TITLE: Seeking Sara Sterling
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Sara's long time boyfriend just broke up for her (a week before high school graduation) and now she's reckless and on the rebound, going after her hot co-worker, Alex.
Almost as if in slow motion, he turned, and his dark eyes seared into hers.
Her arm tingled as she reached out to him. To her surprise, he took her hand and let her pull him into the women’s restroom. She locked the door again, her heart racing a million miles an hour.
His face read mixture of seduction and surprise. “What?” he simply asked, one side of his mouth twisting up every so slightly.
Sara wasn’t in the mood to talk though. It was now or never. She pressed her palms against his chest, pushing him up against the door. His eyes widened and then he smiled. That beautiful, maddening smile. God, she hated him for making her do this. But she was like a train running full steam down a mountain. There was no way to stop now.
“Shut up,” she said, and smashed her lips against his. He must have known it was coming because he kissed her back, like this had been his idea instead of hers.
Surprisingly, Sara’s heart rate slowed, but now her brain was going haywire. Colors and lights flashed behind her closed eyelids. She willed herself to focus and found one thing stood out above everything else. The taste of his lips. God, he tasted good. Like warm cinnamon and honey. The flavor seeped into her own mouth and spread throughout her body, making her tingle in places she never knew she could. She pressed harder against him, letting her hands slide around the back of his neck.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I reallly like this! Especially the kiss itself masterfully written. A few gripes would just be "his face read mixture of seduction and surprise" you're missing "a" there and I don't love the description of using "seduction" it doesn't feel like he's seducing her so it's strange but admittedly it could of course make more sense in the scene as a whole. Lastly "but she was like a train running full steam down a mountain" that description pulled me out a little. Maybe just "down the track" instead of mountain?
ReplyDeleteBut I really loved this overall!
I had similar gripes about this as Shayla. The word seduction for him tripped me up, because it seemed way more like she was seducing him. Other than that, this was a very well-written kiss. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteWOW! Brilliant from start to steamy finish!
ReplyDeleteOverall, well done. I got the sense that love was not her motivation. It will be interesting to see if something real does develop between them.
ReplyDeleteJust a couple things for me. The phrase "His face read mixture of seduction and surprise" through me off. It made me try to imagine what a face would look like with those two emotions, so it took me out of the story.
The other line that took me out of the story was "God, he tasted good. Like warm cinnamon and honey." A persons mouth does not naturally taste like that. My thought was what had he just eaten? Maybe they work at Cinnabon or he had eaten a breath mint before hand.
I really like this. My critique is about the qualifiers:
ReplyDeleteSurprisingly, her heart slowed- it feels more powerful for me as a reader if her heart slowed and her mind raced. And I know I'm only this picky because it's a few sentences- but the writer uses the word tingle 2x and may want to consider a different way of saying that.
I'm totally on board and glad she kissed him.
This was a fun scene/ kiss to read. You give the sense that neither one of the characters are in this for a relationship, but there is a lot of heat and attraction there. I agree with what both Cyndi and Shayla had to say about wording. Otherwise, well written and fun to read.
ReplyDeleteThere is good energy in this scene. I like the way you describe the conflict, she knows she shouldn’t do it but it’s too late to back out. I was confused about “she hated him for making her do this.” Is that referring to her boyfriend or Alex? It’s really good description, I can visualize the scene.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comments! I will certainly keep all of these in mind as I edit. :-)
ReplyDelete