TITLE: For the Love of a Child
GENRE: Adult Suspense
Pearl has killed Betty’s abusive ex-husband, worried that he knew they switched the baby of a famous actress with another. When Brandon (a Private Investigator with a crush on Betty) arrives and starts pounding on the door asking if Betty is okay, Pearl tells Betty to get rid of him.
“Betty, don’t —”
I pulled him down by the lapels, stood on my tiptoes and brought my mouth to his. I felt his body tense for half a second, then his arms were around me. I kissed him hard, hungrily, letting all the emotion of the day empty from my body into his. I felt him respond to me, felt the muscles in his body tense. He kissed me back. His effort matched mine and then surpassed it. For that moment in time, all thoughts of babies and actresses and dead husbands disappeared. There was only the two of us, fusing into one.
After what must have been minutes, I reluctantly pulled away. My arms were wrapped around Brandon’s neck, something I didn’t remember doing. His hot breath heated my face as he brought his forehead down to touch mine. Part of me didn’t want to move, but Pearl’s last order stuck in my brain. Get him out of here.
“Get me out of here.” My hands moved down to his chest and found his heartbeat. It raced almost as fast as mine. “Let’s go. Anywhere. Just not here.”
He didn’t let go of me, but I saw his eyes move back to the front door. I tilted my head up and kissed him again. Gently this time, just for a moment.
“Please, get me out of here.”
He kept one arm around me as he led the way to his car.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This was a suspenseful, heart-pounding, fast scene. I liked the intensity of it.
ReplyDeleteBe mindful of filter words, especially "felt" (others include see, heard, etc.). Look at where you have felt, and see how you can re-write.
Eyes - use gaze/look instead - eyes can't move literally to the door and that's how it reads. Body parts do funny things. Be careful with that :)
His effort "surpassing mine" - can you expand upon this? What did he do. Show us a bit more.
I love the layers of emotion in this scene. There's so much going on beyond what's actually happening. One of the things I always wonder in books is when the author says that the person poured all their emotion or emptied all their emotions into a kiss. I never quite understand how one does that, though a lot of authors do say it. The kiss itself is great. But when she pulls back, I don't have a sense of why she does this. The last thing you told us was that all her thoughts disappeared. What crept back to make her break the kiss? I enjoyed the way you transitioned her getting him out of there to them getting out of there together. Thanks for being brave and letting your work be posted like this!
ReplyDeleteThere are some really good parts in this piece. But... There are some things I didn’t understand. Like...what was going on. The MC was supposed to be there to make this guy leave. Okay, I get that part but she kisses him instead. Maybe the lead in info was too vague or not worded right. Still, I didn’t feel any real emotion from the MC or this dude she was kissing. But lust. But maybe that was the point: Lust. Good luck with it.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this! "I felt his body tense for half a second, then his arms were around me" was probably my favorite line. There was a lot going on in that one simple line. I also really love how Pearl's order in her head turns into her own voice, "get me out of here." The only thing I would change was "fusing into one." I think it might be more powerful ending that paragraph with "There was only the two of us." Overall I really enjoyed your voice and pacing here.
ReplyDeleteNicely written and good job describing the intensity of their kiss. Maybe it's included in the full scene, but make sure you explain why Betty decides to kiss him. It doesn't seem the best strategy for getting him out of there :) But I can definitely imagine that all the stress combined with her (most likely) pre-existing feelings for Brandon would lead her to just make a crazy decision. Let your readers experience that decision with her.
ReplyDeleteDuring the kiss, my only nitpick is "He kissed me back." It feels too short and too simple to get its own line in the middle of all the rest of it. Consider tacking it on to the line before it: "I felt him respond to me, felt the muscles in his body tense as he kissed me back."
This line was great: "For that moment in time, all thoughts of babies and actresses and dead husbands disappeared."
A few things:
ReplyDelete1) You use the word tense twice in the second paragraph. I would remove one of these.
2) Don't give the action to the body art (ie, "My hands moved ...").
3) I'd be careful with how weak she is acting. She asks him to get her out of there and then has him lead her away. Is she incapable of getting herself out of there? I'd rather see her take the lead here, especially when it's HER idea to leave.
4) The lines "Get him out of here./ “Get me out of here" are too similar and come across as repetitive. Try to reword one so it doesn't sounds like she's just repeating what she just thought.
Holly
Your comments/critiques are so insightful! I loved ready all 15. Helpful notes to ensure we all work harder to make our prose better. Thanks so much:)
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