TITLE: Accidentally Cursed
GENRE: YA Fairytale retelling
The MC is wearing cursed shoes that will not come off and her love interest is attempting to "distract" her to see if that will help:
“We have to get your mind focused elsewhere.” He glanced around the rooftop. “While you’re distracted, I’ll slip off the shoes.”
“Okay,” I agreed, willing to try anything.
He scooted off the crate onto to the rooftop and had me sit facing him. “Now close your eyes.”
I did. “What do I focus on?”
“This.” His voice was close. So close. I felt him cup my cheek, and my stomach went fuzzy, a ribbon of warmth unspooling slowly inside me. His breath warmed my mouth a moment before his lips followed. Every part of me glowed. He pulled back slightly, and my eyes fluttered open.
“Is this okay?” He asked, his mouth still hovering near mine.
“Better than okay,” I grinned, tilting my head for more.
He smiled. “Close your eyes.” He pressed his smile to my lips. He tasted sweet, like licorice. With his arms wrapped around me, the closeness of his body stirred every fiber of my being to life. My fingers tangling in his hair felt like it was our hearts tangled up together. And when his hands traveled my spine to the small of my back and inched me closer, his heart was right there, pressed flat against mine, pulsing and strong and eclipsing everything but the sparkling connection between us.
His hand gliding down to my ankle was barely a blip on my awareness. He eased off first one shoe then the other.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think this is a decent scene but could better with fewer cliches and less flowery language. Be more straightforward about what's happening. For instance the line "every part of me glowed" made me cringe. Things to consider: how is the mc feeling? She shocked when he leans in. Flinching when he kisses her just because she wasn't expecting. You say his arms are wrapped around her in one of the last paragraphs but don't say when that happened. I just think it's been more likely to leave a reader breathless with more details and less "stirring every inch of my being to life"
ReplyDeleteI'd like to read more
ReplyDeleteWow! I’m hooked, I need more.
ReplyDeleteTiny nit-picks:
- Need a lower case on “he” following the dialogue in the 6th paragraph.
- Her response broke the mood a little and made it hard for me to sink back in. Could be her personality and if I’d known her prior to this moment, I might not mind. But she spoiled it a little bit, I wanted her to not answer, just the non-verbal of tilting her head for more.
- The 8th paragraph is a little disjointed. I loved the imagery starting at the spine bit, that was beautiful, the rest of the paragraph leading up to it could better. The hair tangling like hearts didn’t quite work as well as I wanted it to, it made me think of the veins and everything else coming off the heart which made it more gross than romantic.
- Sparkling like glitter or sparking like electricity?
Favorite part: “my stomach went fuzzy, a ribbon of warmth unspooling slowly inside me.” Swoon!
I totally agree with KP17 about my favourite line! "Warmth unspooling slowly inside me," was powerful. Loved it!
ReplyDeleteThere were some really nice sections on this page. The whole paragraph following the word "This," was really beautiful.
I do agree with KC17 that "felt like our hearts tangled together," was a bit jarring. That line felt a bit over the top.
Thanks! I really appreciate everyone who commented. This is very helpful! :)
ReplyDeleteI have 3 suggestions: 1) when he scoots of the crate onto the rooftop I don’t have a sense of where she is sitting. 2) “his closeness stirred every fiber of my being to life.” I suggest an awareness of every part of her. I’m thinking of when people have a hard workout and say muscles they didn’t know they had hurt. The way he makes her feel causes her to be aware of parts of herself she hasn’t noticed. Honestly, every fiber of my being is trite the way “as white as snow” is. I don’t want to be harsh, it just doesn’t evoke imagery or feeling the way the rest of your piece does. 3) “His hand gliding down my ankle” is sentuous and brings us back to the point of the scene, maybe the idea of the story. It feels more accurate that she is very aware of that rather than “barely a blip.”
ReplyDeleteThose are 3 minor suggestions. You create some good feelings and visuals with your description.
I really like the idea behind this, and the solution to getting her shoes off. I also agree about the 'unspooling' sentence. Very nice imagery.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get why he glanced around the rooftop, and it seems to get in the way of things. Perhaps cut it.
I felt him cup my cheek is passive. Don't tell us what your characters are doing. Have them do it. He cupped my cheek.
Every part of me glowed. What does that mean? Say that instead. Same for stirred every fiber of my being. These are romance novel cliches.
And would his lips really taste like licorice?
Perhaps reconsider barely a blip, as it doesn't seem to fit the mood you're creating.
All this is small stuff. Overall, the scene works.
Also loved the ribbon of warmth unspooling.
ReplyDeleteTake out the word "felt" and go with "He cupped my cheek." You have another "felt" when her fingers are tangled in his hair. Can you take it out and make it stronger?
If she was into the first kiss, I thought he wouldn't have to tell her to close her eyes again. She'd probably do it automatically, yearning for another one! That one piece dialog took me out of the scene for a brief second.
I loved that the shoes slipped off easily. She was definitely distracted. Tweak a few things and you've got a terrific first kiss scene! Way to go!
[crate onto to the rooftop]
ReplyDeleteA typo there.
Also, licorice is one of the most divisive flavors on the planet, next to cilantro and mayo-on-frites. I am one of the licorice haters. If a kiss tasted like licorice, yuck!
Unless they are locking tongues, do kisses have such a strong taste unless lip balm is involved? I understand we need to include lots of sensory information, but sometimes this gets pushed too far or overloads a scene. Use sensory info, but be selective.
It's a great scene though. I found it engaging, despite the licorice ;)