us what makes Jill equipped to handle a terrorist organisation or why she is the one to tackle them in the first place. The first 250 is solid but unspectacular. I usually read on more because 250 is too less to make an impression but aside from the black aura not fading, I didn't find anything to really latch on too. I hope this helps!
ReplyDeleteFirst, I don't normally critique loglines, but I stumbled on this one because there's nothing in it that says "fantasy." It reads like it belongs to a political thriller. Some hint of the fantasy element would help.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest, I think you might be starting too late in the story. I know, normally it's the opposite, but this could use more breathing room. I'd like to get to know Jill while she struggles with this sudden memory loss, trying to figure out what it means and why it happened, and then (maybe at the end of the first chapter) introduce the added complication of seeing a man who triggers her "up to no good" reflex and has a freaky aura.
The Hunger Games is a good model for a story that has a lot of elements to introduce. It has tension in the first paragraph (what is the Reaping?) but then spends the first chapter letting us get to know Katniss and her normal-for-her, unusual-for-us situation. It isn't until the last paragraph of the first chapter that her sister is chosen for the games. If the book had started with the Reaping, without letting us get to know Katniss and start to sympathize with her, that moment wouldn't have had as much impact.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
I agree with Abbe. When you have your genre as fantasy, you have to include what makes it fantasy in the logline.
ReplyDeleteAgain, I agree with Abbe. How exactly did Jill lose her memories? Right before might give too much away but starting the story with her realizing she can't remember anything past her junior year of high school might be a better place to start the story. Just a thought!
I like the logline (with all that intrigue), but like the others, would like a heads-up on the fantasy element.
ReplyDeleteLike Abbe and Nicole, I also think this reads more a later chapter in the story, especially with the 'It's not fair...trying' in there.
I really like the contrast between the sunlight and the cold shivers in the opening line. It sets the tone very well.