TITLE: Painting Kuwait Violet
GENRE: Adult - Women's Fiction (suspense)
Violet, travels to Kuwait to work as a maid and finds she must escape her employer, as the maids are being hunted one by one.
March 1996
In the sweltering heat of the Kuwaiti desert, she ran, slipping in the shifting sand. Despite the late evening hour, it would take hours before the hot dunes would cool, and boy could she feel it. Her cracked soles were burning, but she couldn’t stop. In her haste to get away from him, she left her slippers behind. He had come out of nowhere and after the last time, she just had to escape. The man was a bastard. The chalet seemed like a distant mirage now, its shadows receding and she knew it was not due to the gaping wound in her scalp, oozing across her forehead. Panting, she pushed herself, trying to keep her voice and wits to herself.
She lumbered on, trying to find a dirt road, a path, a vehicle, a savior. Someone. Anyone. Willing herself onward, she tried to pick up the pace. A dull ache settled in her belly, what of her baby? Yet she hurried in the sand, fumbling towards the next light, the other chalet, sitting in the middle of the desert like an oasis. Thank heavens, at last.
Would they help her? She had to take that chance. One last time she thought to check if she was being followed, when a clean swing knocked her out. He checked her pulse, rock steady, strong. So he swung again. Again. Again. And again, till it disappeared. He stood up straight and looked back at the chalet, then glanced at the one in front, the one she could have escaped to. So close to being caught, he thought. So very close.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Interesting concept and exotic locale, but I was a little confused by the sudden change in viewpoint from 3rd person told in the eye of the woman to 3rd person told through the unidentified man who kills her.
ReplyDeleteInteresting concept and exotic locale, but I was a little confused by the sudden change in viewpoint from 3rd person told in the eye of the woman to 3rd person told through the unidentified man who kills her.
ReplyDeleteThe shift in POV threw me for a loop as well.
ReplyDeleteThe shift in POV threw me for a loop as well.
ReplyDeleteThe shift of POV, as said above threw me, but overall I liked the location. I just wish there were a different transition
ReplyDeleteThe shift of POV, as said above threw me, but overall I liked the location. I just wish there were a different transition
ReplyDeleteThis has a great opening few sentences. Straight to the action. Love that.
ReplyDeleteThis part (I think) either needs to go later or be cut.
"In her haste to get away from him, she left her slippers behind. He had come out of nowhere and after the last time, she just had to escape. The man was a bastard"
This isn't necessary and slows down the action. And I'd prefer to see for myself that the man is a bastard (though I have no doubt if she's running from him) then be told flat out that he is. Let your writing 'show' as much as possible. And in this opening you are doing this without needing to 'tell' me he is a bastard. Hope that makes sense.
POV- okay, so I was confused. We seeing the story from 3rd person through the woman running, then we shift to the man?? If the woman is knocked out then she can't know what happens next so...? I know this is why you shifted POV but I think you need to stay consistent. Pick a POV that is going to tell the story the best. This is usually the main character and the character who has most to loss and gain. The character we care about. If you do have multiple POV's they are usually separated by chapter or in some way that makes it clear we are now seeing the story through someone else's eyes and not just a switch part was through a paragraph. Switching POV part way through scenes and paragraphs leads to head hopping which is confusing for the reader.
Also, I'm always a little wary of books that kill off the POV character within the first page. We are just starting to root for this girl and then... she's dead. Then the reader is left with the man who killed her and... well, as a reader who am I supposed to care about now? What I'm saying is that you have killed the character that had me hooked and then as a reader I need a reason to read on. I need to know whose story this is. And I'm confused at this point. This obviously isn't the story of the girl who just got killed. So who am I following as a reader? Just food for thought.
Otherwise I love the story idea. The location is excellent. Keep going!
I think the voice is a bit flip for someone running for their life - the "and boy could she feel it" - sounds out of place. Then I was confused. She's dead? What happened? If she doesn't even make it through the first page, then she shouldn't be a POV character.
ReplyDeleteI also like the concept and think you're off to a good tense start.
ReplyDeleteIf this is a prologue, I don't have any problem with the first POV character being killed off. I've read lots of good suspense novels which do this quite well, and like experimenting with it myself.
The shift to the killer's POV did throw me out, so I think it needs a transition, at least.
I liked the voice, but agree that the part about '..boy could she feel it...' seems out of place.
I'm also not sure about the baby aspect. Is it relevant to the rest of the story?
I would definitely read further. I want to know what's going on and if Violet would survive the same.
I would leave out the sentence "in her haste" but keep "the man was a bastard." It packs more punch.
ReplyDeleteAgree that "boy could she feel it" was awkward and broke the spell of reading.
And I don't get "until it disappeared" - does that mean he beat the woman to a pulp and she disappeared?
Seems like a promising premise, but just needs polish.