TITLE: In This Fateful Hour
GENRE: YA Supernatural
If Marielle believes the rumors about Lucca, she should stay as far away from him as she can. If she believes the half-remembered tales her dad used to tell her of angels and demons, she should stay even further away. But she can't seem to stay away from him at all. And she doesn't want to.
Suddenly the car was too small, the air too stuffy. I got out, sucking in the fresh air. The cold stung, freezing my lungs. It felt good.
The front door opened, creaking in the cold, and Lucca emerged. He pulled the door closed behind him and stuffed his hands in his pockets as he shuffled toward me through the snow. He stopped a few feet away and considered me. He must have known better than to say ‘Merry Christmas.’ No sunglasses today. He trapped my eyes with his.
I held my breath while my heart thumped against my ribs. His eyes softened, releasing me. He moved closer. My back pressed against the car.
The truth my dad wanted me to take on faith might have stormed away angry yesterday, or he might be standing so close I could feel his breath on my skin.
“Who are you?”
Lucca rested his hands on the roof of the car on either side of me and bowed his head. All I could see of his eyes were their white lashes.
“I don’t know anymore. I look in your eyes and see your soul and I am utterly undone.”
“What does that mean?” My voice was a whisper. Utterly undone.
“It means I should leave.”
“What happens if you don’t leave?”
“I’m more afraid of what happens if I do.” His warm breath melted the tears stinging my cheeks.
Sunlight trickled into the clearing through high clouds. Lucca’s white hair shone, his pale eyes sparkled.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hi there!
ReplyDeleteP1: I’d cut “freezing my lungs” because it feels a little dramatic when combined with the other sentences in this paragraph.
P2: I’d cut “cold’ here because you used it in the last paragraph. Can you pull a door close after you get out of the car? I think you need “shut” or something similar instead.
P3: I get the impression Lucca is a vampire. Reason why is because of the mention of sunglasses and the “releasing me” part.
P4: I think there’s a word or two missing here. It’s the first clause, making it sound like the truth is storming away and not the dad. (Or Marielle.)
P5: Who’s saying this?
P6: Guy is def a vampire.
P8: I agree with her. I’m not sure what “utterly undone” means.
P11: I guess it’s the context thing again, but with the way he’s standing over her and trapping her against the car, her crying seems to be out of fear for herself, not fear of him leaving.
P12: Guy is maybe not a vampire.
I hope some of this helps. Good luck and happy writing!
First, the into was excellently written. Hopefully it is part of your query.
ReplyDeleteNot having all the context made this a little confusion however, mostly I thought it was very, very good.
I don't know what "utterly undone" means but I'm interested.
It was weird that his breath melted the tears on her face. First I thought maybe that was a "power." Now it kind of seems he has really bad breath.
There are at least two places with commas before and/or that I don't think need to be there.
These are small things. I liked it a great deal.
I thought the scene got better further into it. The first part took me a moment to get into, but the last part created the tension between the characters. I assume he's a vampire.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. It has some rough spots, but I could feel the connection between them, and you've got a certain tone and rhythm in the last half that creates a bit of mood. I loved utterly undone.
ReplyDeleteThe 2nd parg was a bit confusing because I thought they were both in the car. It took 4-5 reads to get she came alone, and he came out of the house. Probably not an issue, since someone who reads from the start will get that.
In parg 3 her back presses against the car. Perhaps say I pressed my back against the car, since her back cannot act on its own. And choose a better verb in the sentence where he moves closer. Did he shuffle, step, inch? Moved is a weak verb.
Rethink parg 4. It doesn't make sense as is.
Parg 8 say I whispered. My voice was a whisper is telling.
In the parg where he melts her tears, you may want to make it evident that she's crying first. Nothing in the excerpt shows her crying. Make it evident if it hasn't been shown before this section you've subnitted.
Last parg. Does he live in a clearing? I imagined they were in a neighborhood.
I agree, I had to reread paragraph four to get it to make sense. But overall, I thought there was great tension and I thought the writing was good too. As others said: 'Utterly undone' is gold; it really gives you insight into the tension :)
ReplyDeleteI didn’t feel this as sexual tension so much as romantic tension? But I did feel it, so good job. Anyway – as other have said, para #4 is rough. I kind of understand what it means, but the wording is awkward. OTOH, the first para is great! I’m fine with “freezing my lungs,” I thought it did the job it was meant to do and showed the narrator's intensity of feeling in the moment.
ReplyDelete