TITLE: Game of Art
GENRE: Adult - Psychological Suspense
Soviet defector returns to Russia to reclaim her late uncle’s stolen paintings only to discover someone orchestrated her every move. Now she risks joining her uncle unless she can figure out who is puppeteering the scheme and why.
White Christmas lights trailed up the black steps leading to the stage. I wondered what my uncle would have thought of tonight’s performance. My form of art was very different from his. He would not have approved of many of the ways I showcased my talents, but I know he would have been proud of my show tonight. For him, it would have been a homecoming. As soon as I hit my mark, a soft glow illuminated me from overhead.
Show time.
A laser beam followed my finger as I drew a basic outline of the Kremlin. Before the appreciative coos of the audience died, I wiped the air clean and started the drawing of a scrawny, goat-horned creature bent over making a grasping motion. I allowed my metaphor of Lenin suspend in the air before wiping it out. Repeatedly, I created different images, each one representing stages of Russia over the past hundred years, using a system of computerized graphics. Stalin, gulags, the ravages of the Great Patriotic War, the Cold War, the space program, and glasnost.
This was not my usual show. I didn’t blather endlessly like a ditz, nor did I sell them on my sexuality before showing what I could do artistically. I feared restlessness in the audience, but I could hear none of the telltale signs of shifting in their seats, sighing, or even yawning. Maybe the lit up images mesmerized them. Maybe it was because of the sudden fascination with Russia after the fall of communism. Maybe I underestimated my audience.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I loved this excerpt. What a unique scene to start the book. I'd love to be a part of this audience. My only critique is with the logline: I'm not sure what 'joining her uncle' means (we're told he's dead, but does it mean join him in death, or join him in the way he was murdered?) and I'm also not sure at what point her moves were being orchestrated (her journey to Russia or sometime before then too?). Other than that, I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteStory start- "White Christmas lights trailed up the black steps leading to the stage. I wondered what my uncle would have thought of tonight’s performance. My form of art was very different from his. He would not have approved of many of the ways I showcased my talents, but I know he would have been proud of my show tonight. For him, it would have been a homecoming. As soon as I hit my mark, a soft glow illuminated me from overhead."
ReplyDeleteThis I think all needs to go later. It is backstory and not where your action begins. I would start with "Show time" and then let me feel, see and experience what it is like to be in that audience. I love the idea of this show. Exciting!
Also I am unsure what is happening in the audience. You say, " feared restlessness in the audience, but I could hear none of the telltale signs of shifting in their seats, sighing, or even yawning. Maybe the lit up images mesmerized them. Maybe it was because of the sudden fascination with Russia after the fall of communism. Maybe I underestimated my audience"
But what is it she fears? you say restlessness. But what about the audience suggests that? You don't actually say/ And why is this a problem? In what way has the audience been underestimated? I'm a bit confused by that sentence.
I am hooked by the uniqueness of this performance, but I quickly want to know what could be at stake here for your main character.
Btw- I have read this a few times over. Is your main character male of female? I'm guessing female because of the line about selling the audience on sexuality (which may or may not be female sexuality). But do you see what I mean? From your actual text (not the longline) I don't actually know. Maybe that isn't important. Just thought I'd point it out.
Logline: Great premise. Seems like a big story, lots in it. But I am confused about where you say "joining her uncle". Joining her uncle in what? Or where? I am assuming he is dead since you say 'late uncle' but do you mean that you character now risks being killed? It just wasn't clear to me. Maybe it would be to others.
Loved the idea. Would def like to read more. Well done.
I love the logline. The premise of this story is great, and I'm ready to read more. It is a unique opening, I like the information that is given regarding Russia's history, but I have a hard time understanding who the character is so I don't connect right away. From your last paragraph, it seems more of those details might be coming. Giving the reader a bit of emotion when describing the uncle in the opening (How does this character feel toward him? We get how he feels toward her art, but not the reverse) might help. Overall, a good start.
ReplyDelete