TITLE: The Doppelganges
GENRE: MG Fantasy Contemporary
“Don’t talk to me,” he whispered, his voice urgent. “Didn’t I tell you not to talk to me unless you saw the bracelet? I could have been him!”
“What? You could have been who? Now you are totally nuts. I always knew that brilliant brain of yours would snap someday.”
“I told you to only talk if I was wearing this bracelet,” he said and stuck his arm up in her face.
“Well, you’re wearing it. So talk,” she said. “You know, I got a strike at school today for ditching lunch without a pass to find you in the library.”
“We can’t talk here. He’s in there. Come with me.”
He grabbed Wren by the arm and pulled her a little too roughly around the house and behind a gardening shed.
“Ouch. Cut it out,” she cried and pulled her arm away.
“Sorry. I guess I am losing it.”
“Who’s in there?” she demanded.
“You’re not going to believe me, but here goes.”
He told her a shortened version of the story, leaving out the fact that he didn’t exactly feel like he was himself. It sounded ridiculous and she wasn’t buying it.
“Reed, I am not saying that you are lying, but think about it.”
“Wren, go in the house and you will see a kid who looks just like me, but he won’t be wearing the strap. Then look out the window and you will see me standing here. Then you will know why I am freaking out.”
Nice pace and building intensity. Your two tags 'cried' and 'demanded' might have been stronger if you had used a simple 'said'. There are several places where I think contractions would have sounded more natural. For instance, "Now you are totally nuts." might have been more natural as, "Now you're totally nuts." Overall, nice dialogue.
ReplyDeleteThe first couple of "talks" are necessary, but then it is a tad repetitious with that word. Also, inconsistent with contractions. But I love the story, and how even this short excerpt says so much.
ReplyDeleteThis short excerpt does a good job of showing the tension and the relationship between the two characters.
ReplyDeleteI would recommend, since they are in a tense situation and whispering, to shorten what each of them says in each turn to just a few words as opposed to two or three sentences.
For example:
Don't talk to me!
What? (Might also be'why not?')
You didn't look for the bracelet!
Etc.
I also agree that contractions would help.
You've certainly got the tone, and the sense of immediacy, and I like the twist, but it's not quite 'true' at the start (to me). Perhaps shorter sentences might work better:
ReplyDeleteDon’t talk to me,” he whispered. “Didn’t I tell you? Not unless you saw the bracelet. Remember? I could have been him!”
“What? You could have been who?"
"Him. Me. I told you. I told you the rules."
"You are totally nuts, . I always knew your brilliant brain would snap someday.”
Overall, this is pretty fun and I'm curious what will happen next. My nitpicks:
ReplyDeleteThe "Don't talk to me" sounds off. It's a phrase that usually comes after an argument. Consider "What are you doing? I told you not to talk to me unless …"
I expected him so shush her and tell her to keep her voice down. He's whispering, but I didn't think she was.
I think the tension could be increase by shortening his dialog.
“We can’t talk here. He’s in there. Come with me.”
"Not here." Then just grabbing her and pulling her around back.
I think the "she cried" isn't working either. She said ouch, which make me think she a ticked off.
(You also have to "pulled"s in a row. Maybe she can yank her hand away.)
There needs to be something more after he tells the story to her. For me, it's just too fast for her response. Perhaps adding how he knows she's not buying it would do it.