TITLE: August and September
GENRE: YA Contemporary
September just met Wyatt on her first day of school.
The bell rang, and he stood up and put his backpack on.
“AC/DC, huh?” I said, pointing to his shirt.
He lifted up his eyebrows, surprised that I was talking to him. “Yeah, you like them?”
“Do you?”
“Yeah, they’re one of my favorite bands.” He walked towards the door and I followed.
“Oh, really.”
“Yes, really. Why do you say it like that: ‘Oh, really?’”
“Name one of their songs,” I said.
“Back in Black.”
“That just proved to me that you have no idea who they are.” I walked ahead of him.
“What are you talking about?” He jogged to catch up with me. “Back in Black. Probably their most famous song.”
“Exactly. That’s the song that everyone would say if I asked them to name an AC/DC song. Your mom would say that. Heck, your grandma would say that.”
“Ok, then, Thunderstruck.”
“Once again, you prove my point.” I chuckled.
“Fine then, what do you want me to say?”
“I don’t want you to say anything. You’ve said it all.” I stopped at my locker, holding back a smile. I watched him from the corner of my eye while I turned the lock.
I think your dialogue is really nice. It flows well and seems very realistic. I only have a couple of suggestions on the non-dialogue parts: 1.) take out 'up' in the first sentence since it's not really necessary. I think this would make that particular sentence flow better. 2.) Take out 'that' in the 3rd line after surprised. ('that' can be taken out in many instances). Other than that, great job!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Chaz. This is well done. September's personality really shines. Even though she's the new girl, she can hold her own. If she's nervous or scared, she isn't showing it. And the test to see if he really likes the band whose shirt he's wearing is realistic. (My music-obsessed son says things like this about people's band t-shirts all the time.) It also feels like the beginning of an interesting relationship.
ReplyDeleteWell done and good luck!
Agree that dialog is believable. Agree that the "stood up" part needs to be looked at.
ReplyDeleteThe "chuckled" surprised me because I thought she was being more snarky, less playful.
Nice scene overall - good job.
Yup, this is great. Playful and flirty. I agree with cbaz too. I also think that first sentence might read better broken into two.
ReplyDeleteNice dialogue. I like the interesting perspective she has on the band and his shirt.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a little wordy though. For example, you could edit some sentences like this:
- The bell rang, and he put his backpack on.
- “AC/DC, huh?” I pointed to his shirt.
- He lifted his eyebrows. (He wouldn't lift them down and she doesn't know what he is feeling.) "You like them?”
- "They’re one of my favorite bands.”
I followed him toward the door. “Oh, really.”
“Yes, really."
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ReplyDelete