TITLE: Bree Incarnate
GENRE: MG Mystery
Bree Patterson did not believe in ghosts. Nor did she believe in alien beings, curses, magic, or mind reading. Bree Patterson believed in none of these things because Bree Patterson believed in science. And because she believed in science, Bree Patterson had a very big problem, and her problem was this: if ghosts and aliens and magic truly did not exist, then there was no explanation for the mysterious event that had occurred that afternoon in Science Club. No explanation at all.
The only thing that made even the teeniest bit of sense was that she had imagined the whole thing. Or quite possibly, she was losing her mind.
Bree pondered all the possibilities as she pedaled her bike up Wixom Hill. Standing tall on the pedals, she pumped rhythmically. Up. Down. Up. Down. Think. Hard. What. Happened?
She told herself there was a rational and logical explanation for what took place during her lab experiment. There had to be. But the more Bree searched the extensive encyclopedia of knowledge in her mind, the more confused she became.
It didn’t help that the incident kept replaying in her mind in all it’s colorful glory: there was the experiment, the Bunsen burner, the flame, and the thing she had seen within the flame: The vision.
At least she thought it was a vision. What did you call a face that suddenly appeared inside a flame and started screaming? Bree didn’t know. She didn’t want to know. She just wanted to forget the whole thing even happened.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Intriguing! I definitely want to read more. One suggestion: in the first paragraph, I'd drop the words "Bree Patterson believed in none of these things because..." They're not needed, and actually implied by the remainder of the sentence. Try it out, it tightens things up nicely. Good job!
ReplyDeleteHave you considered starting with the scene where your main character receives her vision? I think that would be stronger than beginning with the character reflecting on past events. I wasn't grabbed by her reaction to the vision as I didn't yet know what she was reacting to. Setting her up as a person of science and then giving her an event she can't explain might lead to more internal tension for the MC.
ReplyDeleteI agree with T. James. Bree sounds like an awesome character, but I would like to see the vision happening, not an afterthought. Especially since I'm guessing the vision is the inciting incident. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI love this as is! We get introduced to our MC, then find out our MC has a problem that is challenging everything she believes in, then we naturally slide home to the problem, aka the vision. I want more!
ReplyDeleteI like the voice in this! A few suggestions:
ReplyDeleteThe repetition of her name in the opening paragraph doesn’t work well. It took me out of the scene. And I agree that the story should open with her seeing the vision. It would create the emotional appeal.
I like your first paragraph. The mc is clearly very bright and has a lot of confidence in herself. You're able to draw humor through her personality.
ReplyDeleteThe vision feels like it's introduced passively - it might be stronger to have it appear as suddenly to the reader as it did to Bree. Then add that Bree didn't know what to call it and furthermore, didn't want to know.
Intriguing beginning, interesting mc and great voice!
I love this opening! Smart girls, science, spooky mystery. Minor suggestions: try to work in her age- maybe say 'seventh-grade science club' or something to clue the reader. And if no one else saw what she saw, maybe work that into a sentence... Great work--I'd love to read more.
ReplyDeleteIt might be just me, but your first paragraph reads a little clunky. Some of the words don't seem to be needed, and you seem to be trying to explain too much. This doesn't feel like a real kid talking. Even a smart girl like Bree probably wouldn't sound like a radio announcer.
ReplyDelete"Bree Patterson did not believe in ghosts. Nor did she believe in alien beings, curses, magic, or mind reading. Bree Patterson believed in none of these things because Bree Patterson believed in science. And because she believed in science, Bree Patterson had a very big problem, and her problem was this: if ghosts and aliens and magic truly did not exist, then there was no explanation for the mysterious event that had occurred that afternoon in Science Club. No explanation at all."
Pare out some of the extra words, and turn it to this:
"Bree Patterson didn't believe in ghosts. She didn't believe in aliens, curses, magic, or mind reading. Bree believed in science. And because she believed in science, Bree had a problem: if ghosts and aliens and magic truly did not exist, then there was no explanation for what had happened that afternoon in Science Club. No explanation at all.
Less clunky--and more importantly, this sounds more like what a kid's train of thought would be like. But then again, it could be just me.
Love it all!!.... until the very last line: "She just wanted to forget the whole thing even happened." This is totally contradictory of everything we just read. It's more compelling if Bree wants to discover why she saw the face in the flame. Keep the main character's motives/goals consistent so we can root for her.
ReplyDeleteOne other teeny suggestion. Rhetorical questions are my pet peeve. but this one, with a small tweak would work for me: What else would you call a face that suddenly appeared inside a flame and started screaming? (add "else")
Thank you for sharing!