TITLE: Enthrall
GENRE: MG Horror
After Zac is kicked out of school for defending his moms, a renovation job leads their family to an old hospital. Zac encounters a ghost in the building who warns him of trapped spirits. When one of his moms grows extremely ill and his sister begins acting strangely, Zac realizes he’ll have to free the ghosts to keep his family safe.
Moving to an old hospital in the middle of nowhere isn’t how I wanted to spend my winter break.
“This place is falling down,” I say. Strips of white paint hang from the porch pillars. The building has three levels and most of the windows facing us are cracked and broken. For a minute, I think I see movement in one of the upstairs windows. Just a flash of something, there and then gone.
“Don’t even start, Zac,” my mom Bree says. “You made your bed. . .”
She’s telling me it’s my fault we’re here. Sure, I hit Jarred Petersen. And hit him. And hit him. Once I finally started hitting him, I couldn’t stop. I wanted to make sure he never said bad things about my moms or my sister again. “You took the job here,” I tell Bree. I don’t call her “Mom” like she wants. She’s never felt like much of a mom.
My other mom, Sofía, sighs. “Vamos, guys. Could we just get the door open?”
My twin sister Zadie fumbles with the keys. I carried her suitcase so she could open the door for us. “I’m trying,” Zadie says, fitting the key into the lock and turning the knob.
She pushes hard on the door. Hinges creak and it swings open. Bree steps past her and flicks the lights on. We follow Bree, walking into our new house. It smells dusty and old.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Fantastic first line! That drew me in right away. This is a really strong opener, so I'll be a bit nitpicky with it. :) With his moms, to avoid the clunky "my mom" and "my other mom," I would simply introduce Bree as Bree and then keep the explanation of why he doesn't call her "mom." And then for Sofia, I wouldn't even use her first name. Just introduce her as Mom or Mama or whatever he calls her. You've got really strong voice in the third paragraph, so if you wanted to beef up this opener, I'd make sure to pull that voice through the other paragraphs. Maybe instead of smelling "dusty and old" it smells like something more personal to the main character. Same with the paragraph where he's describing the outside of the hospital. I'm really intrigued about how he defended his moms but at the same time doesn't seem to have a good relationship with one of them. That and the fact that they're going to live in the creepy hospital and the hint of a ghost would definitely keep me reading! Best of luck with this!
ReplyDelete-Gail Nall
Gail, thank you so much for these great ideas! I'm too tired to think clearly and begin re-writing tonight, but you've made me want to. ;) I appreciate your thoughts and your time so much.
DeleteYou're so welcome!! :) Glad I could help.
Delete-Gail
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ReplyDeleteLike the concept here! In general, and I like the writing.
DeleteThe first page, however, brought up a few questions for me. Is Sofia not his really mom either? Are the kids adopted? If so, I think that should be mentioned. If not, consider instead of "other mom" "real mom".
windows facing us – Question: Are there windows facing away from them? I can't picture this.
Is this hospital both a job and their home? This might be answered later, but early on I'm confused, but that's not biggie.
Hi, H.R.--thanks so much for your thoughts/questions. I'm happy to answer questions if you'd like, but for now, I'm going to use them as areas where I should clarify/rethink how I've written things. Thank you!
DeleteI didn't have a problem with "the moms" because to me it seemed clear that this was a family with two moms (one as real as the other, just one he likes better than the other) - I didn't need to know if the twins were adopted from their birth mother or which of the moms gave birth, at least not at this point.
DeleteSo, yeah. I'm really into this. I would keep reading. Most of the questions I have are the good kind, the ones that make me want to keep reading to find out.
ReplyDeleteI was a little pulled out by the present tense. I'm already person who's not a fan of it, so unless it's done spectacularly so I don't notice it, I usually feel this way. I don't know that there actually is a lot of MG 1st person, present tense out there, so it's just something to be aware of, that you might get some push back on it. But I wouldn't overly worry about it.
Sarah, thank you so much for your positive comments and for the comment about the present tense. . .I hadn't even thought about it, and I think one of the other readers made a similar comment, so it's definitely something I need to rethink. Thank you so much for your thoughts!
DeleteFWIW, all of my published MGs are 1st person, present tense, and even when I was on sub with the first one, I never had an editor comment on it. :) I think it's become a lot more common in the past couple of years, particularly in contemporary MG. (Although I definitely don't see it as much in fantasy.) It definitely works best with a narrator who has a strong voice, and it seems to be more common with upper MG than with younger MG.
Delete(Forgot to add my name to the comment above! Gail Nall. hahaha) My co-author on a couple of books, Jen Malone, also writes MG in first person present, so her books would also be good to check out, if you want.
DeleteGail, I'll check into your books and Jen Malone's and play around with tenses and POVs to find what feels best for Zac. Thanks for the comments/suggestions, above and here. ;)
DeleteI like the idea of this story, and the opening line is great. A few thoughts .... I feel there are too many 'voices,' and because we don't know anyone yet, I find all the conversation a bit jarring. I think, too, that there are too many conflicts introduced: the hospital move, the fight, a hint of a ghost, Zac's reasons for why he addresses him moms the way he does. I'd focus on Zac and the one event about to change everything (the hospital), and let the other elements introduce themselves in a more natural way.
ReplyDeleteM, thank you for your thoughts. You're right, there are a lot of voices in this opening scene as well as lots of issues. Just when I thought this MS was done, you all are giving me great things to consider and work on. :)
DeleteI love ghost stories and I'm already rooting for the kid who beat up the asshat who insulted his mothers. (Please don't diagram that sentence.) Excellent job creating a sympathetic MC.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a fan of first present, so I wasn't drawn in. That is only a personal preference, though.
When you've typed "the end," I strongly suggest you go through the book to remove extraneous words. The last sentence here, for example:
We follow Bree, walking into our new house.
could be tightened thus:
We follow Bree into our new house.
It's tedious work, but little excisions like that over a whole ms really make it move along.
Also, how exactly does "old" smell to you? Upping the sensory description here would help to draw the reader in. Does the dust puff up around their feet and make them sneeze? Does "old" here smell like decaying bandages and sour disinfectant?
Good luck!
Alice, thank you so much for your supportive comments and wonderful ideas. I said this earlier, but comments like yours make me want to dive back in to my MS tonight--especially the sensory description piece. I'm so excited to describe what "old" smells like. . .and that's something I never thought I'd say. ;)
DeleteI really enjoyed this. The first line was killer, and I liked Zac's voice. I know a lot of people aren't a fan of the 1st person, but for a kid, this is great. Since people have already said a lot about the sample, I want to concentrate on the logline. I think it's waay too bulky, and can be a bit more streamlined. This might not be the best example, but...
ReplyDeleteEX: 13?-year-old Zac discovers that he must free the ghosts trapped in the abandoned hospital his family is renovating before they (insert threat of doom and gloom here)
Thank you so much for your comments, Nami! I really appreciate your thoughts on streamlining the logline. I struggle with that (obviously), so your logline draft is really helpful. Thank you, thank you!
DeleteThis reads well, and the only thing that sticks out as a bit unwieldy is " I carried her suitcase so she could open the door for us." - I'd shorten this and just say "I was carrying her suitcase" or leave it out.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sara! I appreciate your help in streamlining this bit. :)
DeleteThis is strong writing, and drops us right in the middle of the family and their changed situation. I like Zac already, and the paragraph where he's thinking about the fight and how it got them there... love it. I also really liked that we got a hint of the ghosts in the very first paragraph. Agree that sentences like 'It smells dusty and old' are a bit more telling than showing - think about how to revise to make it more descriptive. I would definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you, thank you, jkolin. I so appreciate your kind words and will look for instances of telling to revise. Much gratitude for your support.
Delete