TITLE: Will of Time
GENRE: Adult Speculative Fiction
Will is a former child prodigy and a current professor at MIT with growing feelings for his PhD student, Elise. Elise is in her final semester and has had her eye on Will for a long time. She's just given him a thoughtful Christmas gift and, not having planned on a gift exchange, he has nothing for her. He's all apologies. She silences him with a kiss.
Without warning, Elise leaned in and placed her lips upon mine, their softness momentarily stunning me. I reacted the only way I knew how. I leaned forward and kissed her back the way her professor most certainly should not. In over my head, I pulled her to me without further thought of right or wrong. I drank in her scent, her taste, every inch of her I could claim in some way.
She had initiated it, but I found myself turning the tables, pinning her to the door in our heated exchange, one hand seeking her cheek as the other pressed against her lower back, pulling her tighter to me. My tongue danced across her lips, still tasting of her last glass of Riesling, and she responded by sinking closer, demanding more. I had been stupid to think that my growing attraction to Elise wouldn’t end in disaster.
In a rush of emotion, Elise finally broke the kiss. Her glassy, dark eyes were filled with something I couldn’t identify. Warning? Regret? Satisfaction? Even assaulted by guilt, there wasn’t a single part of me that didn’t want more. Had I been invited, I would have followed her into the apartment and into her bedroom without a second thought. God, she tasted as good as she smelled.
James. I shut my eyes. Jesus, Will. What were you thinking? A moment like that…
And my first thoughts were about her goddamn boyfriend?
Miss Snark's First Victim
Good scene! I love how he over-analyzes it, and for a prodigy brainy guy, it's hard for him to figure out something not so concrete. :) I like the sensory - the taste, the feel of her. Maybe add in what her scent was that drove him so mad.
ReplyDelete:-D He spends a good portion of the book harping on her cinnamon and citrus scent, so I tried not to overdo it during the kiss, too!
DeleteIt's a great first kiss, full of longing and passion. When she leans in and kisses him, he leaned forward and kissed her back. I'm a bit confused about the logistics, because if she's already kissing him, does he need to lean forward? Also, when he pins her against the door, then puts his hand in the small of her back, that also seemed odd logistically. I love that he's overthinking everything. I don't know his character, but it seems perfect, considering how you've described him. Thanks for being brave and letting your work be posted like this!
ReplyDeleteThanks - yes, I wondered about that myself when I read it for the 2,487th time. :-D
DeleteI will have to work on the physical movements here!
Really nicely written. Great characterization on Will. Consider taking out this line: "I reacted the only way I knew how." I think it's stronger going from "Without warning, Elise leaned in and placed her lips upon mine, their softness momentarily stunning me." to "I leaned forward and kissed her back the way her professor most certainly should not."
ReplyDeleteBecause that last line is really powerful and the "reacting the only way he knew" line isn't as strong, so it weakened the moment for me. I do agree with Doree about the logistics though. See if you can find something else for him to do besides him also leaning forward.
"In a rush of emotion" .. she broke the kiss. It's a little vague, and I'm not sure what to picture. What's the emotion that breaks the kiss? Are you saying it's sort of frenzied before breaking off? There's room to be more specific with the image there.
The last part, about his first thoughts being about her boyfriend, threw me a bit because he's been thinking all through this kiss (he was stupid for thinking it wouldn't end in disaster, trying to decipher the emotion in her eyes, thinking he'd go further if she wanted), so James actually felt pretty far down the list of thoughts to me.
I think you're right. It reads better without that line... Thanks!
DeleteAs for the boyfriend thing...it's a bit of a concern for him for most of the book, so I think it was the first maybe 'coherent' thought he had? I'll think about revising so it's more clear - thank you!
A few comments:
ReplyDelete1) I would be really careful about this premise. This should get him fired so if he's going to do it, we really need to see him considering this and REALLY trying to resist (he's going to lose a job at one of the most prestigious schools in the US...does it even make sense for him to risk that for a girl?) The fact that she has a boyfriend makes this even worse.
2) Don't give the action to the body part (ie,"My tongue danced across her lips").
3) The voice here is very feminine. I can't imagine a grown man ever describing his tongue as dancing.
Holly
Just wanted to pipe up here. Probably should have mentioned this in the lead-in...
Delete1. He's well aware of the consequences of having a relationship with a student and harps on it for a good portion of the book (but especially in the pages leading up to this scene), which is why he's never acted on his feelings. Don't want you to think this went unaddressed.
Also, James is her roommate, not her boyfriend, but Will made some assumptions early on and never actually knew this... One could say he's a bit socially inept at times.
2. & 3. - Noted - thanks!
Very good overall. If anything, there were a few lines that could be removed (rather than adding anything).
ReplyDeleteI agree with others that "leaned forward" doesn't quite work -- in my case it seemed a little too passive. I would think that something more in the lines of "pushed forward" or "pulled her to me" would work better. Same with the "danced across her lips". Something a little more forceful would seem to fit the mood better.
The only other wording I had trouble with was "their softness momentarily stunning me." I think if you delved more into his feeling/emotion -- rather than "stunning me", it would bring even more to your piece.
Again, very nice.