TITLE: Desperate Knight
GENRE: Adult Fantasy/Romance
Marissa sagged. It was all just too much. The search for the portal, and the most unwelcome revelation that she possessed limitless quantities of magic. Which she certainly didn’t want and absolutely didn’t need. And now this. Trapped here in a magical portal with no way out.
“Can’t we go back?” she asked.
Sebastien shook his head. “No, not with this one. Some containment spells do work that way. You can’t get out of the portal, but you can return to your point of origin. This one is more complex. It keeps anyone who arrives here, here.”
“Well, what if we yell until someone comes to let us out?”
Sebastien cocked a brow. “These are priests here, not wizards. I doubt there's anyone around who would have either the knowledge or the skill to free us. Assuming they wanted to. After all, we are in point of fact intruders. Anyway, the containment spell is pretty solid. We could yell ’til doomsday and I doubt anyone could hear us.”
“Then why is the portal even here?”
“An excellent question. And one I will be happy to explore at some more opportune moment, for it will need a long lesson in history. Suffice it to say the Holy Mother Church and the Royal College of Wizards do not see eye to eye on most subjects any longer.”
“So here we sit--well, stand, really--like rats in a trap. We can’t even get word to the king that he may be in danger, since no one can hear us. Mmmmph!” Marissa clenched her hands in frustration.
“There may be a way,” Sebastien said slowly.
“Oh? The last time you said that, I ended up possessed of a great deal of magic I really didn’t want.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
My first impression was that this reminded me of Katherine Kurtz's Deryni books, which is not a bad thing. :)
ReplyDeleteSebastian's dialogue is, on the whole, overwritten.
So, do this: Read this bit out loud in your best "Sebastian" voice:
"These are priests here, not wizards. I doubt there's anyone around who would have either the knowledge or the skill to free us. Assuming they wanted to. After all, we are in point of fact intruders. Anyway, the containment spell is pretty solid. We could yell ’til doomsday and I doubt anyone could hear us.”
See how long and clunky it feels when it's coming out of your mouth? You need to trim his dialogue so that it's believable and not too much at once.
Example of how to fix this:
These are priests here, not wizards. I doubt there's anyone around who could free us. Assuming they wanted to."
Marissa frowned. "They might."
"We're intruders, Marissa. Anyway, the containment spell is pretty solid. We could yell ’til doomsday and I doubt anyone could hear us.”
I would also take out the "Mmmmmph" in Marissa's line of dialogue. It borders on silly.
Good work and good luck! 8-)
I think this dialogue could benefit from adding some action beats in between to show us a little more of the emotional state of the characters and to break up the rather long dialogue beats.
ReplyDeleteAlso you don't have to tell us Marissa was frustrated. You are showing it when she clenches her hands.
I'm not sure about the Mmmmph either. I would remove it.
Nice job! The main impression I'm getting here is the contrast between Marissa and Sebastien's way of speaking -- hers is more familiar and straight-forward; his is very formal and long-winded. And that's great for their characterization, but it could make Sebastien seem a bit like a vehicle for exposition. I agree with the previous commenter that breaking his speech into smaller segments could help. Also, I think when Marissa clenches her hands it's pretty obvious that she's frustrated, so the "in frustration" could be dropped.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I like the difference between speech styles in these characters. I agree with the commenters above. You'll need to be careful that you don't use Sebastien as your way to explain the rules of the world to your protagonist. I'm always wary of that as an editor when I see one character with lengthy dialogue passages. If you do think that Sebastien is your tool in this way, perhaps they can discover some of the rules together.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I'd intersperse some actions in here between dialogue passages. Have them exploring where they are, speaking while they're doing it.
I hope that's helpful! Portals sound like an interesting read!
Cheers,
Maggie
Echoing some of the above, the different styles of speaking are well written, but Sebastien's pieces are full of exposition instead of moving things forward. There is also little in the way of descriptors to set the scene (which may have come before this one, so might not be that big of a deal), but a few more action beats that not only break up Sebastien's pieces, but add to the scene would be helpful. Overall a nice job though.
ReplyDeleteTo me, this came off as an info dump, a way to explain the portal to the reader. Cindy's suggestion to break up the dialogue could work for you.
ReplyDeleteMy other thought is that after we get this lengthy lesson on why they are stuck there, Sebastion has an immediate solution. If he knew of a solution, then he didn't need to give the lecture. If he knew the solution, then ending up in that portal was never a problem. Perhaps don't allow them to solve this dilemma so easily, or let Marissa see it as a problem, and allow Sebastian to convince her it's not by telling her his solution, and cutting the lecture.