Title: Rewriting History
Adult Contemporary Romance
Camilla and Ellis meet again after an errant kiss and a two-year separation.
Camilla reached for her wallet to pay for a much-needed cup of tea. Only her bag wasn't there.
“S***.”
“How about you add her order to mine? I’ll take a cappuccino, please.”
Ellis Jones materialized at her elbow pushing a crisp twenty across the counter. She swallowed hard while her stomach did a little flip.
“Thank you. Again. Seems you’re destined to come to my aid.”
Ellis nodded. “Was it sprained?” He peered at her sock-covered foot. Under his gaze, each of the Hello Kitties scattered across the toe seemed to shrivel up from embarrassment. She wanted to do the same.
“Mildly.”
They moved away from the counter. Ellis slowed to match her hobbled gait.
“I’m Ellis, by the way.” His eyes were even bluer than she remembered.
“Camilla Tanner.” She watched his face carefully but the expression never changed. Something in her sank a little. He didn’t remember.
“Where are you headed?”
“I have a Public Policy presentation in a half-hour.”
A tapping overhead drew their attention. A frantic Sunny leaned over the railing tapping his wrist. ‘Hurry up,’ he mouthed.
“Team member,” Camilla added in explanation. “If I don’t hurry, there’ll be fighting over the slide fonts again.”
“Never underestimate the power of a good font.”
“Ah, but which one? Arial or Calibri?”
“No contest. I’m an economist, we scoff at Calibri.”
She swore his lips quirked. Oh, two could play this game.
“Really?" She tilted her head. "I’m more of a Baskerville girl myself.”
“Baskerville? As in hounds?” Ellis laughed, and she nearly melted. “That’s not a real font. You’re joking.”
“It is!” She grinned and tucked her hair behind her ear. “But, I am.”
Wide-eyed and smiling, he looked so boyish. And adorable. Camilla stared at the floor to hide her s***-eating grin.
Miss Snark's First Victim
A few technical things...watch for filter words (watched), repeated words (tapping). And I was unsure - he introduces himself, so does that mean she didn't already know his name? If so, he needs to be referred to as "the man" (or the like) until he says his name. That said, I was intrigued. At first I thought they'd just met with her ankle injury prior, but your lead-in says an errant kiss 2 years prior? So my interest is captured by that. I enjoyed the banter over fonts. Sensual, but cute. Perhaps utilize a few other senses? Sounds/smell? And instead of saying boyish or adorable - show it more? I liked it though and would be eager to read more! :)
ReplyDeleteI love everything about this (their names, the banter). I'm definitely hooked and smiling. Here are just a few comments:
ReplyDeleteA person's coffee order can speak volumes about them. The calorie-conscious may add "skinny" to their order. People who never stop may request an extra shot of espresso. ETC. Is this really Ellis' go-to order? Or can you use this opportunity to tell us more about him simply using what he orders?
Ellis Jones materialized at her elbow pushing a crisp twenty across the counter.
--Love this! Materialized. Awesome.
She swallowed hard while her stomach did a little flip.
--I'm tempted to tell you to stick just stomach flipping. If you're like me, you may use swallowing a tad too much when describing behavior.
Under his gaze, each of the Hello Kitties scattered across the toe seemed to shrivel up from embarrassment. She wanted to do the same.
--LOVE IT. PERFECTION.
“Really?" She tilted her head. "I’m more of a Baskerville girl myself.”
“Baskerville? As in hounds?” Ellis laughed, and she nearly melted. “That’s not a real font. You’re joking.”
“It is!” She grinned and tucked her hair behind her ear. “But, I am.”
--Can she say something to qualify the fact that she is joking? It IS in fact a real font, but I am also joking. "That font is way too old-fashioned for all the millennials in the office." Something clever. Because otherwise it may be unclear how the font can be real but she still be joking. I don't know. What does everyone else think?
You might also mention what exactly is so melt-inducing about his laugh. Is it the way his nose crinkles? The sound he makes? If you throw in some specifics, we'll fall for him a little, too.
Well done.
Dammit, I LIKE Baskerville!!! (I really do! I use it often, but not for writing.) There's a lot of great tension in this section, but I really particularly like this part:
ReplyDelete“Camilla Tanner.” She watched his face carefully but the expression never changed. Something in her sank a little. He didn’t remember.
Ugh! Tug at my heartstrings! Why doesn't he remember??? Leave it to the boys to not show any recognition. Figures!
I really like this! Nicely done.
Great pacing. It was fun and light to read through this snippet.
ReplyDeleteA few questions popped as I read through this portion:
- Does Camilla already know Ellis' name? He introduces himself as if she doesn't.
- While this banter is fun, does she not worry about where her bag/wallet is?
- Perhaps this was set up prior to this scene snippet, but if she's injured and has a sock-covered foot (love the Hello Kitties!), is she on crutches? - how will she carry her tea?- Or... It was my understanding that foot/ankle injuries not requiring crutches would have a light boot for stability and protection of the injured extremity. Or an air cast. So are her toes exposed with the boot on?
Additional suggestions:
- I love the actual dialog. Fun! Perhaps consider removing a couple of paragraph breaks or adding a couple of dialog tags to help readers stay clear on who is speaking. Also, leaving a line of dialog all by itself can have a lot of impact in a scene for pacing but only if you do it sparingly. Choosing to do it a lot, as in this scene, means you can't use this technique during a particularly tense moment.
- As this is Contemporary Romance, perhaps feather in even more attraction. For example, after the sentence "She swallowed hard while her stomach did a little flip." You could choose to add a bit of Deep POV to indicate how much more intensely attractive he is to her in real life as opposed to memory. It's not a repetition of information, but it is a piece of insight related to the physical reaction your showing us.
My favorite line: "Something in her sank a little. He didn’t remember."
Really enjoyed the impact of that.
Ultimately, if I picked up this book and landed on this page, I probably would read another page to see if I was drawn in more but I am not quite hooked yet.
I enjoyed this!
ReplyDeleteI think the main thing I'd look at filtering through was a physical description of Ellis. It sounds like they have a history, so depending on what that entails, she may be comparing him Then vs Now, which we would see in the physical traits. Broad or lean, tall or short, dark hair or light, and how that makes her feel. How he smells, since they're close. How his voice sounds and her physical reaction to it. If this is our first intro to him as a reader, you definitely want to go for broke so we're already prepared to fall for him right alongside Camilla.
The dialogue is great, though! You get a definite feel for the characters, which is a good portion of the battle.
I love a good banter, although I do wonder how long she'll go without worrying about where her purse is... I think somebody already pointed out the close repetition of grins and tappings (I do that too, it's something you'll want to watch for throughout the MS!). And while the Hello Kitty bit is a lovely metaphor, you kill it by explaining it in the next sentence. I recommend cutting "She wanted to do the same," and trusting the reader to figure it out.
ReplyDeleteIf Ellis actually doesn't remember her (and isn't pretending for some reason), you might want to add an adverb to "Ellis nodded." Something like, "Ellis nodded absently and peered at her sock-covered foot," maybe, just to clarify that the "again" part went over his head.
Overall, this is entertaining and I'd likely keep reading.
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ReplyDelete