TITLE: Dolsa Bones And The Witch Who Stole Laughter
GENRE: MG Fantasy
Welcome, welcome, Curious One, you are in for a serious delight. And the price – oh, yes, there is a price – it is not too high. No. The price is time. Just a bit of yours. Not too much to ask, is it?
This tale in which you’ve turned begins in the oddest of ways. It begins with blue boots. Magical blue boots and a quest. Oh, yes, there has to be a quest.
Dolsa Bones was the most extraordinary of ordinary little girls. She would have to be, wouldn’t she? An ordinary, ordinary girl would never do. Never do indeed. But Dolsa Bones, she had that special ‘zing’. Something no amount of dirt or rags or limp could hide. Not from me.
I can smell better than I see, and I see better than you. And my hearing, well let’s just say that if I told you how well I could hear, well then, you might stop reading, and that would be most unfortunate, so please, stay with me.
I did ask nicely.
Where was I?
Oh, yes, Dolsa Bones. What a slight thing she was. All of eleven but didn’t look it. She was short, all bones and skin, with long, black braids down to her knees. She was as white as her father’s ghost, that is when she was clean, which wasn’t very often. She’s poor, you see. Thin and dirty, and oh, so, so hungry.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I very much like the voice of the narrator. Bravo. Well done.
ReplyDelete"But Dolsa Bones, she had that special ‘zing’. Something no amount of dirt or rags or limp could hide. Not from me."
I'm wondering now if Dolsa did try to hide in rags, or if perhaps she was poor and rags were all she had. Can you be more concrete here? Was she actually in rags or is this just a random comment?
"I can smell better than I see, and I see better than you. And my hearing, well let’s just say that if I told you how well I could hear, well then, you might stop reading, and that would be most unfortunate, so please, stay with me."
I like how sinister this is and how it continues the opening, which makes me an active character in the tale's telling. This is very nit-picky, but could you be more specific here as well? Wouldn't it be more chilling to say that I knew how well you could hear I'd breathe more softly and take better care when reading this at night?
"She was as white as her father’s ghost,"
I love that line. Your style reminds me of Neil Gaiman.
"...that is when she was clean, which wasn’t very often. She’s poor, you see. Thin and dirty, and oh, so, so hungry."
For me, the end was the weakest part. I see now that she really was in rags. Had that been clearer earlier, you wouldn't have to reiterate it now.
But yes, I'm hooked.
This is fun! It's has a very fairy tale-like feel. I agree with the last paragraph being weaker than the rest. It doesn't flow as easily as the others. But it's very fun and I would just keep reading anyway.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this! I agree with the comments above, but I would still keep reading. The wonderful voice is more like dialogue than narration - I feel like the narrator is standing right in front of me, speaking directly to me - wonderfully fun. It made me smile and want more!
ReplyDeleteI like this so much. I'm very intrigued with the narrator and I immediately pictured Johnny Depp and an old timey circus tent. It's sinister and dark, which I think MG needs more of. My one critique is the tense change in the last paragraph. The narrator speaks in the present but talks about the girl in the past and then mentions that's she is poor. Should that be she *was* poor?
ReplyDeleteI'd most certainly read on.
I, too, am intrigued by the uniqueness of the narrative voice. This is sounds very original and I found it appealing. I do wonder,though, if the strength of this voice will eventually overpower Dulsa Bones' story. Or maybe we are being led so skillfully into the story and the narrative voice will carry us along. I would definitely read more to find out. A.Wells
ReplyDeleteYes, your voice is great! It almost feels Lemony Snicket-esque to me. I loved the comment about Johnny Depp and an old circus tent! That's exactly what this sounds like. I'm super intrigued and would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI had mixed feelings about this one. One the one hand, I liked your narrator’s voice. I could imagine an old crone or a witch telling me this story, and I thought it could work nicely in a MG story.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I thought she rambled a bit, and I wanted her to get on with the story. After 250 words, the story hasn’t yet started. My first thought after reading this was where are the magical blue boots and what is the quest. The narrator tells us the story begins with the boots and a quest, but structurally, it begins with a narrator, and storywise, it begins with an extraordinary ordinary girl (nice!) who we don’t even get to meet, and it made me wonder if you might be better off without the narrator. (Just a question, not a suggestion, because I’ve only seen a page of this.). Perhaps the solution is to keep the narrator, but keep her a bit more focused on the story, with only occasional asides to the reader?
Oh, and really cool title!
I liked the voice and the entering the gypsy tent from a traveling circus type of feel, but all of the rhetorical questions started to take me out of the story, not draw me in. And I would drop the bit about asking the reader to stay with the narrator while he/she monologues. Just get into it earlier and readers will stay without having to implore them directly.
ReplyDeleteI love this title!
ReplyDeleteI'm less sure about the preface. I would consider cutting it and starting with "Dolsa Bones was the most extraordinary of ordinary little girls."
Even though I love the blue boots (!!!) I think that the preface is distracting and I'd rather go straight into the story. Let the story tell itself.
I'm also a bit unsure about all your asides - even though I see what you're doing in trying to create a voice, I think your text is stronger without it, though I am willing to read on to see what happens, it may grow on me, but for example:
"Dolsa Bones was the most extraordinary of ordinary little girls. She had that special 'zing' - something no amount of dirt or rags or a limp could hide. Not from me."
And then again, skip the next paragraph and go straight to:
"Dolsa Bones was a slight thing. All of eleven but didn’t look it. She was short, all bones and skin, with long, black braids down to her knees. She was as white as her father’s ghost, that is when she was clean, which wasn’t very often. She was poor, thin and dirty, and so, so hungry."
I kind of think it's stronger without the narrative asides, but it would depend on what happens as we read on.
I'm definitely intrigued and I want to see more!
Thanks for entering!