TITLE: The Quicksilver Conspiracy
GENRE: Adult Fantasy
Cerelian's 5-year-old daughter Tassali disappeared while she was in the middle of fixing her lunch. Cerelian has been searching for Tassali in a panic when the little girl suddenly reappears.
"Mam, mam! Did you see it?"
Cerelian let out shuddery breath. "Why are you running around?" she said. "Go sit at the table. It's lunch time."
The little girl threw her arms around her mother's waist and gazed upwards with desperate eyes. "Can I keep it? Please oh please oh please!"
Cerelian pried her daughter's arms from her waist and crouched down so she was eye level with the little girl. "Tassali, I told you. No going invisible in the castle."
"I didn't." The little girl's blonde curls quivered with excitement. "Can I keep it?"
"Why didn't I see you, then?"
"Please?"
"Tassali Arianna, I asked you a question."
"I wasn't invisible," the little girl said, her eyes gleaming. "I was playing with the baby wolf." She tipped her head to the side and smiled charmingly. "I want to keep it."
"Wolves don't make good pets."
"What if he was a baby?"
"Little wolves grow up to be big wolves."
"He'd be very nice. I know he would. He wouldn't even bite."
She wouldn't count on that. Cerelian glanced back at the shadowy corner of the kitchen where Tassali had appeared. A wolf? In the kitchen? Maybe she should ring for the steward after all. "It looks like your pup has disappeared," she said, hoping that was really the case. "He probably went to find his mam." She took Tassali's hand and led her back to the counter and her waiting lunch.
This is certainly fantasy dialog, and it does propel the story forward.
ReplyDeleteAs for realism, the mothers I know what say something scolding after being in a panic, especially if the child disobeyed a rule. Also, underlines aren't used nowadays, so the Please would be in italics.
Since we already know she is a little girl, you could write, "The blonde curls quivered . . . ."
Overall, this is good dialog.
You have nice pacing, and it is unique and moves the story along. The last line the little girl says strikes me as a little older than 5? But this is a very good excerpt. Good job!
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ReplyDeleteI like the rapid little bits from the girl, but I wonder why the narrative so seldom refers to her by name. Why is she 'the little girl'?
It makes me feel that you want the reader kept distant.
And 'crouched down so she was eye level' could be 'crouched down to be eye level'
Adorable! I love the mom-daughter interplay. Believable and charming.
ReplyDeleteHe'd be very nice. I know he would –sounds too mature—maybe, He'd be very nice. I know it.
If the mom were panicked and searching for a long time, mom would be more upset with the daughter. If it's just a minute or two (which can seems like an eternity when someone is missing) she would still say something to ease her own stress. I suggest moving the "Tassali, I told you. No going invisible in the castle" up. It would be the first thing out of her mouth, then telling kiddo to sit and eat.
This dialogue is effortless to read and I really enjoyed reading this excerpt. I have to say, though, that I wanted a stronger sense of relief from the mom after her child's sudden reappearance. I get the since that this sort of thing happens all the time. But if that's not the case, you need to show us how mom feels about having her daughter back.
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