TITLE: Head Case
GENRE: YA Science Fiction/Fantasy
“I wish that I had a better prognosis for you, but these are the facts.”
He speaks as though he truly regrets the information he’s about to give, but the tone of his voice tells me otherwise. He lacks the sincerity someone about to tell the parents of an only child that their child will probably never wake up needs. I’ve never seen his face, but I don’t have to. I’ve learned to read people’s tones. Especially his. There is very little he cares about.
The child that will never wake up is me.
“Are you saying she’s going to be like this forever?” Mom’s voice trembles. I try not to imagine her reaching up to wipe tears gathering in her eyes. I wish that I could comfort her, but I can’t. I’m stuck inside my own mind.
Doctor Zaid clears his throat. “There is no way of knowing. Our tests prove that there is brain functionality. Which is good. It means that her brain is still functioning. It isn’t just a stem. By all counts, she should have woken up months ago, but here we are. Whatever is keeping her in the coma simply won’t let her go.”
Darkness.
My eyes are shut. With my eyes closed, I can’t see the doctor or the hospital room. I can’t see my parents faces. Nine months that I’ve been confined to the corners of my own mind.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Ooo, this gave me a good case of the shudders. I can imagine the main character's plight all too easily, unable to move while she hears everyone talking around her. I'm wondering if most of the book will take place with her in this situation. Hard to pull off, but intriguing to try.
ReplyDeleteA few phrasings seem a little awkward. The sentence beginning "He lacks the sincerity" is very long, and by the end of it I've forgotten how it started, or what "needs" is referring to. If you could rephrase it so there's fewer clauses within clauses, it would be more comprehensible. I would personally like the big reveal sentence to be flipped into "I am the child that will never wake up," but that's just my preference. Sometimes it's helpful to read a passage aloud to see if the phrasing flows the way you want it.
Good luck!
Thank you for the feedback and you're right. I always feel silly reading it out loud, but I definitely need to!
DeleteI feel the tension right away. I agree though that some sentences are a bit awkward as they are currently written. Certainly reading them out loud is a great way to help 'hear' the sentence. And important sentences like the big reveal need to give a lot of power and should be written cleanly. I wonder how old our heroine is? Is there a way you can add this? it will help me identify with her knowing if her 'voice' matches her age. Also, is it the 'darkness' that won't let her go? I love the idea that 'something' is keeping her in the coma...I'd read more!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the feedback. I'll see if I can work her age in their somehow. It didn't feel organic when I was editing it, so I left it as is. I appreciate the feedback though.
DeleteReally cool hook here! I’m intrigued to see what happens next and I hope that we leave the hospital room and enter into whatever world/place the patient is in quickly because I’m super curious about what is keeping her in a coma (I’m imagining that the darkness is the thing that’s keeping her there). I did wonder a little about the patient’s tone. If it’s been nine months and she knows that something is keeping her in a coma and she’s been confined to the corners of her mind, has she given up? She sounds resigned, which is fair, but I’m just curious. Is she fighting? Is she still trying to wiggle a finger or let her parents know she can hear them? Is she fighting the darkness? So lots of cool questions raised!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the feedback. This makes me so happy! And I'll work on making the voice stronger in the beginning.
DeleteI love this idea so much. I can imagine the MC lying in bed unable to communicate with parents or anyone else. The only probably I had was with her reaction to the situation. I think maybe we weren't given enough info on the MC's emotional response to the coma. She's snarky for sure but is she resigned to being in a coma now or is she still trying to wake herself? I think it's good we have questions. I think you've done a nice job with this. It reminds me of If I Stay. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the feedback! She is still trying to wake up so I'll have to add that. And I guess I need to read If I Stay. I haven't read it yet so I never considered it as a comp title.
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