TITLE: The Gentleman's Farm
GENRE: Adult Women's Fiction
In an attempt to get her sexy know-it-all neighbor Evan out of her head, Mika takes a bottle of wine to her front porch and calls a local radio station, asking them to play a song to capture her feelings of frustration with a man. Evan hears, and storms over to her house.
“What the hell was that about?” He demanded as he stomped up the steps.
“What are you talking about?”
“That business on the radio! Was that because of me?”
“Who the hell else would it be about?”
He put his hands on the sides of her face and bent his head to capture her mouth in his. He kissed her lightly, then with more fervor. Deeper and deeper. She felt her resolve weakening, her knees softening and the heat rising in her.
“Make no mistake, Mika. I am undoubtedly attracted to you. I refuse to fall for someone who is just going to up and leave in a year. It’s not a smart business decision.”
Just as quickly as he’d ignited passion, he’d brought on her anger.
“Business decision? Since when is dating a business decision?”
“Since the beginning of time! All I’m saying is, all I do is all in and I’m not the type to just do a summer fling.”
He kissed her one more time and then jogged down her steps, leaving her even more horny and frustrated.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This kiss seems very angry and abrupt and doesn't match Evan's words. I like the anger-desperation-fueled kiss but it could be polished up a bit more to make it less abrupt, more longing. Perhaps clean up some of the dialogue, and add in some sort of tenderness, longing in that kiss, even if it is in anger/frustration. I would clean up the "Make no mistake" paragraph, too. He can sigh, be winded from that hot kiss, show sadness/resignation in his voice or face as he says the words. Stumble. And instead of telling us she's angry, show us.
ReplyDeleteDescribe the kiss more. Lay some emotion in there (the deeper and deeper part).
Not sure I feel he needs to kiss her one more time especially after what he just told her. He can step away, reluctantly, seeking something (atonement, absolution, validation?) from her, not get it, and lumber away.
I like how the scene unfolds, with her making the relatively innocent decision to call a radio station, and them him storming back. The actual kiss didn't seem to match what's going on. He's angry when he comes back, but starts by kissing her lightly. Then her resolve is weakening, but from later, it seems like he's the one resolved not to date her because she's going to be leaving. (I understand that this might make more sense if I read the rest of the book; I'm just telling you what strikes me). His dialog about "All I'm saying is, all I do is all in..." is cumbersome. "All" is said three times in a short bit of time, and it makes it difficult to read. I like how they clash in this scene, and I like what they're saying with the dialog, though it could use a bit more polishing. Thanks for being brave and sending this out for the world to see!
ReplyDeleteYou've built a lot of intense emotion into this scene (good!), but the shifts in emotion could be smoother. I was shocked when he grabbed her face and kissed her following the angry exchange of words. There needs to be a beat, something to signal the change in the direction of the emotion. Could they lock eyes for a minute? Could he say something quiet, intense but less angry? The kiss is described well, but then again afterward, the dialogue is abrupt. What makes them part? How do they part? Who initiates the parting? I don't think he needs to say he's attracted to her (he just planted one on her). How about something like, "No matter how much I like you, I don't want to fall..." Using "I don't want to" or something similar that shows his internal struggle might come across softer, less angry, with more room for potential romance.
ReplyDeleteI hope that helps. Good luck!
I agree that this comes off as a little too angry. Perhaps this is because we don't have the lead up, but it feels like we don't see her wanting to kiss him before he does it which makes it feel too much like he's forcing himself on her. If the part before this shows this, it may be fine. If it doesn't, you need to make sure we know she wants this (and not just because she's horny!)
ReplyDeleteHolly
I thought this was kind of confusing, he listens to the radio, stomps over to house, angrily kisses her and then leaves. The kiss just didn't seem to blend naturally with the dialog going on around it.
ReplyDeleteAlso some description would be nice, anything to provide some visual cues - is she drinking red wine or white, is he wearing faded blue jeans or a business suit, is it blinding sunshine or pouring rain...stuff like that - as right now I feel like this is all happening in a white space.
Beware of filter phrases distancing the reader from what the character is experiencing. There’s quite a few reactions Mika is having and all of them are filtered through “she felt” rather than more actively sharing that her resolve weakened ad her knees softened as heat rose. Also, rose where? Her cheeks? Her chest? Her belly?
ReplyDeleteAlso, dialog is good, but it can sometimes be even better with context of what a character’s expression looks like or tone of voice sounds like to accompany what is said - either to contrast or to enhance. It also helps the reader keep track of who is saying what.
This is a sharp interaction and interesting. I’d suggest bringing the reader closer into what the POV character is experiencing here.