TITLE: Shear Luck
GENRE: Adult Romance
The mussed section of the gentleman’s careful comb-over is positively heartbreaking. Only a churl could refuse assistance. I use a subtle hand signal to indicate the problem. He gets it. Hair is smoothed; crisis averted.
His cane is jutting out in the aisle and hits my sandal. The cane slides to the floor.
“Allow me.” I retrieve it, then place his rolling suitcase in the overhead bin for good measure.
“Thank you, erm, miss.” His squint seems mistrustful, although I use the utmost care.
I hope I didn’t insult his manhood. He must be as old as my Grandpa Kimball. It’s only right for the able-bodied to lend a hand. “You’re welcome.”
On the way to my seat, I stow luggage for an over-processed permanent wave, a shaggy mullet, and a bowl cut. Is this flight going to Florida or 1982?
The thanks I receive may be lukewarm, but the universe repays me by placing the most gorgeous hair I have ever seen outside Fresno’s Sixth Annual Wig Convention in my row. A luscious black curtain that falls to his waist. Now that’s what I call serendipity.
Might he be headed to the HairStravaganza too? I never tire of talking shop, but it’ll have to wait until I resolve the more pressing matter of my missing business partner.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm prefacing this by saying I don't read romance often, and I'm not keen on present tense, but I love this. I adore that the MC thinks in hair. And the last paragraph was just as fun.
ReplyDeleteMy only nit would be "The thanks I receive may be lukewarm" was too removed from the comb-over, so maybe it should be 'received'.
Clever title. I agree with HR Sinclair that the MC thinking of people in terms of hair is different and fun and certainly puts a smile on my face as I'm reading.
ReplyDeleteI love the opening para re the comb-over, but the next para "His cane is jutting out in the aisle and hits my sandal. The cane slides to the floor." doesn't work for me after such a great opening. Too meh. I love how she's helping everyone stow away their luggage (you could hint at more of a knock-on effect there), and I think you should focus on that and dump the cane part.
Excellent description - "On the way to my seat, I stow luggage for an over-processed permanent wave, a shaggy mullet, and a bowl cut."
But "Might he be headed to the ..." sounds too clunky and formal.
My interest is stirred by the missing business partner, and I would love to read more of the story.
I found the story interesting, and the first two lines are sharp, but I did have to re-read them to understand.
ReplyDeleteI loved this part:
On the way to my seat, I stow luggage for an over-processed permanent wave, a shaggy mullet, and a bowl cut. Is this flight going to Florida or 1982?
Lines like that show me who the character is. You're showing, not telling. I like that. Do more of that! Also, keep her voice, I like it.
Love the title and the voice! Very fitting. The last line has me hooked. I loved the 1982 question. The might he be doesn't fit with your tone, but that's my only nit pick.
ReplyDeleteRight away I'm not sure what you mean by "mussed section" - clearly it's his hair, but something about it made me think of the section of a department store or pharmacy. Also, if his hair is in a "careful comb-over" - how can it also be mussed?
ReplyDeleteI'm also confused by "only a churl could refuse assistance" - assistance from whom? And why did you choose the word churl?
I'm confused already and I'm only on the second line. Perhaps re-consider some of the word choices here? I'm also confused as to why the main character cares? "Crisis averted" - what would have been the potential crisis?
By the third line I realize we are on a plan and the main character might be a stewardess, except she's wearing sandals, and I thought she was a hairdresser from the first paragraph.
Then the main character continues to stow more luggage, so I still think she might be a stewardess, but by the end of this sample it seems like she isn't. By the time I get to the end though, I am intrigued to see what the "HairStravaganza" might be! So I'd likely read on.
Thanks for entering!
I love how quirky the MC seems, especially in regards to hair. I started to feel lost on the "The thanks I receive may be lukewarm" sentence. I almost feel like it could be fine just by jumping right into "But the universe places the most gorgeous hair I have ever seen outside Fresno’s Sixth Annual Wig Convention in my row." (Or something along those lines.)
ReplyDelete~SAT