TITLE: Dreammare
GENRE: YA Fantasy
I wasn’t afraid of nightmares, because the real nightmares were people. Folks like Will’s father or my old neighbor or the person who cut Paige’s face. But this nightmare looked real, like they all do.
Every line of her body was solid, down to the unusually deep curve between her jutting ribcage and her scrawny hips. When she moved up my bed, her bones cracked, and when I moved back against my headboard, she crawled halfway up my torso. Nose-to-nose, she smelled like rain, and water dripped off her hair onto my sternum. This woman had horns. Three horns as black as night and as difficult to decipher from the shadows as her inky, stringy hair.
I told myself what I always told myself, what my mother told me, what my doctor promised me, what my father used to say.
She was not real.
But she grinned when our eyes met, and I couldn’t help it. I screamed.
My mother burst into my bedroom on cue, as if she’d been anticipating another one of my midnight episodes, and as much as I wanted to tell her that I was fine now—that I understood my diagnosis—I secretly loved what happened every time she came. The hypnopompic hallucination disappeared, a side effect of my narcolepsy. A reoccurring, paralyzing side effect. They happened between sleep and wakefulness, and lasted anywhere from a few seconds to a minute.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This was so creepy and I really loved your description, it painted such a vivid picture that made me want to scream too. The last few lines felt a little jarring to me though. I think with a bit of rewording, it would flow smoother.
ReplyDeleteMaybe something like this: 'My mother burst into my bedroom on cue, as if she’d been anticipating another one of my midnight episodes. As much as I wanted to tell her that I was fine now—that I understood my diagnosis—I secretly loved that every time she came, the hypnopompic hallucinations disappeared. They were a paralyzing side effect of my narcolepsy that happened between sleep and wakefulness, and lasted anywhere from a few seconds to a minute.'
I would keep reading!
Ooh...this is interesting! I like the setup and it immediately draws me into the MC. My only small suggestion is to get a better first line. It's good but conveys more grit instead of bravado, which is what I think you were going for. Hope this helps. Good Luck!!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the changing of the first line. This whole piece is great though. My only suggestion is that your genre doesn't quite tell the story. Perhaps Dark Fantasy? Horror?
ReplyDeleteSounds pretty darn creepy. Yeesh.
I like the repetition in your writing--it works! For example, I liked this one: Folks like Will’s father or my old neighbor or the person who cut Paige’s face. But this nightmare looked real, like they all do.
ReplyDeleteWhat else? I also liked the main character's admission of guilt (I secretly loved every time she came). However, the last paragraph went too quickly and was a bit confusing. I say, tighten it up. You've got a good story brewing.
I wouldn't repeat the word "nightmares" twice in the first sentence - find a different way to word that. I also would be careful starting your novel with a dream/nightmare sequence - it's done so often that it has to be handled expertly for an agent to want to read on. Consider cutting the first paragraph. I would be much more intrigued if this started with "Every line of her body was solid"
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued that you talk about nightmares but then you seem to refer to them as people - and that the thing in the main characters bed seems real, I'd want to know more about who these characters are and if different ones visit her every night.
I'm missing some description of your main character - right now I'm just assuming it's a "she" but by the time I get to the end I'm not sure and maybe it is a "he"? Drop us a line here and let us know something more about your main character
You have some really nice sentences here like "Nose-to-nose, she smelled like rain, and water dripped off her hair onto my sternum." All in all the writing is really solid and I'm curious to read on. Just lose the first paragraph.
Thanks for entering!