TITLE: Off Pitch
GENRE: NA Romance
I stood back to watch my handiwork as the soccer ball soared gracefully into the top-right corner of the goal, and a whistle blew from somewhere near the sideline to signal the end of practice. I sighed with contentment at my own spectacular skill, and jogged toward the net to help clean up the mess of balls that littered the goal area. My bedeviled locks clung to my sweaty forehead as the summer sun beat down from the clear, August sky and reflected off Lake Michigan, bathing the soccer field in a double-whammy heat wave.
"God, Adds! Do you ever let up? The season hasn't even started, yet," Jessica whined from her position inside the goal.
"After 14 years on the pitch together, I thought you'd have learned the answer to that question.” I gave her chestnut ponytail a playful tug, and she glared at me while she leaned casually against the goal post.
"Well, there was that one time in first grade when we sat down in your living room and watched a movie," Jessica said with unbridled sarcasm.
"Ha. Ha." I rolled my eyes. Jessica Strobel and I had been best friends since first grade. Now, going into our junior year at Northwestern University, our relationship subsisted entirely on sarcasm and caffeine.
"I’ll tell you what. Since you managed to block almost 10% of my shots, and I know what a sore loser you are, I'll take you out to coffee after we're done here."
Miss Snark's First Victim
I love soccer, so YOU HAD ME FROM SOCCER BALL! This is a great entry: you managed to set up the setting (summer in Michigan) and character (a young soccer player very confident in her skills), the only thing missing are the stakes or tension. Is the romance between her and her friend? Because it might've just been me, but I was getting some romantic vibes between them. If not, I'm not as familiar with how romance story arcs go, but should the main love interest / tension be in the first page? I'm not positive, but something to consider :) Also, there are a lot of adjectives strung together, and I'd consider separating them to help with the flow of the story.
ReplyDeleteI love that we get a strong sense of your main character from page one!
ReplyDeleteYou've got some adverbs that you don't need('gracefully'). I also stumbled over "I sighed with contentment" because that comes across as a very relaxed physical response from an athlete. She could clap, yell, grin, or you could even have her say something like "I'd impressed even myself today." Internal dialogue instead of physical response.
I was confused by the word 'bedeviled' - not that you should take it out! - unique word choice tells us something fun about your character. But I just have no idea what it means, so maybe tack on another adjective that gives a hint. :D
Just one last thing - if they're winded post-practice, and good friends, some of their dialogue lines would be shorter. (i.e. "You should know the answer to that question" - we don't need the 14 years).
I'd love to know what happens next!
This opening is a vivid description of the soccer field, the weather...everything. It puts me right there at the soccer practice in the hot, humid air. But like another reviewer commented, I don't know what the stakes are. Is there a relationship between the mc and Jessica? I think you should insert something that hints at a larger conflict/tension to come in the story.
ReplyDeleteEngaging opening! I like it. Good action and you've fit in a lot of character building in a short amount of space. My suggestions are minor ones to potentially tightening up the opening paragraphs:
ReplyDelete-You could cut "with contentment" because the reader would get that from the sighing and the internal about her great skill. That cuts a smidge of telling.
-The description of her hair feels a bit out of place of what someone would think about themselves. Maybe something like: "For the third time in a minute I wiped the back of my hand across my forehead, but my damn curly hair wouldn't budge. The sweat on my forehead wasn't helping." Something like that so we learn about her hair through natural action instead of her reflecting on it.
-I like the dialogue with Jessica. You could cut the word "whined" because we can get that from what she said. Maybe do an action instead to indicate who's speaking? "Jessica kicked a ball out from the goal net" (not the right technical term lol)
Good luck!!
(our relationship subsisted entirely on sarcasm) OK, I can accept this statement, but maybe look at it this way. I want to like your MC and feel invested in her story. I need to connect with her. The person you describe is not someone I can or would want to connect with. I feel sorry for Jessica, because Adds seems unpleasant to be around.
ReplyDeleteSoccer field, sweaty bodies, Michigan sun, you have me with the setting. Make me care about the girl and you will have something wonderful.
Best of luck.
MY apologies for a second post. Started posting my reviews before fully reading the directions, which clearly state not to post anonymously. So, in case anyone needs to know, the below post was mine.
ReplyDelete(our relationship subsisted entirely on sarcasm) OK, I can accept this statement, but maybe look at it this way. I want to like your MC and feel invested in her story. I need to connect with her. The person you describe is not someone I can or would want to connect with. I feel sorry for Jessica, because Adds seems unpleasant to be around.
Soccer field, sweaty bodies, Michigan sun, you have me with the setting. Make me care about the girl and you will have something wonderful.
Best of luck.
Strong sense of place here and some character. I'm inclined to agree with Barb, though, that I might side with Jessica instead of cocky Adds. I'd also like a better sense of what the story is about: changing friendships? sudden destruction of inborn talent? the pressures of collegiate sports? changing majors and adding two years of student debt?
ReplyDeleteBe careful of overlong compound sentences. Many phrases connected by 'and' might stand better on their own.
Keep at it!
This is just a personal preference, but I would suggest breaking up some of the sentences as they felt too long. I love the interaction between Adds and Jessica though. Plus, that line about their relationship existing on sarcasm and caffeine alone was hilarious. Good job and thanks for entering!
ReplyDelete