TITLE: Vailen House and the Maraydon Seal
GENRE: YA Contemporary, Adventure
Calden scribbled out Euler's Identity for the third time that morning. Even with a hundred students swarming around, searching anxiously for a seat in the high school auditorium, he kept with the equation and continued rearranging the variables:
e^πi + 1 = 0
The formula represented his family—at least his father said it did—with ‘π’ and ‘i’ denoting his two younger sisters, ‘1’ his father, Calden as the ‘e’, and his mother as the addition sign that held the family together. The identity was considered humanity’s most beautiful piece of math, and yet with the simple exclusion of the ‘1’, the entire equation fell apart. Calden thought up ways to balance it out, though without his father there, it seemed unlikely.
“Yo, anyone sitting here?” A familiar voice called from above. Calden looked up to see his friend Lorne, though in all honesty, they hadn’t said a word to each other all summer.
“Hmmm, can you at least say hi?” Lorne shifted Calden’s books off the adjacent chair and sat down.
“Simon, Carol, Mia—we all worried about you man. You get our calls?”
“I guess.” Calden kept at the equation, scratching out the ‘1’ several times over. Why’d the whole identity break down with one person gone! He drew lines and circles all over the page, burying his work in dark strokes of lead.
“Hey!” Lorne grabbed hold of his hand. “You okay man?” He leaned in and threw an arm over Calden. “Can we please talk about this after school?”
Miss Snark's First Victim
We have such a clear picture of the setting and main character from this first page. I love it. I will say that when we reach the dialogue, I kept getting confused about who was speaking. Specifically, I think "Simon..." can technically be tacked onto the end of the paragraph above it. If not, maybe a tag to show it's Lorne. I get ditching extra dialogue tags, but since the speaker usually alternates, I assumed Calden said that line, which threw me for a loop.
ReplyDeleteNo other comments, it's fantastic. Would definitely read.
Hi Audrey! Thanks for the great feedback :) The line about Simon was actually tacked onto the previous paragraph, but I think it accidentally got shifted down while formatting! One question— do you think the intro is too math heavy and I should change it? Thanks again :D
DeleteI agree with Audrey. I got confused as to who was speaking, but this is a really cool opening. Calden's anxiety was palpable, and it got my blood pumping. The scene was clear, and left me eager to know more. It left me with a bit of a Dan Brown vibe. Best of luck to you!
ReplyDeleteThank Brianna! I really appreciate the feedback :) The line about Simon was actually tacked onto the previous paragraph, but I think it accidentally got shifted down while formatting. I'm really glad you felt the Dan Brown vibe, as that's what I was really trying to achieve. Thanks again!
DeleteI love this!
ReplyDeleteEverything.
I want to keep reading.
I was not confused, but, hey, we all read slightly left of center.
Well don :D
Thanks Ellen! Really appreciate the feedback :) The line about Simon was actually tacked onto the previous paragraph, but I think it accidentally got shifted down while formatting. I'm surprised/so happy it didn't confuse you though! Thanks again!
DeleteI like the urgency, I really get the sense that Calden is onto something. He seems to be so on to it that he's been ignoring his friends all summer.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that the line beginning, "Simon, Carol, Mia..." is ambiguous about the speaker. Just pulling it up one paragraph easily solves this though, if it is Lorne speaking.
And since the "why'd the whole identity break down..." line is a question, it should probably end with a question mark. But I think you were trying to impart the urgency Calden feels, so take that advice with salt.
All in all, I quite like the beginning, and I would read on to the next page for sure. (Especially considering a synopsis or logline, would've already given us a sense of what we're dealing with here and its bound to be entertaining!)
Thanks MapWorm for the great feedback! The line about Simon was actually tacked onto the previous paragraph, but I think it accidentally got shifted down while formatting. I also LOVE the recommendation about changing the exclamation mark to a question, for the identity breaking down — that makes a lot more sense. Thanks so much!
DeleteThat makes sense! Sorry I got mixed up!
ReplyDeleteMy Dad's a math teacher, so it's not a problem for me. And I like seeing a STEM main character for a change. There are plenty of teens who read and love math, and YA tends to feature MCs who are humanities-driven. But I'll admit I'm biased. :)
That's awesome Audrey! Lucky you! I actually started off the book with Calden as a history major, but quickly found it wasn't MY voice. I'm currently studying to be an engineer, so math is really what I'm most comfortable with, and what I enjoy writing about most. I'll try and dumb down the equations a bit and make it more relatable, but think sticking to a math-centric theme may be the best way forward. Thanks again for all your feedback and comments Audrey--I sincerely appreciate it :)
DeleteI'm not a math-y person, but this worked for me. I really like the parallel of losing his mother to breaking the equation. Maybe lighten the math, but definitely keep that part.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that stuck out to me was the very end. They're in the middle of a crowded auditorium, so I'm not sure I buy that one guy would sling an arm around another guy in public in high school. Maybe they have that kind of relationship, or maybe their school isn't as paranoid as mine was back in the day.
Lorne's last line of dialogue also stood out to me--he suddenly gets serious and asks a rather adult-like question in an adult-like way. Again, maybe they have this kind of dynamic. Maybe Lorne really is THAT worried about him, which would be an intriguing detail.
If we could get a little bit more detail about this moment, I could buy into it more. For instance, is Lorne giving him a dude-hug? Is he being super casual? Is it a close, intense thing so he can whisper that question, not wanting to embarrass him? These are clues about their relationship that would make me more invested.
That said, the math angle already got me curious enough to turn the page. :)
Replied to your comment below by accident :)
DeleteWow BeFleet! I'm so impressed with your feedback, I'm momentarily speechless. Of course slinging around an arm around another guy would be extremely weird! Especially 1. in a crowded setting, and 2. for two people who aren't particularly friends. BRAVO! I'll make that change ASAP.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, you're absolutely right again--no person would dive straight into being serious, especially if, again, they're not THAT close to the other person. I'll make the change to be more of a casual setting in which they interact--maybe Lorne could be insensitive or direct with talking about the death in the family, which only frustrates Calden more.
Lastly, thanks so much for encouraging me to stick with the math angle. I tossed and turned all night yesterday, wondering if I should restructure the story and remove it. I'll dumb it down for sure, but keep the essence alive :)
Thanks BeFleet!
Vance, have you read 'The Martian'? Very math and physics based. That book had been rejected by TONS of publishers (probably for that very reason), and the author self-published. Only then did the publishers realize their mistake, and the book became a bestseller.
ReplyDeleteI would not dumb down your math too much. Definitely stick with the math angle. There will be readers who love it. Publishers and agents don't always know what the public wants. :)
Hi there! Yes I have, though I didn't know the backstory of the book. That's great motivation! Thanks so much :)
DeleteAfter rereading my first chapter several times over, I decided to stick with the math angle and forge ahead. I think being true to myself and my writing is what's most important, and hopefully that shines through the final story.
Thanks once again for your words of encouragement--they put a big smile on my face!
I'm not a math person at all, but I enjoyed this. And while I didn't get the math itself, I don't think we need to. The fact is, you explain it well enough that I get the point (at least I think I do.) Calder's father has died, and his family no longer works, just as the equation without the i that signified dad, doesn't work. Or, he's worried that it won't work without dad.
ReplyDeleteI agree about the dialogue issues already mentioned, and it seems they were just a formatting issue and easily fixed. I also agree with not dumbing down the math. Let it be what it is. People who write SF don't dumb down the science. The math is what will make the book stand out. You're obviously including it for a reason. Stick with it.
Hi Barbara, that's right! You got it exactly how I meant it :) Just like the equation doesn't work without the '1', so too does Calden's family break down without his dad.
DeleteAlso, thank you so much for the encouragement to keep going with the math angle. It was always a factor I worried about--considering most novels focus on history, law, or literature--but you're definitely right in saying the math is what will make the novel stand out.
Thanks again for the feedback Barbara--I greatly appreciate it!
I like this. We really don’t need to know what he is scribbling at that moment. The fact that he is so completely focused will show its importance and make me want to discover the secret on his paper. You have shown me his detachment from friends, his determination, and his confusion over whatever it is he is scribbling. You did not need the math for that.
ReplyDeleteThis is good. Keep working on it and it WILL BE GREAT.
Hi Barb, thanks so much for the advice! I never thought about removing the equation, but keeping the essence of what Calden was doing--that's pretty smart! It'll not only remove any confusion with the math, but also streamline the writing, allowing the reader to dive into the story much quicker. Great tip!
DeleteAlthough I like the math analogies, I got a little confused this one in the beginning. Why is his dad the 1, Calden the e and his sister the pi and i? Also, it made more sense to me if the mother was the 0 as being what brought everyone together.
ReplyDeleteHowever, as I read it began to click and I understood that the math equation represented his life. It seemed like while the mother held up everything, the father was the one making it impossible to balance out home life with his absence. At least that’s what I got from that last sentence on the second paragraph.
If I’m right about that, then I think you've incorporated beautiful imagery that really shows a depth of the story. Great job.
Thanks for entering!
Hi Secret Agent, you're exactly right. While his mother held up the family, without his father in the picture, it became impossible for Calden to find balance in his life.
DeleteHowever I agree that I can definitely do with simplifying the analogy. As Barb mentioned above, I can convey the same information without actually using the equation. Showing Calden working on "something" representing his family will do the job just as well, and avoid any possible confusion :)
Thank you for the great feedback, and I will definitely continue working on the story!
I really love the idea of the family as a math equation! It really gives us an idea how Calden's mind works and the difficulties he's facing outside the classroom. There's definitely a story in that equation.
ReplyDeleteYou might consider looking at your sentence lengths. You have quite a few long ones that might improve the flow if trimmed or broken up.
Keep it up!
Hi Jen, thanks so much for the feedback! I like the line--story in the equation--may use that in my query letter :)
DeleteSentence lengths is definitely something I need to start working on. I've actually begun highlighting lines in my favorite novels, trying to figure how authors convey so much information in so few lines. In the end I think it all comes down to excellent punctuation, and so that'll be my next hurdle!
Thanks again for the feedback Jen :)
I actually really like the math--I wouldn't change that at all. The entire concept is extremely intriguing and I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteThe only problem I had was with your dialogue. As the mother of 5 teenagers, to me it seems extremely unnatural.
Good Luck,
DKD
Hi DKD, thanks for the encouragement to keep with the math angle! From the comments above, I think it's more of a differentiating point, so I'll definitely stick with incorporating it in the story.
DeleteAlso, dialogue has been the hardest part of writing for me. I always thought I knew how people spoke, but clearly not! I think my best bet now is to actually run these scenes through with my younger cousins, and ask them how they would respond. Times and lingo change too quickly :(
Thanks again for the feedback DKD! :)
Yay! I finally got to read a bit of your book and I love it! I'm really interested to read the whole thing. I love the math touch to your story. I like how Calden thinks about his family with an equation! Also, I wasn't confused about anything, like the others talked about. The convo is between Calden and Lorne right? And I'm kinda sad because I thought your manuscript would have a bit more of your story - at least a chapter. Anyways, congratulations on winning the competition.(no surprise here) And I really hope that you get your book published soon. Because I'm in need of a good adventure book.
ReplyDelete