TITLE: JOVE BRAND IS NEAR DEATH
GENRE: Adult Mystery
I was waiting in the wings with cold, soaked cotton trapped under my arms, staring out at a live studio audience with seven million viewers behind them, and like everything that had ever happened to me worth mentioning it was because of Near Death.
Bone dry under blaring, thousand degree spotlights and fourteen-million eyeballs, Collin Prestor – sorry, Sir Collin Prestor – made a tuxedo look like casual wear. There was acting and there was acting and then there was being able to control when you sweated. Whether it came with British blood or was the product of a Shakespearean theater pedigree I would never know. Lawndale wasn't exactly London.
Despite being thirty years behind his colleague, Niles Endsworth matched his mentor blow-for-blow, making up what he lost in polish with panache. He was the same vintage, bottled in a different generation, sculpted by a strict regimen designed to produce a physique like a special effect. Don't blame Niles. He was only giving the modern audience what they demanded in a hero. Unlike some narrators, only a thin sheen betrayed the junior man’s nerves, but that was the point. You'd be nervous too, said Niles’s wavering jawline, if you had been chosen to be the next Jove Brand.
They played their roles to the hilt, master and apprentice, with casual grace absent any trace of pretense. The production assistants could have ditched their que cards and grabbed a sandwich for all the good they were doing.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like your descriptions and references to the theater and the actors. I especially like this line: Lawndale wasn't exactly London." Maybe mention Lawndale, and then the state (assuming U.S.) so that we know exactly where the story takes place. My biggest bit of feedback is not knowing who the main character is or who the story is about. Right now I'm left wondering if the "star of your book" is your MC, Collin Prestor, or Niles. Also, since you're in first-person, be careful of your MC knowing things about other characters i.e. sweating, nerves, that he/she can't really know for sure. Thanks for sharing and good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to agree with the other commenter when it comes to the main character. I do love a lot of your descriptions, but it seems we're unsure of who we're supposed to be following here. My assumption is that there is some sort of interview going on, but what importance is this to the MC(?) recounting what he/she is seeing? And is this person nervous out of fear, hot lights, or what's being said on stage? Maybe just a little more definition to the opening and then you'd have something really nice I think.
ReplyDeleteI was also confused about the MC, and I also noticed a few lapses in POV, but I liked your description and opening lines. I would like more information about the MC narrator. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThere's lot of great description to give us character...perhaps this can be threaded through as the main character watches the performance(?). Otherwise it's a bit static of a description. Also, I do want to know if she's an actor who's on next.
ReplyDeleteLovely writing and great descriptions, but I left this a little confused. Who is I? I assumed initially this was an actor waiting for their cue, but then to have the others on stage described in such detail, I ultimately wasn’t sure. I wanted to be more grounded in this scene and not knowing who my anchor was threw me off a bit. I think it would help tremendously for the reader to get a better sense of their protagonist earlier on.
ReplyDeleteMoving this up to the second paragraph is a big improvement, thanks again!
DeleteI was waiting in the wings with cold, soaked cotton trapped under my arms, staring out at a live studio audience with seven million viewers behind them, and like everything that had ever happened to me worth mentioning it was because of Near Death.
I looked good for my age, trim in my salmon blazer over a baby blue button up and extra-wide brushed watercolor tie. For all intents and purposes I was born in this outfit and I had no doubt that I would be buried in it. At least the jacket hid any unsightly wet patches. I waited for my cue as the cold open started down the slow march towards doom.
Bone dry...
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ReplyDeleteThanks for your feedback everyone! I've clarified by swapping the next paragraph (which didn't make the 250 word cut) that introduced Ken, our erstwhile narrator, into the second paragraph. I think its a great change that doesn't hurt the flow. I also made it cue cards and not que cards. I am not sure why Word thinks I'm bilingual.
ReplyDelete