TITLE: The Bug Collector's Bucket List
GENRE: YA Contemporary
What the hell?
The question hasn’t stopped rattling through my brain ever since Mom and I snuck into the chapel and slid into the very last pew. There's a lot more important things to be worried about at the moment, but all I can think is What. The. Hell?
I mean, where does someone even get a bright green casket like that?
Grandpa was a weird duck—everyone knows that—but I definitely never saw this coming.
Mom shifts uncomfortably in her seat, pushing a strand of hair behind one ear for the hundredth time. It’s a nervous tic of hers. But I get it. Being here is beyond awkward for both of us.
Two rows ahead, an old lady with painted-on eyebrows turns to squint at us. She’s probably trying to figure out why we’re sitting in the back of the chapel instead of up front with the rest of the family. Maybe she doesn’t know the story. Or maybe she does and thinks my grandpa’s death is reason enough to move past it. Fact is, the rift in my family has held strong for nearly two decades now—since before my birth. And things won’t be changing anytime soon. I give her a whatcha-gonna-do-old-lady? look, and she turns back around.
Another hymn begins, and along with it, a chorus of off-key voices. Neither mom nor I join in. Instead, I stare at my shoes. Maybe gray converse and black jeans were the wrong choice for today.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Like it! Great voice, good intrigue. Watch vague words like ever, even, very, beyond. Could cut specific phrases throughout like "like that", "with it", "for today".
ReplyDeleteI really like your voice! This makes me want to know more about your mc. One thought, maybe cut -
ReplyDeleteOr maybe she does and thinks my grandpa’s death is reason enough to move past it. Fact is, the rift in my family has held strong for nearly two decades now—since before my birth. And things won’t be changing anytime soon.
- it might take out some telling and tighten the paragraph. Then add- the rift in my family has held strong for nearly two decades - at the end of that paragraph. Just an idea!
Love the bright green casket detail! Where do you get one????
ReplyDeleteMaybe a couple of details about what made Grandpa a weird duck?
"the story" feels a little vague - especially for something that is still going after 20 years.
I like the description of the older woman, and her head turning to see who's sitting in the back of the chapel.
Absolutely love your last sentence!
haha!
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you could work in the bright green casket a wee bit sooner. Immediately, my brains whispers (cut this: What the hell?
The question hasn’t stopped rattling through my brain ever since)
Bucket lists feel like a tired plot device, so maybe rethink the title and if this IS a bucket list story, maybe consider tweaking it into something a little more fresh.
Otherwise, this is a great opening! Thank you for sharing!