TITLE: The Shadow of the Tree
GENRE: YA Fantasy
After their initiation camp is raided, Evja (the guardian) finds Hauk half dead in the river. The two teens belong to neighbouring forest tribes, which live in peace with each other and celebrate initiation rites together. They both grew up thinking their tribes were the only people in the world.
“Do you think you’re able to get up, now?” the guardian asked.
Hauk didn’t know how much time had passed, but the sun had moved to the top of the sky. “I think so.” His voice sounded strange in his own ears.
“Good. Let’s go then.” The guardian got to her feet. “We have to get home. Find out what this was about”
Hauk gritted his teeth and turned to his back. The pain was bearable. He managed to push himself up with his elbows, but his whole body screamed at the effort.
The guardian held out her hand.
He didn’t take it. “What do you mean, what this was about? They took them. Snow and the others.
They took them!”
She startled, and her hand dropped to her side.
Finally some emotion. Hauk lay back breathing heavily. It felt like he’d just run up a steep hill. Maybe he wasn’t ready to move after all.
“What do you mean? They? And who’s Snow?” The guardian sat back down.
“The bloody Darklings.” He didn’t know what else to call them, the monstrous men from last night.
“And if we’re going somewhere, it will be after them. I’m not letting them slip away into the darkness.”
“What are you talking about? We’re not going after anybody. You least of all.”
Yes I am. If only I could get to my feet.
“ Anyway, this must have been some kind of test,” the Wight continued.
“A test? What the D makes you think that?”
Miss Snark's First Victim
Even with the actions tied to the dialogue, I'm having a hard time figuring out who's speaking. Part of it is because they sound pretty similar. Sometimes, it's because you introduce an action too late. An example:
ReplyDeleteThis line takes place after some narration, so it could be anyone speaking:
“What do you mean? They? And who’s Snow?” The guardian sat back down.
The action at the end tells us it's Evja speaking, but we don't know that until after we've read all the dialogue. Something like this works better if you get that action in as soon as possible:
“What do you mean?" The guardian sat back down. "They? And who’s Snow?”
This bit was also confusing to me:
She startled, and her hand dropped to her side.
Finally some emotion. Hauk lay back breathing heavily. It felt like he’d just run up a steep hill. Maybe he wasn’t ready to move after all.
Because I'm not sure who the "Finally, some emotion." Because it's immediately followed by Hauck's action, but before that Evja just startles, which isn't much of an emotion, especially after Hauck just yelled something. So because he just showed a ton of emotion, and Evja not much, it confused me, which then the confusion just left me ungrounded the more I read.
One last example where I was confused about who was speaking:
“The bloody Darklings.” He didn’t know what else to call them, the monstrous men from last night.
“And if we’re going somewhere, it will be after them. I’m not letting them slip away into the darkness.”
Hauck speaks the first line. But the second line is a new paragraph, which suggest it's Evja now speaking, but the dialogue seems to be a continuation of what Hauck was saying, so I don't know who was speaking that second line.
Just really watching your beats, paragraph breaks and your tags would really help ground your reader more.
I agree that there could be more clarification about who is speaking and when. Too many dialogue tags can make a passage cluttered, but in this case I think you've gone to the other extreme. And it doesn't always have to be "he said" or "she replied" -- sometimes just describing what they're doing or what they look like as they speak could help to paint the scene a little more clearly. This passage has a good potential; it just needs some tidying up.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I'm going to echo Sarah and Matril above and say the language of the dialogue is mostly fine (although I would read a couple of those lines out loud to see if they sound how you think they should), but its the tags and the placement of action descriptors that is causing some issues. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your help and good wishes!
ReplyDelete