TITLE: One Night with the Devil
GENRE: Adult Thriller
Intelligence Agent Sean York’s commitment to the protection of his country is unparalleled. But his world is turned upside down when he realizes the current threat his homeland faces hinges on the centuries-old fine print of his family’s will—and the true parentage of an elusive, innocent child.
Agent Sean York’s objective was clear. But the plan was thin.
He ordered his team to move out—exuding plenty of commando bravado. Usually it wasn’t an act. This time it was. Inwardly he was simply praying for a miracle. Kicking down doors was one thing, this would require more finesse—finesse he wasn’t sure he had.
He was to enter the west entrance of The Historic Grande Aston Theater at exactly eight thirty-two and take the back stairwell to the balcony-level private boxes. She would be in box seventeen, seat two. One minute before intermission he was to enter box seventeen, sit next to the girl, and in sixty seconds, convince her to leave with him—convince a nine year old girl to abandon everything she's ever known and leave the theater with a perfect stranger. And do it very quickly and quietly. Perfectly clear, not simple.
If she screamed or resisted, the scene would attract more attention than he and his team wanted to deal with. In and out. Quick and quiet. That was what they needed.
Given they’d confirmed her location only three hours ago, they’d devised a good plan. Good, not great.
Her handlers were from the Geshek government, but they had brought the child across the border into Candaria for reasons he still wasn’t sure of. He had reason to believe her life was in danger. And he was certain she knew things. A lot of things. Things he needed to know.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Fantastic logline, very well written with clear goals and stakes. That by itself is worth giving this story a shot. The first line is also great. Nice contrast between objective and plan. And the rest falls in line. You set up the objective and the problems your hero faces, and the language is fine enough to get across the challenges both in logistics and personality. I have absolutely nothing critical to say about this. It's a very good beginning to a story I would love to read. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteFirst 2 paragraphs are killer. You start to lose me when you get into the details of the plan.
ReplyDeleteInteresting logline, but the first couple of chapters need tightening. I wouldn't start with what he has to do in such minute detail - I would have him doing it. For example, "He was to enter the west entrance of " - rather let him be in the action, present tense. The only future hint I would give is "convince a nine year old girl to abandon everything she's ever known and leave the theater with a perfect stranger. And do it very quickly and quietly." - great line, by the way. But as the reader I don't need to know that he has to enter the theater one minute before intermission.
ReplyDelete"He had reason to believe her life was in danger. And he was certain she knew things. A lot of things. Things he needed to know." - this reveals too much and you lose the mystery. Rather have him snatch the girl and the reader doesn't know why, but will be compelled to keep reading to find out.
You've got the thread of a great story here (intelligence agent with young girl - there'll be awesome interactions there), but with more showing and less telling, it would really hit the mark.
Compelling logline. I don't usually read books like this, but I want to keep reading! Might consider leaving out most of the details about how he's going to get the girl out, though the line itself- convince a nine year old girl to abandon everything she's ever known and leave the theater with a perfect stranger- great line. And has me thinking there's no way he's going to succeed, except of course, he must succeed. If not now, then eventually. Either way, I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteGreat logline and opening sentences.
ReplyDeleteThe details of how the plan is supposed to go went on a bit long. I'd rather read about how the plan went.
I agree with the others. The log line works, the premise is great, the writing is good. But instead of having the MC tell us what he is going to do ( which leaves nothing to look forward to except will he succeed or not) have him actally do it. Then we're wondering why is he sneaking into the opera, who is this child, what does he want with her, all good questions that will keep the reader reading. Write it in real time.
ReplyDeleteI'll echo what's already been said: good logline, but show us the plan in action (and how it goes wrong) instead of telling us. I would also like to know in the first sentence what the objective is, so that we can see where things go to hell.
ReplyDeleteI also think you get very repetitive in only these few paragraphs, so watch out for that in the rest of your manuscript and try to use an economy of words. Additionally, is it necessary to use fictional countries? I don't know anything about Candaria or the Geshek government, but I imagine they must be similar to the US, so I would prefer that sense of reality in this type of story, unless it's a fantasy world.
Beginning your book with "Agent Sean York" makes it sound like a parody of a thriller. Drop the "Agent."
ReplyDeleteGet rid of the word "exuding" in the second paragraph. Never have a person exuding anything, unless it's a tangible substance. And probably not even then.
Third paragraph: too wordy, too many details. In thrillers, less is more. Don't spoon-feed the reader. Create tension; don't explain it.
Get rid of "If she screamed or resisted, the scene would attract more attention than he and his team wanted to deal with " - it is obvious. You don't need to tell this to the reader. If you have to mention screaming or resisting, you can say that he needed to get the child out without her screaming (but again, that's obvious).
"He had reason to believe her life was in danger" is the author explaining to the reader. Don't tell he had reason; show it. Here you need details (not many - it can be as simple as he was TOLD her life was in danger).
In your logline, cut "commitment to the protection of his country is unparalleled" - not needed and not at all interesting. Avoid generic phrases such as "turned upside down." Instead, try something like: "When intelligence [CIA? what?] agent Sean York realizes the fine print of his family’s centuries-old will [does what? "threatens his homeland" is vague and doesn't even let us know what his "homeland" is]—and hinges on [try for another phrase than "hinges on"] the parentage of a child no one can find. (I'm assuming that's what you mean by "elusive" - and "innocent" is assumed for a child.
In many thrillers or crime manuscripts, the book actually begins on the second page, and this may be the case here.
Interesting log line, especially including the personal stakes on top of danger to country.
ReplyDeleteThe first line doesn't have as much impact as it could.
Rather than tell the reader he ordered his team to move out - is he giving the order subvocally via comm? is he motioning and remaining silent? There's little sensory input to give the reader an idea of his inner worry.
Rather than telling the reader the plan and then bringing them along for how it plays out, perhaps hint at a less than solid plan and bring the reader directly along to find out what happens as compared to what needed to happen along the way. Sweep us up in the action and move us forward right away.
The MC's interesting and I want to know more about him and the young girl he's been sent to acquire but I'm not quite hooked.
Fantastic log line and interesting premise. The opening is strong for me... A few muddles as other have mentioned. Love the fits of analysis, but I'd love to see them tightened. Good luck.
ReplyDelete