TITLE: Now and When
GENRE: YA Magical Realism
You can’t get letters from your future self. At least that’s what 17-year-old Haley McKinley thought until she receives one four weeks before graduation. The letter contains seven pieces of advice, but it’s the final one that sends Haley’s life into a tailspin.
The trick is not to panic. Which is kind of hard when the water’s been holding me captive for what seems like minutes. I let my body relax and wait for the undertow to retreat. Finally, just before I think my lungs might burst, the wave spits me out.
I grab the leash attached to my ankle and pull it back, hard. My board bounces against me, and I slide myself onto it, panting. I feel my right temple, pull my hand back. No blood. I gaze at the shoreline. Aside from a couple walking and a few kids playing soccer, it’s pretty empty.
It was my dad’s rule to never surf alone. But since he’s halfway across the country at some sales presentation, I’m not sure his rules really matter. My head’s pounding now. I point my board toward the beach and let the waves carry me in. I don’t like to end a ride on a low note, but this wipeout was bad. The ocean’s way of reminding me it’s still in control.
I’ll let it win this one.
I resist the urge to flop down on the sand the minute I reach land and instead drag my board across the street to the building that will always be Randy’s Surf Shop, even if the sign says otherwise. I run my fingers over the trinkets that line the aisles where I used to wax surfboards while I waited for my dad to close up for the day.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Love the premise. Love the writing. Love that she's a surfer. Love that she has family issues. Love that first line and how we're dropped right into an immediate conflict. Hate that I don't have the entire ms in my hands. Wishing you much success this!
ReplyDeleteThis is damn good! As Lydia said, I love the premise... love the opening... very action/sensory oriented with just enough backstory to get a sense of character.... Great work!
ReplyDeleteThis has a really neat premise, and I love the idea of receiving a note from your future self!
ReplyDeleteI have a few concerns, though. One is the very first line of the pitch - "You can't get letters from your future self." I could be misinterpreting where the worldbuilding is heading, but to me, this line read like time might be more fluid in this world than it is in ours. Like, you can do other things with time, just not get letters. Another way to word it might be something like "People write notes to their past selves all the time. Even so, they never expect to receive one." Or something like that. Then you can lead in to Haley's life going into a tailspin.
My thoughts for the sample page . . .
There's some disconnect. Is she drowning? It kind of seems like she's drowning. But I have no grounding to know for sure. After all, by the end of it, she's trailing her fingers over trinkets and totally fine.
I suggest pulling back a little more and letting us see how she gets into this position. Or, if the near drowning isn't important, just skip it all together. Right now (and this might be disproven later in the text), it seems like an effort to "start with action." I like starting with a change better. Starting in the middle of a life-and-death situation like this is confusing, and it hasn't earned the level of empathy you want from the reader when the character is about to die. Human empathy for another life, yes. But personal empathy because we've fallen in love with the character? Not yet.
I love the premise, and I'd read more! But please, for parents everywhere, tell us she'd consider her father's rules important after almost drowning : (
ReplyDeleteIs this first scene related to the logline? If so, you might make it more clear through foreshadowing. What time of day is this and is it on a weekend? Most surfing spots I'm familiar with in CA usually have more than one surfer riding the waves, so it seems strange she would be the only one out there.
ReplyDeleteThe last part is confusing since you previously mentioned that her father is out of the area, but then you say she's waiting for her dad. Also, you might change "drag" to another word since I immediately thought the surfboard touched the ground.
I would read on. Anonymous (Sherry S.)
Love the oremise, love the voice. Feels authentic, likr the author knows surfing. No criticism here!
ReplyDeleteLove your pitch. I would think about adding an adding an adjective to describe Haley, for example, "17-year-old surfer Haley".
ReplyDeleteYour opening paras are solid, but I would remove "I’ll let it win this one." It felt clunky.
I love "I don’t like to end a ride on a low note, but this wipeout was bad. "
All the best for Tuesday
Great premise and except. The only thing that confused me is she says her dad is halfway across the country, and then she waiting for him to close up shop.
ReplyDeleteWhen she says his rule don't really matter, it threw me a bit. She almost drowned. I expected something more along the lines of, "he may have a point."
Great premise, and I definitely assume this is going to have magical/ fantasy elements if time travel is involved. So then I'm wondering if it's just time that might be different in this world, or other aspects as well. Just wonderings as I read....
ReplyDeleteI love that she's a surfer, I love that she'd independent enough to break some rules, and I also love that she's intelligent enough to know when she needs to stop. Great character and you've done a skillful job bringing us into her present-day world.
The last paragraph was the only one that sort of bumped for me. Mostly because I couldn't figure out what was going on. I'm assuming her dad is Randy, and this used to be his shop (only now he's in sales somewhere?). And once upon a time she waxed surfboards for him while waiting for him to close up for the day (not at other times?). But why is she hanging out at the store now, since her dad no longer owns it? I'm going to assume there's a good reason, and I'd want to keep reading to find out who owns it now, why she's hanging out there, what happened to the surf shop (and why they don't own it anymore), etc.
Very intriguing!
The logline is very intriguing. Makes me want to find out: Why only one letter? Why only seven pieces? How does the advice send her into a tailspin? Maybe one thing I'd rather see than "into a tailspin" would be more concrete stakes. Is it an emotional tailspin? Is it a physical threat? Is it a relationship bomb? Just a bit more detail in the logline would help me understand the stakes we're playing for here.
ReplyDeleteI like the writing, but the opening page doesn't draw me in as much as the logline. This is not a genre I read, so maybe that it why, but I'd want some reference in the first page to the life changing letter to drop me into the action right away.
Oooh, I like this premise. I think this is the first YA that I see with a future self sending notes to her past. The pitch intrigued me. I wonder what’s at stake here?
ReplyDeleteThe page was nice, too. I wanted the character to gasp for air the second the wave spits her out, but instead she’s thinking about the leash. And only after that, she’s panting. I think it would be nice to slow down a bit, too… like maybe she wants to contract her muscles and she fights to stay limp? Or… why does it feel like minutes? Because her lungs are burning? Is the water cold? I think fleshing out a bit more would let the readers feel like they are with the character more. And feel that it was “bad.”
Then, I wonder, why does she resist to flop down on the sand? And when she gazes at the shoreline, what else does she see? I think it’s a nice opportunity to ground the reader. Is the sun setting behind palm trees? Are there rocks she should avoid? Or tall buildings that now (because it’s winter) are empty?
I like the detail about the surf shop that isn’t there anymore. Shows she’s longing for the past. Which is great. That sentence about the shop, though, read a bit run-on for me, though.
Overall, I think this is a great start, and I would totally keep reading.
Good luck with the agents’ round!
Best,
Mónica Bustamante Wagner
I was intrigued by the logline. It made me wonder what was going on with her future self, or had gone on, that she felt it necessary to write to her past self.
ReplyDeleteThe page itself didn't do a lot for me. It read a bit clinical, like a list of what happened. She's facing the possibilty of drowning and hardly reacts. There's no feeling or emotion here. Even when she thinks about her dad and the store, it feels like she's reporting, rather than feeling sad or nostalgic or whatever. Perhaps work some feeling and emotion onto the page.
I love the logline, but I'd definitely rather know why the last one sent her in a tailspin. Is this life or death?
ReplyDeleteThis is a great scene to open with--there's that ominous thread there, but you're also getting a clear image of who she is, and she's pretty kick-ass.
Some of the phrasing felt a little awkward to me (can water hold someone captive?) and I also felt it rushed through her getting to land and into the shop. I would've enjoyed more details. But the writing is lovely, and I'd definitely want to read more.
I'm not normally drawn to magical realism. However, this logline is AWESOME, and the premise totally hooked me. LOVE it.
ReplyDeleteLike others, I am confused about the two different references to dad that are in conflict with each other (unless she had two dads!). The scene is interesting, and I like that she's a surfer, yet I wonder if the story has started in the right place. Knowing the logline, the first page doesn't give much sense about where the book is heading or the conflict.
I'll be interested to see what the agents say - the premise for this is so very strong, and the writing is good.
The pitch drew me right in, and the opening delivered on the promise. Nitpicking can be helpful, though:
ReplyDelete"I feel my right temple." Touching it would be better. "Feel" could mean that she feels it throbbing, or feels it trying to take off into space. Make the action specific.
Other than that nothing stands out to me right now. I think it's a great premise and a great excerpt. Best of luck to you!
Leah Petersen
www.leahpetersen.com
This is an overly dramatic start to a kid coming off a surf board and crawling back on. It's a lot of words and unwarranted drama to tell us that kid goes surfing, and then back to dad's surf shop.
ReplyDeleteWe end this knowing next to nothing about the main character (even if it is male or female) or what the book is about. Cut the first two paragraphs, at least. Get into your story, or at least into your character.
From your logline, you've got a great premise, but nothing on this page pulls in the reader.
You can’t get letters from your future self. At least that’s what 17-year-old Haley McKinley thought until she receives one four weeks before graduation. The letter contains seven pieces of advice, but it’s the final one that sends Haley’s life into a tailspin.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great start. For me, the issue is the first two lines aren’t biting enough for the amazing concept. And, to be honest, giving away the punch in the first line.
So, something like ‘Haley Mckinley receives a letter four weeks before high school graduation. It contains seven pieces of advice, including one that (threatens something/ruins something/etc…’sends life into a tailspin’ is generic and meaningless…).’ And then end it with something along the lines of WHO sent her the letter: ‘But what concerns Haley the most is who sent the letter: XXXX year old Haley McKinley’ So that kicker of receiving a letter from her future self is the punch at the end of the pitch rather than the generic ‘sends her life into a tailspin’ being the ‘punch’ (which it’s not doing a very good)
The trick is not to panic. Which is kind of hard when the water’s been holding me captive for what seems like minutes. I let my body relax and wait for the undertow to retreat. Finally, just before I think my lungs might burst, the wave spits me out.
This tends towards the ‘passive’ especially with ‘what seems like minutes’ and ‘I let me body relax.’ It shows things being done to her, not her doing things. Having a more active approach will drastically improve this, since the scenario and the plot are so strong.
I grab the leash attached to my ankle and pull it back, hard. My board bounces against me, and I slide myself onto it, panting. I feel my right temple, pull my hand back. No blood. I gaze at the shoreline. Aside from a couple walking and a few kids playing soccer, it’s pretty empty.
Words like ‘myself’ in this paragraph aren’t needed, especially with four other uses of the word ‘my.’ Same thing with ‘against me’ being mostly unneeded. And the laundry list of actions: ‘I feel my right temple, pull my hand back’ is more information than the reader needs to fill in the scene in their minds: I feel (the knot on) my right temple. No blood.
‘I gaze at the shoreline…’ can be switched to ‘On shore, there’s a couple walking…’ to make these sentences punchier and more active. There’s a definite tendency to the passive, and to draw out actions into multiple sentences, which slows down the reader.
It was my dad’s rule to never surf alone. But since he’s halfway across the country at some sales presentation, I’m not sure his rules really matter. My head’s pounding now. I point my board toward the beach and let the waves carry me in. I don’t like to end a ride on a low note, but this wipeout was bad. The ocean’s way of reminding me it’s still in control.
I’ll let it win this one.
I resist the urge to flop down on the sand the minute I reach land and instead drag my board across the street to the building that will always be Randy’s Surf Shop, even if the sign says otherwise. I run my fingers over the trinkets that line the aisles where I used to wax surfboards while I waited for my dad to close up for the day.
I’m a little befuddled as to whatever happened to the great pitch…there’s none of that in the sample, and very little in the way of character building. It just sort of lies there, presenting a snapshot of a day in the life of…which is fine, but not very intriguing. There’s a tremendously interesting idea which definitely grabbed my attention, and there’s some interesting things happening in the scene, though for such a bad wipeout, it’s presented rather scientifically. This happened, then this happened, then this…with very little sensory details of the salt water and the potential fear of drowning, etc.
I want to read the story presented in the pitch…so there’s that to build on. And there’s talent to do the building. Best of luck!
5 pages
ReplyDeletePeter pretty much nailed the critique on this. The concept is awesome. I feel like you want the reader to get to know Haley before the magic element comes in, which is fine, but I think either there is too much of a hint to something dramatic happening that doesn't end up happening, or it isn't relevant and there might be a better way to introduce her. Good luck!
ReplyDelete