TITLE: Mr. Grumbles
GENRE: MG Fiction
One overcast, night in Miami, Florida, a small car stopped, for a moment, in front of a yellow house. A black cotton bag landed on the driveway, and big yellow eyes from inside watched the car as it drove away into the night.
“Wait! Come back!! Don’t leave me here!!!” a kitten cried.
The kitten, with shiny black fur, peered up the driveway. His fur was scattered: with white hairs. A blaze of about twenty heaths under his neck. He had a black nose and big yellow eyes.
“Hello... Is anyone here?”
Clouds moved in, winds picked up, and rain started to fall. However, the kitten looked for a dry place. He scurried up the driveway, and dashed under a tan car, just as the sky opened up with a gush of heavy rain. There, feeling safer, he curled up in a tiny ball, and watched the rain fall.
“Why did they leave me here? What did I do? Mommy...
I want my mommy. Why did she let them take me away? He wondered. Mommy...”
Slowly the kitten’s eyes became heavy, and he fell asleep.
The next morning the kitten woke, to the sound of birds singing. He came out from under the car, and looked around, and his stomach started to growl. Two brown, anole lizards were sunbathing. He hunched his stomach down low to the ground and pounced! The kitten caught one of them by its tail under his paws.
Miss Snark's First Victim
First off, I love your title.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need the comma after overcast. "For a moment" could be streamlined into "briefly" or just cut all together since the car leaves almost immediately after.
I'm not sure if you you need Florida following Miami. The multiple !!! are distracting - ! will get your point across just fine :)
You're missing a " after "Why did she let them take me away?
I don't think you need a comma after "the kitten woke".
I love books with animal MCs, especially cats :)
Thank you for your notes. His real name isGuy Noir after a character from A Prairie Home Companion. LOL! There is two Miami's :0).
DeleteI am really a filmmaker. This children's chapter book started out as animation script. I have had a few people look over the text. New eyes always catch something. :0) Thank you!
I agree with everything JD87 said, although I think the missing quote is not actually missing, but that the sentence continued on the next line? I would also say "the kitten cried," not a kitten cried since there is only one kitten involved anyway. It seems like a cute story. I enjoyed it is from the kitten's perspective.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your notes.
DeleteHmm... Well, I really miss the kind of details that makes this a kitten's perspective. The story feels very human without much kitten. Telling without showing. I'm not sure the kitten would call after the car because I'm not sure he'd realize he was being dumped until he was alone. And what does being alone mean to him? He misses his mother's tongue washing him? (Kittens are born with incomplete digestive systems - their tummies need to be rubbed by their mother's to digest food. Humans have to do this if they're fostering kittens) Kittens tend to "pig pile" - does this kitten miss his siblings when all he has is a tire to curl up next to? What does it smell like compared to the other kittens and mom? I want to feel all of this (and more) so I know what abandonment feels like to this kitten.
ReplyDeleteOther technical things. Miami is probably enough - don't need Florida. I don't know what a blaze of "about twenty heaths" means.
You can combine the two sentences with his physical description. "The kitten, with shiny black fur, peered up the driveway. His fur was scattered: with white hairs." You can just say something simpler like - The kitten peered up the driveway. His shiny black fur was scattered with white hairs. No colon.
Hunting takes a lot of training. Most young predators have no real idea what they're doing. If he's a capable hunter it makes him feel a little bit older than I thought, and perhaps no one has been feeding him because mom taught him how to hunt?
Abandoned animals are such a tough reality. Get inside this animal's head - and heart - and I think you'll have a winner.
Thank you for your notes.
DeleteI agree with JD87 and HopefulAuthor on their critiques. But even with the errors, the story made me cry. I cannot stand the thought of anyone tossing away a kitten!
ReplyDeleteThat said, I think you could make me feel even worse, if you drew out the beginning, where the cruel, evil, awful, poopy-pants human tossed this small, sweet, helpless, defenseless, living creature into the dark and dangerous unknown. I have often tried to write a story beginning similar this, but my cat-loving heart could not take it.
"One overcast night in Miami, a small car stopped in front of a yellow house. The house was dark and quiet; there were no lights on either inside or out, and everything and everyone looked like they had been tucked in for the night. The car idled quietly as the driver took in the scene. In an instant, the driver rolled down his window and tossed a black cotton bag on the driveway. Then he hit the gas and sped away, leaving the bag rolling and writhing in the loose gravel.
The writhing turned to wriggling, and a little black nose peeked out from the drawstring opening of the bag. Soon, white whiskers and little yellow eyes followed. The eyes opened wide in fear as they watched the taillights of the car speeding away. "Don't leave me here," a little voice cried, "I'm scared. I want my mommy!"
The eyes grew wet with tears as the little creature realized what had happened. He struggled some more with the bag. A furry black head popped out, and the lonely kitten cried into the dark night. "
Sorry for the poor example, but I think you should draw it out and make us cry (more). Show us how despicable the act of dumping innocent animals really is, how the poor babies suffer and are terrorized when disposed of in this cruel, inhumane way. After the kitten comes to terms with his new surrounding some, we can bring out some of his cute kitten ways, such as pouncing on the lizard.
Now I'm hugging Atticus, my newest cat, who was dumped in our yard earlier this year, wishing I could know your story had a happy ending. I know it has to, but it still stresses me that I don't know for sure! I also like your title. I originally thought Mr. Grumbles was going to be the cat, but now I'm betting it's the grumpy owner of the yellow house, who falls for the little kitten in spite of himself. Keep writing, and keep loving kitties! =^..^=
Thank you for your notes.
DeleteGuy Noir AKA Mr. Gumbles... Is a very happy full grown cat. I am trying to get the book publish, so I can do kitten and cat adoption events when possible at book readings.
I agree with the comments about dragging this out a bit more and making it worse, as well as giving us more of the cat's perspective, and less of the human's.
ReplyDeleteAnd my thought as to where the story is going is the same as DJ's. Mr.Grumbles will be the one to grudgingly take the cat in and come to love him. If it is, I wonder if it's chapter book material rather than MG.
Thank you for your notes. It is a children's chapter book.
DeleteI agree with a previous comment that the tone and style of this feel much younger than Middle Grade material. I also agree that reading about an abandoned animal is very tough for a lot of people, so there definitely needs to be some personality and details built in there that draw us in, rather than make us want to close the book and put it back on the shelf. People before me have provided some great examples, so I won't add another one into the mix :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with a previous comment that the tone and style of this feel much younger than Middle Grade material. I also agree that reading about an abandoned animal is very tough for a lot of people, so there definitely needs to be some personality and details built in there that draw us in, rather than make us want to close the book and put it back on the shelf. People before me have provided some great examples, so I won't add another one into the mix :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your notes.
DeleteI agree with Nina's comments. You could do a lot more with it, and there is already a lot of potential with your premise. Makes for a heartwarming read.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the writing itself needs to be polished. There are couple of unnecessary commas. The ones that stood out immediately was the one after 'overcast' and the two commas between 'for a moment'.
It might be even more effective if the kitten could barely walk yet and missed the lizard instead of catching it.
There are too many commas in the first sentence and in general I would check your punctuation throughout.
ReplyDeleteI'm unsure about "from inside" - from inside the house or from inside the car?
Similarly "His fur was scattered:" - you don't need a colon here.
What is a "blaze of about twenty heaths"?
I'm not necessarily the biggest fan of stories told from the perspective of animals, so I'm not sure I'd read on. The beginning of the novel sounded like a kind of mystery and that intrigued me - I'd be curious to follow the plot line if it goes in that direction.
Thanks for entering!