TITLE: Freedom's Chains
GENRE: YA Speculative - Fantasy
FREEDOM'S CONFINES
Today is special. Today we get apple slices. It always gets kind of crazy around here on an apple slice day. Rule number one of this rare treat-of-a-day: once the fruit is placed in your hand, immediately shove it into your mouth and chew as quickly as possible. Rule number two on apple slice day: do not, for any reason, drop your fruit—if you want to keep all your fingers. I saw rule number two broken twice during my fifteen years of life, all of those years lived here inside Wormwood Tower. I plan to never, ever, break rule number two. Three months is a long time to wait for a chance at another apple slice and all their sweet and delicious goodness.
“Line up,” shouts the orange-uniformed guard, breaking my gaze from a tiny cockroach scurrying across the floor. “Hurry. Or else don’t plan on eating anything—even cabbage—until tomorrow morning. Or if that threat doesn’t work, I’ll kick you out into the wild, where you can expect to be dinner.” He repeatedly pokes his wooden club into every drab, gray linen-gowned child and adult, forcing us to scoot and scamper faster, just like the cockroach, while lining up in the usual order to accept our apple slice. I hate the orange guard. The green guard is much nicer.
We hurry to our positions in line with all the wee children first, those after progressing in age and last but not least, the caboose: Nan. Scar-riddled Nan is always last.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Excellent job at grabbing me from the first sentence! The apple slice is a great way to get right into the MC's world and show, very specifically, just what a harsh reality she lives in. It might be interesting to have the guard pick on an individual vs. poking at the group...make it more personal.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading, Michele! Just beyond these words the guard focuses on Freedom, poor Freedom...
DeleteI like how this reminds me of the restricted life portrayed in The 100. The comparison to the cockroach is interesting, as if these are survivors of some apocalypse.
ReplyDeleteRudus, the cockroach is an MC :) He's full of gusto, and is so darn lovable.
DeleteThanks for the attention, Jamie.
What I love most here is the voice. It's light and playful, which contrasts well against the stark truth of confinement.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on!
Sweet! Thank you for your enthusiasm - it's infectious.
DeleteNice setup of setting and a clear likeable voice make me want to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'm not positive, but I think "I saw rule number two broken twice" should be "I've seen rule number two broken twice".
The guard's dialogue starts with 'Or' twice, you might want to change that for a more rhythmic flow.
I think I would take out 'repeatedly' from the sentence where the guard is poking people. The sentence also seems a bit rambling, might want to break up.
Good luck!
DKD, you're wonderful. Thank you thank you for your help.
DeleteInteresting premise! We see a lot of the world in a short amount of time. The first couple sentences of the opening actually made me think this was MG, until the losing fingers part. And then I got the feeling again when the guard was speaking. If this orange guard is really so deplorable, would he actually say, "if that threat doesn't work"? Also would he really need to "repeatedly" poke into "every drag". It seems like less is more here. Make it obvious he should be hated, or better yet, make the reader hate him too. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOh, he's deplorable, for sure.
DeleteLess is more - got it!
Intriguing! Great voice shining through right from the start. I think you can do a lot with a plucky, wry narrator in a dreadful situation, and you've definitely started us there with the description of apple-slice-day. I like the rules, but I don't understand how you could lose your fingers if you drop your slice. Clarify a bit, maybe?
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple minor instances of over-writing, like "during my fifteen years of life, all of those years lived here inside Wormwood Tower." That could be neatened up into something like "during my fifteen years of life in Wormwood Tower" (since it's YA, I think the reader would assume your protagonist means they're fifteen).
The guard's dialogue could be a little "bark-ier," with less spelling it out for people. Your narrator could fill in the blanks. And I like the orange-guard-green-guard dichotomy! I hope that's important later on. Great work here!
Joy - love the name ;) Thank you for your kind words, and the encouraging recommendations. Have an awesome weekend.
DeleteI loved this. Beautiful voice, and I like the twist with the first paragraph seeming quite whimsy and nostalgic and then suddenly we're in a prison! It made me sit up and take notice. You've established the world pretty quickly too, which is definitely a plus :) I would keep the guard's dialogue short and gruff. Play up the fact he's an uncouth meatheaded grunt. They tend to speak in gruff, clipped stuccato. It's difficult to place the age group with this opening - YA or MG? - but I think that's an easy fix. Very cool :)
ReplyDeleteMeatheaded grunt, haha! Love it.
DeleteYA. Beginning starts off innocent...
Thank you for your time, Rachel.
*snickers* meatheaded grunt.
This is interesting. I’d take out the one of the “todays” in the first two sentences so it doesn’t sound too repetitive. Maybe something like, “I lick my lips in anticipation of this special moment. Today, (insert comma whether you change the sentence or not) we get apple slices.”
ReplyDeleteThe sentence “I saw rule number two broken twice during my fifteen years of life…” kind of through me out of the scene. One, because it doesn’t sound like something a fifteen year old may say and two, because unless he’s got a photographic memory (which who knows, he just might reveal to having later), I doubt he’s remembered whether rule number two was broken only twice throughout his entire life. So maybe you could rephrase that so you can still incorporate his age and still show the rarity of the rule being broken.
The sentence “I plan to never, ever…” could be reworked so it’s stronger. I’d suggest taking out the never or ever since you explain in the next sentence the consequences of breaking the rule. However, I have to admit that it doesn’t seem like a very severe punishment to go three months without apple slices…unless that’s the only food they get to eat and so they’re starving for the rest of the time and only get to eat on apple slice day. But from the next paragraph, I see that they’re fed at least cabbage. Oh, the way my mind wanders, lol. Just be sure to focus and show more of the dire situation.
On the last paragraph, I noticed “wee children” was used which again doesn’t exude the tone of a fifteen year old.
Thanks for entering!
I really like the use of the apple slices to give a pretty deep glimpse into this dismal world.
ReplyDeleteThe voice, though, sounds older than a 15 y-o, while the style seems more like MG, if that's possible. I wish I could give you specific suggestions, but I think it comes down to word choice and sentence construction.
Consider trimming the number of words the guard uses. I expect he would use as few words as possible when dealing with the inmates.
Keep it up!
This is interesting! The use of apple slices really caught my attention. The guard's dialogue lost me a little though. It felt like he was spelling it out too much for the group. If they've been through this before, then they would know how to behave/the consequences. A few words would be enough to remind the group of the threat, and the reader could see that if it was filtered through the MC. Nice job overall!
ReplyDelete