TITLE: LIONCLAD
GENRE: Adult Contemporary
An ocean wave was coming to devour the Isle of Man.
Eoin Wade waited on the Tower of Refuge ramparts. The stout, neatly bricked fortress glowed red and green under artificial spotlights. It sat on a patch of stone and sand four hundred yards from the shoreline of Douglas, the Isle of Man’s capital city. On the horizon, the jagged outline of the English coast peeked through the mist above the approaching wave. Every breath brought the tide a meter closer. Sixty more breaths to go, if Eoin was lucky.
At Eoin’s back stood a line of three-storey Victorian guesthouses. Vacancy signs creaked on their hinges. Pigeons shuddered under flake-painted eaves. The pre-dawn sky was salmon flesh in colour. There was still time until silver-haired shoppers and leather-clad motorcyclists filled the promenade behind him. Provided that the ocean didn’t fill it first.
Black hair trailed from Eoin’s oilskin hood. Salty air rushed through his trimmed beard, making his face itch. Heavy metal screeched from the earbuds hanging from his shirt collar. To think there was once a time, a long, yawning river of time, when he couldn’t stuff his head with Motorhead or Thin Lizzy. Was it from so distant an age, when letting music leak from little sponges into your ears would’ve been considered witchcraft? Of course, the centuries had flown by since Eoin’s longship first caressed these sands. Too many.
The most pointless thoughts stirred in Eoin’s head when he was afraid.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hi! WOW, fantastic job with the setting / characters! I know we're in Victorian England, and I know there's some sort of fantasy element to it because there's a fortress and an enormous wave approaching. The only criticism I have is pacing. We've created this great sense of tension in the opening line - a wave to destroy Isle of Man! - but the sense of urgency gets lost in the description of the surroundings. Would there be any way to include those descriptions while keep up the pacing and drama? Maybe have him talk about how the wall will destroy fortress and x,y,x, that way we have stakes along with the urgent event of the wave! I hope these suggestions help! :)
ReplyDeleteI love your set up! Beautiful details. I would start with an action verb in that first line, like "An ocean wave rushed to devour the Isle of Man." Instead of "was coming". I also thought there were a few too many adjectives midway through. They are all descriptive and wonderful, so I know hard to cut a few, but the number of them impeded the pacing a bit. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteThe setting is great and the descriptions are vivid, makes you feel like you're there. You may want to include some action. Something should also be happening, just to balance the beautiful scene. Otherwise, i look to forward to reading the rest.
ReplyDeleteAs others have said, I love the details. You have quite the way with words. I like the pigeons shuddering and the salmon flesh colored sky.You could consider adding other sensory details-- like smells or sounds-- this feels mainly visual.
ReplyDeleteAlso, your opening sentence is pretty powerful-- but then things slow down. Maybe adding a hint of tension into this description would keep us reading. Maybe include him counting his breaths, since you mention that.
I think your descriptions work well here.
ReplyDeleteBecause this is adult fiction, I think a slow beginning works. We are more patient than young adults. However, I feel somewhat cheated with that killer opening line. It is lost as my imagination fills to paint a picture of Eoin and his thoughts.
Also, it may only be me, but Eoin Wade waited tripped me. Is there another verb to use? Eoin Wade stood...squatted...shivered...etc.
I agree about the fantasy elements hiding here. The centuries-old ship suggests Eoin is ageless...maybe? I'm just confused/curious.
I love the voice. The way you describe his surroundings. Just nice. Good luck
ReplyDeleteThat last line made me sit up. I would make it sentence #2, and change the order of the rest, so it goes:
ReplyDeleteAn ocean wave was coming to devour the Isle of Man.
The most pointless thoughts stirred in Eoin’s head when he was afraid.
Black hair trailed from Eoin’s oilskin hood. Salty air rushed through his trimmed beard, making his face itch. Heavy metal screeched from the earbuds hanging from his shirt collar. To think there was once a time, a long, yawning river of time, when he couldn’t stuff his head with Motorhead or Thin Lizzy. Was it from so distant an age, when letting music leak from little sponges into your ears would’ve been considered witchcraft? Of course, the centuries had flown by since Eoin’s longship first caressed these sands. Too many.
At Eoin’s back stood a line of three-storey Victorian guesthouses. Vacancy signs creaked on their hinges. Pigeons shuddered under flake-painted eaves. The pre-dawn sky was salmon flesh in colour. There was still time until silver-haired shoppers and leather-clad motorcyclists filled the promenade behind him. Provided that the ocean didn’t fill it first.
Eoin Wade waited on the Tower of Refuge ramparts. The stout, neatly bricked fortress glowed red and green under artificial spotlights. It sat on a patch of stone and sand four hundred yards from the shoreline of Douglas, the Isle of Man’s capital city. On the horizon, the jagged outline of the English coast peeked through the mist above the approaching wave. Every breath brought the tide a meter closer. Sixty more breaths to go, if Eoin was lucky.
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The purpose of the rearrangement would be to focus on Eoin first. Get in close with the thoughts in his head, then pull back to get a sense of the context--his setting, what's coming, etc. Readers want to identify with characters, so the sooner you can get Eoin in front of them, the better. All that beautiful description is most meaningful after we know what it means to him.
An intriguing start. I hope to see more one day!
That's a killer opening line, but then you don't do anything with it. A wave is coming in that will wipe out the Isle of Man. It will crush them in 60 breaths of time. And what does the mc do? He admires the scenery.
ReplyDeleteIf you're going to start with that wave, perhaps the mc should react to it. Is he worried about all the people who will die? Does he do anything to try and save them? Or could he care less, as long as he's all right? We should be seeing chaos and confusion here, or perhaps a peaceful resignation if there's nothing he can do. We should see that wave getting closer and closer.
Or, do all the description first, then when you're done with it, let the mc notice the wave, and get on with the action. As is, the description, while nice, totally kills the impact of that first line, as well as the pacing, tension,and suspense. Perhaps rethink this opening a bit.
Great job of introducing the fantasy element. The wave gets our attention, but the fact that the mc had past lives, or has lived for thousands of years, is your hook, I think.
Lovely imagery and use of language to set the. Your prose engages my senses, so you've drawn me in.
ReplyDeleteThe thing tbat stood out was the musical reference. This made me curious about time.
Holy cow! I want to read this now! It has a timeless feeling. The way it goes back and forth between seeming ancient and seeming modern is amazing. I can't think of any constructive criticism here, it felt like I was reading a book that's already published. Good luck with this!
ReplyDeleteWow, I like it. I really like it. The descriptions were amazing and I like how you incorporated the fact that Eoin’s an alien (I’m guessing time lord since he has a ship and all and centuries have passed lol).
ReplyDeleteI would work on the sentence “Was it from so distant an age…” It threw me out of the story briefly because to me it read kind of funny.
Thanks for entering!
The imagery beautifully written l in this intro. I really don't have any suggestions--I just want to know what will happen next! Very nice job.
ReplyDeleteLove your tone and imagery. Want to read this book.
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much for your feedback and taking the time to read my entry. We're all busy people so please know how much I appreciate it! :)
ReplyDeleteFirst thing's first--the imagery on this page is BEAUTIFUL. Your opening line is killer. I do agree that perhaps you should consider giving us more of a glimpse into Eoin's feelings about the island getting devoured. Is he concerned? Smug? And why is the wave coming? On that note, I'm very intrigued by Eoin and can't wait to see more of him.
ReplyDeleteI am totally drawn into this place and the impending invasion of the ocean. But, I am a little confused as to why tourists will be filling the streets soon if the streets will soon be under water. I'm also confused by this being Contemporary, yet Eoin seems to originate from a long ago time and perhaps be possessed of visions of the future, which sounds more along the magical realism or fantasy lines.
ReplyDeleteI do want to know why he stands watch, waiting for impending doom, with a sense of resignation/controlled fear. I'm just curious about him, period.
Best of luck!